Resource, Curriculum

“Having legal possession over a child doesn’t mean they’re your property. It means they’re your responsibility." 

October 5, 2015 2 0 comments

The word “forgiveness” sent my mind in a thousand directions. Those who have survived abuse are all in different stages of healing. Will my prayer help survivors forgive or set them back?

September 28, 2015 3 8 comments

What stuck in my head were the words, “No one in the family knew...”. I immediately said aloud to the other people in the room who were watching this with me: “That’s a lie, someone did know.”

September 19, 2015 2 2 comments

I once spent 18 months working at an emergency children’s shelter. These children came with many stories and traumas. Yet I saw firsthand the transformative power of love and care... 

September 8, 2015 1 5 comments

I can still remember the hurt and anger in her words as she explained why the abuse she endured from her father as a child has made returning to the church impossible for her.

August 29, 2015 4 2 comments

SafeChurch raises up the dry bones and calls churches to turn from lifeless policies that require “compliance” to a fully awake process where people of faith become leaders in their churches AND communities. 

August 26, 2015 2 0 comments

I understand our penchant to protect and cover favorable people. Even in our churches this happens with well-loved leaders and personable congregants. Does this outweigh protecting the flock?

August 17, 2015 1 6 comments
Resource, Conference or Event

This safety and security seminar is for church safety and security volunteers and professionals, pastors, youth workers, and all church members interested. Police, Fire Fighters, School Administrators, and teachers are also encouraged to attend.

August 13, 2015 0 0 comments

The publicness of the Duggars' lives has created space for a wider conversation about abuse. What will it take to move the church to speak more openly and courageously about abuse?

August 8, 2015 3 0 comments

How has this culture of rape, disrespect, and devaluing others entered into our lives and into our congregations?

August 3, 2015 1 0 comments

I was telling a church member that I would not be able to attend the retreat because I didn't have the $40.00. I then told one of the leaders I couldn't go this year. Without hesitation, she said...

July 26, 2015 3 1 comments

Yet, there was a question burning in my heart, as my eyes searched Bella’s face hoping to glean more insight. It was a question I wanted to ask but never could: “How did you know to fight back?”

July 21, 2015 4 3 comments

"The God I serve is a God of presence, not a God of protection."

June 27, 2015 2 8 comments

Even in the walking alongside, there is a decision to enter into places of pain, knowing that you will hurt along with them, knowing that there may not be answers to the deep questions that arise.

June 19, 2015 1 0 comments
Resource, Website

We always seem to say that King David committed adultery with Bathsheba. However, I would say that what King David did was sexual assault.

May 30, 2015 3 4 comments

I am not advocating for us to raise unruly, disrespectful children. Yet, there must be a bridge in which we can disciple our children to be Christ-like AND have a voice.

May 17, 2015 5 2 comments

In April, Safe Church leaders from the U.S. and Canada came together for strategic planning. One priority rose to the top. “We need to be able to talk about abuse!”

May 11, 2015 1 0 comments

Are our churches willing to put aside our own opinions and views about the people who report sexual harassment in order to help them and to follow proper reporting procedures?

May 2, 2015 2 0 comments
Discussion Topic

We often talk about bullying in schools and strategies to encourage decreased aggression for our children. But what about bullying in our everyday lives as adults in the church?

April 30, 2015 2 0 comments

He felt covered with such shame and guilt that he only wanted to hide from the presence of God. Instead, Philip said that he heard the voice of God saying, “Now, come worship Me”.

April 25, 2015 2 4 comments

There are ways to illustrate the horror and the impact of rape in the storyline, without explicitly showing the rape. What are your thoughts on this?

April 10, 2015 0 0 comments
Resource, Webinar Recording

This webinar explores how healthy boundaries enhance ministry, how power dynamics influence ministry relationships, and how to avoid some of the common pitfalls.

April 8, 2015 0 4 comments
Resource, Lesson or Study

Strangers are only a fraction of the offenders out there; most are people you see every day. Check out the The Circle of Grace curriculum for an all-inclusive approach to recognizing the signs of abuse.

March 29, 2015 0 0 comments

Statistics have shown that people, even once they are out of abusive situations, often return to the abusive relationship. How are congregations equipped for the task of building up and walking alongside others?

March 21, 2015 2 1 comments

One in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before the age of 18. We cannot bury our heads in the sand and ignore this issue.

March 2, 2015 1 0 comments



Thank you for your comments Bev. My ongoing, fervent prayer is that the CRC will do the right thing in responding to abuse, especially abuse that involves church leaders. In addition to our work to prevent abuse and create safe environments, we must also respond appropriately when abuse occurs - that's part of what it means to be a safe church. Our vision states, "...and where abuse has occurred, the response is compassion and justice that foster healing." We are called to be light and salt in a world that needs Jesus. Emotional and spiritual abuse must be addressed and challenged if our congregations hope to reflect rightly our Lord and Savior.

We need to get a better understanding of all forms of abuse... not just when there is a tangible, physical/sexual abuse/adultery that can be "proven".  Spiritual/emotional abuse is a much more subtle, but also very damaging type of abuse, and is often abuse of power.  these all can trigger PTSD symptoms.

I have mentioned in a christian group, something about spiritual abuse, and one of the responses was "well what is spiritual abuse?"  or "is that really abuse"?   I think all of my research has been from sources outside the CRC (but am aware of a number of situations in it)... it seems we don't like to discuss spiritual abuse much, if at all...  and it seems we are on the high risk end...  quote from article BOQ Today, many American churches and denominations are susceptible to it (spiritual abuse), particularly “reformed” Calvinistic churches or those with a highly disciplined authority structure. EOQ

it seems abuse has far too often been minimized and dismissed in the Church... exposing this is a threat to leaders.   I'm thankful these patterns of control, intimidation, manipulation and other "subtle" forms of silencing a person are coming into the light.

Recently, the practice of a technique that was called a "softer discipline" came to my attention in the CRC... this is a misnomer, because it is a manipulative passive aggressive practice of leadership to shut certain people from being in leadership positions, instead of talking to the person directly if there is an issue, and it is so stinking subtle, so very difficult to prove...  it includes not being recommended for positions or committees.  Not getting this job or nomination.  Being overlooked and ignored.  its subtle and quiet.  How often is this practiced on someone who is a threat to the leader, because the person would not be loyal to protect the leader from being exposed for the leader's manipulative/abusive practices, and would instead call the leader out on that sort of behavior.  So, the leader surrounds themself with "yes" people who are loyal to the leader and will not challenge the leader on the manipulative behavior, because the "yes" people possibly benefited from the manipulation at some point, in some way.  ie. favoritism, flattery, cronyism/good old boys club, etc. 

I hope and pray safe church and synod addresses the different ways there is abuse of power.  Keeping the process secret (lack of transparency) is one of them.  The executive session has been far over-used to protect those who abused at the expense of those harmed, because God's way is to bring things into the light, and it is generally those who fear their abusive behavior being exposed that resist that light!  Non-disclosure agreements are another one that I think have been far over used in the CRC to silence people.  forcing/intimidating/manipulating the person who was hurt to forgive and move on, when there has been far less than honest repentance, very little justice, and/or for leadership to avoid dealing with the abusive person, yet calling the person who was hurt unforgiving and telling them their soul is in danger if they don't forgive and let it go, is spiritually abusive.  finding a technicality to dismiss the appeal instead of addressing it, is abuse of power.  Using (intentionally) misleading language at council, classis and synod levels to manipulate the outcome of a decision is abuse of power.

Come on Church, come on CRC!  It's time to do the right thing!  expose and address the many ways abuse is happening in the Church, validate the hurt of those harmed, so they can heal, and discipline those who caused the harm with their abusive/controlling behavior, this is what we, the Church are called to do...  and no longer allow further harm to be brought to the one abused, and no longer protect the one who abused from consequences, because far too often, what the Church has allowed when it comes to abuse is the exact opposite of what His Church is called to do...

this is justice...

this is the right thing to do!

I believe the Hosts of Heaven rejoice and celebrate, when His Church does the right thing!

Thanks for that important correction, Karen! I mistakenly assumed Safe Church posted the articles the same year they were published! I have corrected that data, and a corrected version should post soon.

Monica, thanks for keeping this topic in view. One correction: the articles were written in 2001 -- 15 years ago already, though I'm glad to see Synod is now taking some important steps. 

Hi Kelly - my email is Looking forward to seeing what resources you have!

I often recommend The Hope of Survivors - - It's a wonderful resource for those who have been sexually abused by clergy or ministry leaders; also a good resource for anyone wanting to know more about this issue.

posted in: Counting Voices

totally agree Bonnie... and in the secular world I feel this happens more often than not, that the one harmed is given the choice... in the Church, not so much... and I think because the response of the Church is often so hurtful (the one harmed gets blamed, discredited, shunned, the abuse is minimized, dismissed, get over it, move on, let it go, forgive, what's the big deal, nobody's perfect, etc. the abuse is invalidated in so many ways), even if someone is given a choice, that is a significant reason someone would choose to keep it silent if they are given the choice... they are already so vulnerable and unfortunately going public would open them up to more hurt and pain, etc. from the Church instead of the justice and healing that the Church is called to on their behalf...   but usually if it's kept silent in the church the purpose is more in the interest of protecting the reputation of the person who did the abuse (especially if it's a well-liked leader).

and then I came across this statement a few days ago, that made me think about this discussion on confidentiality... from Unholy Charade (p 114, 2015, Justice Keepers Publishing, Jeff Crippen, Rebecca Davis)

God does not want us to keep evil in the Church a secret. EOQ

and that lines up with John 3, where it's the enemy who wants to keep evil things in the dark.  So the point is, that confidentiality isn't a cover for the enemy.

I'm wondering if we need an advocacy ministry that is somehow separate from any particular denomination or congregation.  When the church pays a person's salary...  there is too much potential for the employer to exert control/influence over that person and can make it really, really hard for the person to do the right thing, when there job/pay is threatened...  however, even if a ministry is independent, church leaders can subtly sabotage that ministry if they feel threatened.    the impartiality/avoiding conflict of interest seems to be very difficult in Church leadership in abuse situations... it's one of my concerns...  maybe i'm wrong, but I'm really wrestling with that aspect.






posted in: Counting Voices

In situations of abuse between adults, the purpose of confidentiality must be to guard the one who has been victimized. He or she has experienced the traumatic powerlessness of abuse, and now must be empowered again. One way to do that is give choices to the one who has suffered abuse. He or she must be the one to make the choice about whether or not the abuse becomes public - no one else has the right to make that choice for him or her. I know people who have been victimized, but are not at all willing to make their experience public. It's their choice, and that choice must be honored. However, there may come a time in the process of healing,  when someone may choose to make their experience of abuse public, to increase awareness, to protect others who may be in harm's way, or for many other reasons. It's sad to me that our churches are not always safe places to disclose abuse. These stories of abuse must be met with understanding and compassion. 

We must be careful in using an argument of confidentiality to protect the one who chooses to abuse: What is the potential for future harm, are we putting others at increased risk? Are we complicit in minimizing the issue? (Minimizing prevents the person who has perpetrated abuse from fully acknowledging the sin, which is the first step toward repentance and change.) What is the message being sent about the value of the one who has abused compared to the one who has been victimized - whose reputation is more important in God's sight? (Note: Jesus is almost always seen in the Gospels standing on the side of the powerless rather than the powerful; we are called to follow his way.) How will this action help or hinder genuine fellowship and unity in the community?  It's truth that sets us free. Abuse must be acknowledged before any healing is possible. 


posted in: Counting Voices

I know this is months after the original post...  I struggle with how the Church has expanded and elevated confidentiality to conform to the patterns of the world instead of to scripture...  ie.. attorney client privilege, pastor-penitent privilege, the confidentiality of the "confessional", robert's rules of executive and strict executive session, non-disclosure agreements...  as one pastor shared with me... confidentiality is killing us...  there is something very unhealthy with the way we, the Church, practice confidentiality...  God's way is to bring things into the light so that it may be clearly seen that is was His way... the enemy's ways is to keep things hidden in darkness out of fear...

I Timothy 5 says to publicly rebuke a leader who is sinning, in the presence of ALL, without partiality, that the rest may fear and as a warning.  and of course the 3 steps of Matthew 18... with the 2nd and 3rd expanding it beyond 2 people.  Of course we do this with wisdom and discernment (see Bonnie's comment), but somehow we have sacrificed justice on behalf of those harmed on the altar of confidentiality. A significant reason is protecting reputations, especially if we like the person who did the wrong and so are not impartial and want to defend our friend, our colleague... so we protect the reputation of the one who did the harm, instead of protecting the dignity of those harmed (although leaders will say that they are protecting the reputation of the one bringing the charges, but they are empty words because in reality it is damage control and cover-up because this secrecy actually does more harm, and instead of validating, this response ends up being as harmful if not more so than the original situation and traumatizes further instead of being part of the healing process - there is a reason that many who have been harmed by the Church struggle with post traumatic stress).

I'm pretty sure that is not what God intended in Proverbs about keeping people's secrets.



posted in: Counting Voices

Thanks so much Kelly for your response. This issue must not be swept under the rug, but must be faced. I'm currently on a committee that is addressing CRCNA Church Order Articles 83-84 regarding sexual misconduct by church leaders. The power inherent in the church leader position and the use/misuse of that power is a key dynamic that will be addressed. And children are not the only ones who suffer from misuse of that power. A study by Pamela Cooper-White from Columbia Theological Seminary reveals that 90-95% of victims of clergy sexual misconduct are female congregants. She goes on to say that once having disclosed their situation, survivors depend on the response of the institution or faith group for their healing. Often our response has instead created additional harm for many who have survived abuse at the hands of a church leader. We simply must do better. A book that I often recommend is:

When Pastor's Prey  edited by Valli Boobal Batchelor and also

It has several authors, reviews various studies as well as includes stories from survivors. One of the primary prevention strategies noted in the book is to educate about clergy sexual misconduct as abuse of power, not a consensual affair between persons of equal power; and also to provide biblical education about the role of power and its use and abuse. Baylor School of Social Work has done many studies and also has resources regarding the use of power by church leaders; these can be found here. (

Thanks again for all the great comments on Monica's good article.

Excellent point, Jill - I was disappointed in that some reviews of the movie seemed to see it as primarily about a historical period in the Catholic Church; I tried to emphasize that abuse of power within the church is an epidemic problem across denominations, but I think we need to continue to do work to expose the reality to people's minds on a regular basis.


Having dealt with cases and survivors from several denominations in a pastoral care and recovery role, I have discovered a wealth of research and supporting documents. Much of the research has been done in the United States among protestant denominations there, through several universities conducting research on the phenomenon of abuse of power and clergy sexual abuse. Baylor University's department of sociology did much of the research in the past two decades. In addition, several denominations undertook separate research on their own due to their own internal needs. I will be happy to forward links to the data and resources.

A follow-up article on office-bearer/clergy abuse in the Protestant Church will be a welcome read and help to many who continue to suffer in silence in the pews. Once victims feel "safe" enough, some may come forward with their stories to the right people. Publishing a helpful article with victims redemption and justice in mind is a step in this process for victims to feel "safe" enough to come forward. Please forward your e-mail or contact information and I will forward the resources.



Thanks, Bev. I agree completely. It is appalling and sad. I am hopeful that little by little eyes will be opened. Thanks for your work and support. I appreciate you referring to Boz's article: that is a great article that came to my mind as well.



Thanks for your concern, passion, and support, Kelly. I'd be interested in any resources you could point me to on clergy abuse. I would like to follow up with an article assessing clergy abuse in the Protestant  world and possibly the CRC (though we may have less data on the CRC.)



Amen and Amen!  bless your heart Bonnie...  keep it up!

bless your hearts... an answer to my prayer that what is hidden in darkness be exposed!  and that includes spiritual abuse/abuse of power in the CRC!

When I heard about this movie, I went to see it right away... it is a very sobering film, especially for those who might not realize the extent of abuse in the Church and leaderships' patterns of cover up and that it is far more extensive than we recognize (we tend to minimize and dismiss, and think it's not that bad)...  for me, it was an answer to prayer on behalf of all those who have been harmed by the Church, Catholic or Protestant.  It validated what happened to them, but also exposed the abuse of power by leaders in the Church to protect themselves and the reputation of the Church at the expense of those harmed.   The exact opposite of what God calls His Church to do!

the article and several of the replies refer to the fact that this is not just a Catholic problem... here's a powerful article from Boz Tchividjian stating that very thing:

Over the last number of years, I have come to a beyond grievous conclusion that breaks my heart, and I believe is extremely painful to God's heart, and no denomination or congregation is exempt (this is also true in gov't and with any institution) but I am addressing the Church here: when leadership is threatened, such as sexual immorality being exposed, the response has far too often been abuse of power and that is often far more harmful than the original incident (and I would say always more harmful in the spiritual sense/realm), because it is betrayal and spiritual abuse by those in leadership, who are called to do what is right in the eyes of God.  Instead of doing what is right and bringing this into the light (John 3:21), and validating the one who was violated, instead, the response by leaders is far too often, "damage control" aka sweep it under the rug, aka John 3:19-20 keeping it in the dark out of fear, which is the enemy's ways... this response breeds manipulation, intimidation (silencing), deception and further shame for those harmed, those violated, those abused.  So now, it is not only physical or emotional harm, but now (at least in the Church) they have been spiritually abused as well (there are entire books on this).  and I quote... Spiritual abuse is always a power issue! EOQ 

Spiritual abuse = abuse of power!

Again, the exact opposite of what the Church is called to... 

and unfortunately, that's still not all of it... when this type of thing does get exposed... here's the reaction from those in the Church  which again further harms those violated...

I know, this is not stuff that we want to hear, again, it is very sobering, but the Church needs to hear it, because we are all guilty... pray about this, process it, ask God to show you His heart regarding this...  He is bringing abusive behavior into the light!

“Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.”  Bonhoeffer

We need to boldly address this... we cannot stick our heads in the sands, and only listen to fables and fairytales, myths that make us feel good (2 Timothy 4:3-5)...  this is the truth coming into the light (SpotLIGHT), and it's time for the Church, to open our eyes and ears to the abuse we have allowed to continue by not addressing this in the light... and repent... and the longer it takes for us to acknowledge, confess and repent, the more harm that will happen and abuse be allowed to continue...  I realize this is not a message that we want to hear or believe, but right now, we are guilty of the same things the Pharisees are... making the cup look pretty on the outside, when there is filth and rottenness on the inside... and no denomination, including the CRC is exempt.

I understand the Church is not perfect and this isn't 100% the case true in every situation, but we can't use these as an excuse to not address this type of behavior in the Church...

the world is doing a better job at holding leaders accountable than the Church does.  Part of leadership responsibility is to bring justice to those harmed, we have significantly failed in this area.  I wish I could say this is the exception rather than the rule, but when it comes to institutional leadership feeling threatened, it seems "damage control" and/or "non-disclosure" type agreements have become the rule...  water gate, Catholic Church, Sovereign Grace, Mars Hill/Mark Driscoll, Bill Gothard, Pat Tillman's death cover up (US Army), human trafficking (US gov't contractors in Bosnia), etc. and countless more that have never seen the light...  I recently had a friend who did the right thing, and reported abusive behavior of an elderly client by another employee at her job... she lost her job, for reporting it... bless her heart for doing the right thing!  I have a friend who has experienced these patterns and been intimidated, manipulated, deceived, discredited, spiritually abused, etc. by Church leadership and continues to be shut down in addressing this pattern of behavior, and when I shared the "unholy alliance" article with my friend, the reply was, "I find myself getting mad when I read this..... Because it's EXACTLY what they did!!" ...   abuse breeds so much evil!  and that is the EXACT opposite of what we, His Kingdom Church, are called to do.

we're not giving up on exposing this evil in the Church!  yes, it is hard, and leaders feel threatened...  but it is time to bring abuse, especially spiritual abuse/abuse of power into the light...  and this needs your help, your voice, your response.  We cannot stay silent. 

Our response starts with prayer and repentance, seeking God's heart and His ways for healing and choosing to walk in obedience to His ways...  If My people, who are called by My Name, will humble themselves, pray, seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then, will I hear from heaven, forgive their sins, and heal their land.  and He will call us, His Church into action as part of that healing.  and He will call us into action as part of that healing..  This is my prayer for His Church... 







Thank you for your encouraging words.

Thanks, Bonnie, for your post Christmas advent reflection.  You suggest being hopeful as we wait for Christ to come in all his fullness.  We wait for the “not yet” even as we have experienced the “already.”  I hand it to you, Bonnie, that you have a very positive attitude toward one of the great difficulties and frustrations of the Christian faith, the expectant waiting for Christ’s return.

For the skeptic, he/she would call your expectant waiting unreasonable, beyond the scope of rational thinking. When do you finally give up and start realizing maybe this expectation is mere wishful thinking?  

The apostle Paul thought the return of Christ would occur during his lifetime.  The apostle John, while in exile on the island of Patmos, was awaiting the apocalypse to happen at any time and that he would see it.  The Christian crusaders thought they were carrying out the final battle of Armageddon against the forces of evil in the 12th and 13th centuries.  During the time of the Reformation, many Christians thought the Roman Catholic pope was the anti-Christ and that the end of time was about to take place.  There were those in the 1960's who thought John Kennedy was the anti-Christ and that we were in the end times.  Christian radio host Harold Camping of Family Radio predicted the return of Christ for2011, but it didn’t happen either.  That is just the tip of the iceberg of those who thought the return of Christ should have already happened.  They too, like you, were waiting for the “not yet” of Christ’s kingdom, but were found to be disillusioned.  Other Christians have given up altogether on Christ’s actual return and have spiritualized the thoughts and teachings of a future kingdom. The skeptic stands by on the side line and suggests that such unfulfilled wishful thinking makes Christianity suspect.  

But you, Bonnie, are staying the course, expectantly hanging on to your hope for Christ’s return.  So I laud you and hope you are right in your expectation. Hang in there.

      Having recently viewed Spotlight with my pastor, I was struck once again by the horrors of abuse of power, clergy sexual and spiritual abuse and its close cousin, emotional abuse. This phenomenon is hardly a Catholic one. Researchers at Baylor have reams of statistics outlining the extent of clergy sexual abuse in protestant denominations.

      As a commissioned pastor and chaplain, I have deep concern for survivors of abuse of power. The complexities of the fall-out for the victims of clergy spiritual and sexual abuse are almost impossible to heal without committed, whole-congregational support preceded by congregational education on yes, the reality of clergy abuse of power, spiritual and sexual abuse in our own CRC. Before Synod 2016 is an overture addressing this reality and the need to re-vamp church polity to effectively discipline office-bearers who cross boundaries of professional conduct. There should be zero tolerance for office bearers engaging in "affairs" (long out-dated language of the past) with adult parishioners or who abuse minors within a congregation. There is no such thing as an "affair" between a pastor and a parishioner due to the imbalance of power. It is always abuse and needs to be clearly labeled as such. With an eye to protecting, healing and preserving the lives of victims, CRC Safe Church has a major "policing" role that warrants much greater respect, recognition and authority than it currently receives. The consequences for both victims and communities following an incident of office-bearer abuse of power leave a wake of destruction including permanent loss of faith in God and the church community, deposed or suspended office bearers, loss of trust, broken and split congregations to name just a few.

     Sweeping office-bearer sexual abuse under the rug should not be tolerated any more calling it for what it is...otherwise on your Marquees write: "Church"- Enter at your own risk!

Thanks for posting this
Wouldn't I like to see every person in our churches see this movie or at least read your article.
As long as they do realize abuse is in every church not just this one in the movie.

The movie helps point out the systemic nature of the problem. It's our culture that allows abuse to continue - we must not let it continue in our congregations. As a college campaign against sexual assault states, "It's on us", all of us. We must work together to change culture. The stakes are too high to be complacent.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to see our church culture reflect our belief that every person is valued as a unique image-bearer of God. Wouldn't it be wonderful if every Church leader followed in the way of Jesus, never using power for selfish gain, to control, manipulate, or harm; but instead used power as Jesus did to humbly love and build up the other (see Philippians 2). In that culture, abuse would be unthinkable.

Thanks, Faye - I'd love to see each congregation gathering together around this issue; we really need some momentum and unity around this issue. Thanks for your faithful work.

Thank you Monica for a well written article on the movie Spotlight.  In BC, the Safe Church Teams work with the directive "It takes a Whole church to be a Safe Church".  In the Safe Church work of the 2 classes in BC we are recommending ALL church leaders to watch this movie.  You have pointed out well the reasons this is so important.  It truly is the best movie/documentary style/drama available as an educational challenge to churches of all faiths. Its about ALL of us. Protestants & Catholics alike. 

Faye Martin (Safe Church Team Ministry: Classis BCSE & BCNW)


Thanks! Yes, I see it is working now. Thanks again. 

Preach it, Bonnie!  This is Gospel.

Thanks for letting us know of the problem. I'm not sure why this particular video just stopped working. The file has been replaced and it's working now.  

Sorry about this - I will check with the folks at the Network to see what the problem is. Thank you!

I can't get this one to play. 

I LOVE that, Bonnie. What a great illustration of the incarnation!

A book that I've recently read (Two Steps Forward by Sharon Garlough Brown) described a scene in a church. As people walked into the sanctuary on the first Sunday of Advent they saw the front of the sanctuary littered with garbage, car bumpers, garbage cans overturned, cardboard as if set up as a shelter, etc... and in the middle of it all was a manger, with a spotlight coming out from it that lit up the cross behind. Jesus came down into our mess - and it's GOOD NEWS for us and for the world. Thanks for this blog that reminds us to enter into the mess of our humanity with a hope that is sure.

"the experience of Christmas is a bittersweet longing for hope"

This is a really beautiful meditation, Monica, with so much truth. I look forward to part two. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks S - I very much appreciated the sermon audio you provided! Wow - very challenging, very honest. We need more examples like these. I remember the first time I heard a sermon candid about these issues (online - I've yet to hear such candor in a church building) - it both left me shaken and deeply encouraged/relieved. (One slight 'disclaimer' I might make if I shared this sermon more broadly is that I think I see the concept of abuse a bit more broadly than this pastor does - there are varying degrees. I think of severe abuse as exactly as he describes (and that needs to be taken as seriously as he does for what it is), but there are less extreme forms of abuse, also very serious in their impact, which can sometimes be treated and of those kind of abusers I would not necessarily find describing them as monsters/children of the devil helpful. Either way, the naivete about the darkness of abuse and the impact destructive behavior has needs to stop.

Thank you for your interest and support - I'm very glad you found it helpful.

Great article, Monica.  I've searched all over for help with this naivete, from a Reformed perspective, and it's so very difficult to find.  But finally I found a sermon from a Reformed Church pastor, Sam Powell.  An amazing, excellent message, which pulls no punches, and yet is full of grace.  The sermon is in audio and can be found here.  . It speaks directly to your thesis.   ---S

Thank you for the helpful blog.  


Robin will be missed. She contributed much to this discussion forum.

I look forward to getting to know Monica. Welcome!

Farewell, Robin! I really appreciated your writing and I will miss you! Thank you for sharing your gift with us.....

For sure I too an careful about who I 'let in' to my deep pain.
I do consider it an honor and a gift when others share their pain with me. Not that it is easy but it is important to do.

posted in: Forgiveness

I agree with you both.

Some people never repent or change and are unsafe.
With serious offense, true reconciliation can only happen when the offender is repentant,  asks forgiveness,  walks with accountability, proves themselves, takes responsibility, makes restitution......
However, I have been able to have a good  kind of a relationship with some people who seriously hurt me,  where I chose to walk in grace and forgiveness and they did not know how hard that was for me. I was able to choose to love them and help care for them. God brought this about in me where i did not think that was possible.

posted in: Forgiveness

Nor does it necessarily mean reconciliation. I've had someone recently tell me that reconciliation is the ALWAYS the goal to forgiveness. It may be Christ's example, but I do not believe that God would want us around toxic, un-safe people.

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Thanks, I agree it's often difficult for others to listen to, and sit with someone's pain. I've always been selective about the people who are allowed to see the deeper pain (scars)that I live with.I'm glad the post resinated with you..

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Thanks for your thoughtful response. We must be clear that forgiveness is NOT an alternative to justice. Those who hurt others must be held accountable, harm must be acknowledged, there are consequences, an opportunity for restitution must be given. Forgiveness does not negate the need for any of these things.

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I appreciate how thoughtful you were about this prayer and if you would talk about forgiveness or not.
I too have been hurt by forgiveness being pushed on me.
People think that forgiving a person means that what that person did does not matter, or you cannot hold them to account.
One thought I had was that if I forgive then it negates what was done to me, as if it wasn't that bad or it did not really hurt me.
Talking about forgiveness needs to include what forgiveness does and does not mean.
Having said that, I have come through a long journey to understand that forgiveness is a Gift.
I am thankful and appreciate it that I have been forgiven by God (and others) and i am thankful and appreciate that I have been freed to heal more when He enables me to forgive those who hurt me.

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We must guard against the tendency toward quick forgiveness that doesn't fully acknowledge the harm done. The journey toward healing is not a straight and easy path; rather it is most often painful, complicated, and difficult. Forgiveness is an important part of that journey, but one does not arrive there early in the process. There are no short cuts. Pushing forgiveness too soon can impede the process and delay healing. 

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Thank you for your post Elizabeth. I found the same thing true for me. Forgiveness came in God's time and in his way. Often a little at a time. I wonder if sometimes survivors are "pushed" to forgive because it more comfortable for the other person than really sitting with the survivor in their pain and anger.

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You are right, Reverend Shannon!  We do need to create safe spaces for our children to share and to feel safe.  We need to be continued advocates for both the boys and the girls.

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Thank you for sharing this piece, Robin! There is too much silence in our families and congregations about abuse, particularly sexual abuse. I think when most of us picture victims of childhood sexual abuse, we usually think of girls, but as the story you share illustrates, boys are victims too. Too many suffer in silence and shame. I pray that, as family members and church family, we will cultivate communities where children will share when they are being hurt.  

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Yes, Monica, please feel free to share this as a devotional.  So glad this blessed you!  Thank you!

Beautiful! Thank you for this wonderful message of grace and hope that applies to each of us! May I please read as a devotion as I begin our church's safe church training sessions this fall?