Church Bullies

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Perhaps you already know through experience that your congregation includes a bully –  a person, even Christ-follower, who insists that he or she approve, even initiate nearly every change in the church. When the church moves in a direction against this person’s will, he or she turns into a bully.

A church bully is just as likely to be a man as a woman, to be young as old, to be a pastor or a lay person. The common thread to every person who bullies is the conviction that nothing take place in the church without his or her approval. Why? Because, as Eddie Hammett notes, “its all about them, their values, their preferences, and their comfort.” (See “Bullying in the Church” at www.thecolumbiapartnership.org)

Church Bullies practice both active and passive bullying. As active bullies, they gossip, slander, and sow discord (II Corinthians 12:20). They repeatedly make threats and verbally attack individuals - usually the pastor. As passive bullies, they reduce their involvement in the church. Their favorite passive aggressive behavior action is to stop giving money to the ministry of the local church. When bullying the worship ministry, they may intentionally arrive late for the service so they don't have to put up with the music. When bullying the pastor, they may choose to attend services but read the church newsletter or a book (such as the Bible) during the pastor’s sermon.

According to Hammett, church bullies are “growing across the country as churches struggle with decline in numbers—attendance, membership, participation, impact, finances and loyalty issues. So often church bullies surface and target the pastor and staff, blaming and often falsely accusing their leaders for the decline in their church’s metrics or status.”

How should a congregation respond to bullies?

First, acknowledge their presence. Very few congregations are without bullies and, furthermore, there is probably a bully inside every person just waiting for the right time and place to show itself.

Second, discern the Spirit. When receiving push back by an individual for a decision ask, “Is this behavior motivated by the Holy Spirit or by something else?” Or, “Is this person contributing to our decision-making process (perhaps even prophetic) or trying to bully us?”

Third, hold bullies accountable for their actions and attitudes. In other words, practice church discipline – real hands-on discipleship. This will most likely involve partnering with Christian therapists who may help individuals understand the motives behind their behaviors.

Fourth, resist the temptation to demonize bullies. My hunch is that some bullies may not be regenerated by the Holy Spirit, but that is not for me to judge. I would like to hope that most church bullies are devoted Christ-followers who, like all Christ-followers, have a blind spot or two in their walk with the Lord. The bully's particular blind spot influences how they respond to change in the church. Hence, the need for #3 above.

Fifth, don’t be a bully.  I offer that word particularly for pastors. Hammett writes, “I acknowledge too there are clergy bullies out there who are driven by personal preferences, comfort zones, and often seek to force the church into molds or styles they are professionally more comfortable with rather than contextualizing ministry and facing their own learning curves and challenges.” I concur for I have been a church bully. For that I ask forgiveness from the Lord and His bride.  

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Community Builder

One of the workshops at a Safe Church conference was entitled: Bullying, it's not just for children. That's so true, as this helpful article points out. Thanks. Church leaders, who by their position are granted tremendous power (more than most realize), must constantly resist the urge to misuse that power for their own ends. We must prayerfully uphold our church leaders in this regard. And all of us need the constant reminder to follow in the way of our Lord, who in humble submission did not demand his own way, but rather gave himself in love. May the Lord's Spirit guide us, revealing what is needed, aiding us to honor him, as we honor others.

Participant

Thanks for sharing this, Sam! I really appreciate the practical steps for how to respond to a bully.