Together Again

Together and Different

As I reflect on being “together again” at church in the Fall, one thing that really hits home is how different all of us are. Obvious, I know, but in church it seems like we should be alike in many ways. We worship with people who profess to believe the same things. We all love God and want to do his will. No one believes exactly the same, but our church is part of a denomination with creeds we assent to, and we live and worship together under that umbrella. 

One of my pastors said: "When we go to church, we associate with people we wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole if we weren’t in the same church." His point was that this is good for us. In more recent years, though, differences have seemed bigger in our church family lives, and often the expression of our differences is unkind, unbending, hurtful, and even purposely mean. Below, I write about some experiences I have had in church, and some things I have found helpful. Maybe these will resonate with you, and maybe you have other learnings you can share.

Same feeling, different conclusion

Sometimes we experience the same situation, feel the same way about it, yet reach opposite conclusions about the decision to be made. One time, my church council had to make a very difficult decision about a member's future. My brothers and sisters in Christ all (at least to my knowledge) loved the person involved and wanted the best for them. After many meetings with the council, the congregation, one-on-one discussions, and months of prayer, the council informed the congregation of their decision. Some strongly disagreed with the decision; others agreed. What struck me was that the reason they either agreed or disagreed was the same: they loved the person involved. 

One group said, “We should do x because we love them,” and the other group said, “We should do y because we love them.” Then what? Apparently, there was no way we could persuade each other to come to the same conclusion; how would we move forward together? I found the best approach was to try to understand the other group’s view — not to try to get everyone to agree or disagree. The most important thing to understand in this situation was that the people who disagreed reached their conclusion because they loved the person. That helped us stay together. Not everyone stayed, but it was beautiful that loving the person and loving each other were enough to keep some together, even as we continued to disagree.

Understand. Curious.

Lots of disagreements don’t involve a mutual love. Opinions are based on different beliefs, feelings, and perspectives. But what a difference it makes when we both try to understand the other’s reason for their opinion. The best way to understand is to be curious about why they believe what they believe. Ask sincere questions, consider with an open mind, and listen without telling the other person why they are mistaken.

When I worked in IT, I was often summoned for help with computer problems. Sometimes I wondered, “Why in the world did they do this?” or worse, I would think I already knew why they did it. I learned it was most helpful to listen to what they told me led up to the problem. I was busy and didn’t want to take the time to listen; I wanted to just fix the problem and move on. But every time, once I heard why they had done what they did, I thought, “Oh, It makes sense that they did it, based on what they thought.” 

Another obvious statement: People do things for a reason. When I took the time to listen to the reason, I could help without judgment, offer reassurance and understanding, and – bonus – they felt better for having been listened to. 

People have reasons for what they think and say, too. It helps to approach others with curiosity and a desire to understand, rather than trying to prove I’m right, or thinking I already know their reasons.

Shared underlying reasons

We share a lot of the same reasons for doing and thinking what we do – such as wanting to do what is right, wanting to follow God’s will, wanting to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe, wanting to succeed, and so on. If I see that the other person is motivated by these shared underlying reasons, it helps. Even if I think they’re totally mistaken in the conclusions they draw, if I see that their motivation is, basically, that they are doing the best they can, I can – on my best days – maintain our relationship with love, without having a condition that they see the rightness of my opinion.

The benefit of the doubt

Sometimes you are not able to ask questions and be curious. Even when you are, it helps to try to give people the benefit of the doubt. When I read or hear something that baffles me, I try to imagine why they might come to that opinion, or suppose that they, like me, are trying to do their best. God often, then, gives me the ability to think, “I don’t get it, but they must have reasons that make sense to them.”

More

I am no expert on conflict resolution! I shared a few thoughts and experiences. There are books, programs, and experts with much more valuable help, and that includes you readers. The Network is a great place to share ways you have found to help when your church is struggling with differences.