Responding to Abuse Toolkit Step #3: Meeting Immediate Needs
March 20, 2018
Updated December 24, 2019
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Responding to Abuse Toolkit Step #3: Meeting Immediate Needs
Safe Church Ministry offers this resource, “Responding to Abuse: A Toolkit for Churches.” We often hear from congregations requesting assistance as they face allegations and situations of abuse. We expect that trend to continue as the #MeToo movement continues to impact the church. There is a hard copy version of the resource, which we’ve tried to make small, relatively short, and easily accessible. One way to do that is to include links to more in depth information, like this article
It may help to understand that abuse does not happen randomly; often a grooming process has taken place for some time that sets the stage for abuse to occur. See, Responding to Abuse Toolkit: Grooming, for more about how grooming works in an abusive relationship. In addition, situations of abuse seem to become very complicated very quickly, like a spider web, or an onion with many layers. It may seem overwhelming. Though each situation is unique, it’s helpful to know common tendencies and common needs that arise.
The first rule of abuse is to expect denial from everyone,including you! We simply don’t want to believe that these things really happen. So when they do happen, when we must face an allegation or a situation of abuse, we must recognize and then make an effort to overcome our own tendency to deny or minimize it. Of course we wish it would quickly go away, but these situations usually stay around for quite some time. They also tend to have a ripple effect, often affecting not only those directly involved but the entire church community for many years.
Fight Tendency to Misplace Blame
In addition to our tendency toward denial, we must also recognize another tendency. There is a tendency to blame those who have experienced the abuse. Why? There are many reasons. One is that it makes us feel safer. If someone did something to “deserve” the abuse that they’ve experienced, then we can continue to maintain the false assumption that it could never happen to us. In addition, there is a sense that the person has “caused” trouble by coming forward. We may feel some resentment toward them for upsetting our “safe” community or invading our known reality with something so upsetting. There may be other reasons, often myths about abuse that are part of our cultural learning, that make us feel this is somehow the fault of the one who has experienced it. This happens so often that there is a term for it, victim-blaming. It’s important to thoughtfully consider our beliefs and biases.
When a child is involved, it’s easier to see who is really at fault, of course the adult bears the responsibility for any infraction against a vulnerable child. We all know that it’s the responsibility of adults to care for children. Yet this fault line gets fuzzier when two adults, or two teens are involved. We need to go back to carefully consider the power dynamic in the relationship! It’s also helpful to identify grooming behaviors that may have been involved. Abuse doesn’t usually occur “out of the blue”, the context needs to be carefully considered.
Another reason we have a tendency to blame those who have experienced abuse is because often the person who is alleged to have perpetrated the abuse is someone we know, perhaps a beloved church leader, perhaps someone who has been instrumental in effective ministry, or a family relative. People who abuse others are not monsters, they are people just like all of us. We are quick to condemn wrongdoing when it occurs somewhere else “out there”, or among those people. When the wrongdoing is part of our own church community it is much more difficult to acknowledge and address.
The Response of the Church is Critical
The way the church responds to an allegation or a situation of abuse is critical. It can be handled in a way that leads to healing and moving forward, or, it can lead to further harm and divisiveness. Lack of response, or a wrong response, can multiply the harmful consequences, causing even more destructive harm than the original abuse. Every situation is unique and has numerous complicating factors, the best answers are not always clear. Yet we are called to be the Body of Christ in the midst of it all. Our concern is more than practical, it’s ecclesiastical as well.
The church is called to be a witness, reflecting in our relationships with one another the very love of our Lord toward his Bride, the Church. As the church follows its high calling, our faith is encouraged and the power of the Lord is revealed. The opposite is true when we neglect this calling and follow other paths of self-protection and fear.
Don’t Go Alone
A single church or congregation rarely has all the resources needed when a situation or allegation of abuse is disclosed. It’s important to reach out to others who have valuable expertise and enlist their help in dealing with the situation. Laws that pertain to a given situation vary from state and from province to province; it’s important to seek assistance locally. Legal help may be required. Child abuse must be reported to the proper authorities immediately!
There are many community organizations that offer services such as: consultation, counseling, group work, assistance with filing complaints, etc. And there are denominational resources such as Safe Church Ministry and Pastor Church Resources. As each organization adds its own expertise and perspective, a more complete picture is revealed, and a better outcome is the result. There is no reason not to take advantage of local resources that can help.
Enlist Walk-Alongside Advocates
In some cases, it will be difficult for the same person, a pastor for example, to minister to the needs of the various people involved in the same situation. It may be helpful to seek an advocate or support person to walk alongside each person who is directly involved. The advocate will have the person’s best interest at heart. It’s best if advocates are not church council members since church council members need to maintain a certain degree of professional distance. As potential decision makers, council members need to maintain a helpful perspective on the entire situation as it unfolds, which can only be done from a healthy distance. They need to be able to fully hear all the voices and not be too closely tied to only one perspective. Council members must do their best to withhold judgment until a more complete picture is revealed. This is difficult!
Recognize Unique Needs of Each Person
Everyone close to the situation will have unique needs, which is why Safe Church recommends having a small abuse response team in place, ready to handle these situations. The team should be small to maintain appropriate confidentiality, while still being able to respond to the needs as they arise (perhaps 3-4 people). The response team should include a safe church team member, someone who has been trained in the dynamics and impacts of abuse. Other possible members could be church staff, council members, or mature Christians who have a heart of compassion for this kind of ministry. It is the council’s responsibility to make sure that a response team is in place should the need arise. And it is the council’s responsibility to determine the best path forward, each step of the way. Accountability and seeking justice is a part of the process of bringing healing and restoration. Paying attention to the immediate needs in the situation must not be ignored.
Summary of Immediate Needs
Those who have survived abuse commonly need:
Those who have abused someone commonly need:
Dealing with a situation of abuse can be very draining and last a long time. Expect it to have a deep and possibly transforming impact. Be sure that you have your own support networks in place and are caring for your own soul! And remember Safe Church is here to be a resource for you, never hesitate to contact your Safe Church Coordinator or Safe Church Ministry directly.
Questions to Prayerfully Consider:
Ideas from Safe Church Ministry:
Read and discuss articles and/or “scenarios." Articles can be found in many places and also from Safe Church on The Network. Safe Church has also created this “scenarios” discussion starter for church leaders and small groups. If possible, have a safe church team member facilitate the discussion.
Partner with local organizations. Possible organizations include domestic violence shelters, sexual assault crisis centers, men’s resource centers, or children’s aid organizations.
Create opportunities for education so that abuse is acknowledged openly, and people can begin to recognize and challenge power that is misused in abusive ways.
Contact your local classis Safe Church Coordinator or Safe Church Ministry. We’re always happy to hear from you and will do our best to offer additional ideas and be available for consultation or assistance.
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