I have been reading this conversation in interest, and because of you, I now have a better understanding of how law enforcement and legal institutions handle domestic abuse situations. Thank you.
I do want to respond to your comment that you “just haven't seen, in my adult life, that people or institutions have blamed the women when they are victims of men's assault or abuse.” I will argue that you have seen it, but have not recognized it nor its pervasiveness. I personally know it and how pervasive it is; EVERY time I tell of my experiences, the first question I ALWAYS get it why doesn’t she leave? Maybe you have asked the same question yourself? Until I was personally involved, I did not know it was the wrong question to ask. Dr. Jackson Katz* points out how this is victim blaming. He and I argue that that is the wrong question; instead we have to ask a different question. The question is not about Mary, it’s about John; why does John abuse Mary?
Dr. Katz pioneered the “bystander” approach to the gender violence prevention (a topic for another blog post). I urge you to view his TED talk, “Violence Against Women-it’s a Men’s Issue.” In it, he points out that these are intrinsically men's issues - and shows how these violent behaviors are tied to definitions of manhood; he looks for all of us, women and men, to call out unacceptable behavior and be leaders of change. It has been viewed millions of times. I think his TED talk has been offered before on this blog, and it is well worth the 17 minutes it takes to view it. Dr. Katz talks about dominant groups, power and privilege, leadership, and victim blaming, but he also challenges us to ask the right questions like “what is the role of religious belief systems, the sports culture, the pornography culture, etc? How we can be transformative?” How can we change the practices that will lead to different outcomes? His illustration of victim blaming, near the three-minute mark, is eye-opening.
I could go on, and summarize Dr. Katz’s TED talk, but instead will, again, urge you and others to view it. Though, I will end with a quote from the end of his talk (16:28-minute mark): “... there's an awful lot of men who care deeply about these issues. I know this, I work with men, and I've been working with tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of men for many decades now. ... but caring deeply is not enough. We need more men with the guts, with the courage, with the strength, with the moral integrity to break our complicit silence and challenge each other, and stand with women and not against them. By the way, we owe it to women. There's no question about it. But we also owe it to our sons. We also owe it to young men who are growing up all over the world in situations where they didn't make the choice to be a man in a culture that tells them that manhood is a certain way. They didn't make the choice. We that have a choice, have an opportunity and a responsibility to them as well.”
Ms. Spies: Thank you for such an insightful article. I wholeheartedly agee with Mr. Katz's call for a paradigm shift. He is spot-on about naming men’s responsibility in ending violence against women. Regarding domestic abuse, I have often been asked the question "why doesn't she leave?" I always respond with another question "why does he abuse her?", and then urge others to ask my question instead of theirs.
Central Registry: When there is evidence that an individual has abused or neglected a child, and the future risk to the child is high or intensive, that individual's name is placed on the Central Registry.
ICHAT: An online search restricted to convictions recorded in the state of Michigan, and reported to Michigan State Police. Suppressed records and warrant information are not available through ICHAT. Also, not included are federal records, tribal records, and criminal history from other states. This service is free for non-profit entities, but a government Agency Code is required to perform the checks at no charge.
Michigan Public Sex Offender Registry: This online registry is made available with the intent to better assist the public in preventing and protecting against the commission of future criminal sexual acts by convicted sex offenders. The offense hyperlink available on the offender details webpage reflects the current statute, and due to continuous legislative changes, may not be indicative of the statute at the time the offender was convicted. This service is free for non-profit entities.
NOTE: These are for those in the State of Michigan only. Other state and Canadian provinces may have similar resources.
Safe Haven Ministries recommends HireRight, a global agency for a very broad reach.
Mr. Van Dyken: I have been surprised by your comments about Eric’s posting as they are so different from my takeaway. As Bonnie Nicholas points out in her post below, I, too, viewed Eric’s post as one requesting resources, and encouraging churches to take advantage of resources, not, as I understand your impression, to be one of telling churches what they “should” do.
I hope your heart is willing to hear my thoughts; they are offered humbly and in a spirit of shalom.
This first piece is really an aside, and not directly connected to the ongoing discussion, but, no doubt, still important. Addressing your first paragraph, please be aware that offers of prayers such as yours must be made carefully. Mr. Van Ryk, as an abuse survivor, expresses thanks for your comments, but there are survivors and victims who may be hurt by such words. I do not know if you have ever been personally affected by abuse or had a close relationship to one who has abused. But for those who have been, it is important for caregivers to be sensitive to where that person is at in his/her relationship with God. Many question where was God?; why did He allow this to be done to me?; where is this “healing balm” you pray about? They may not be able accept that God loves them. The abuser may have used God's name and words, and twisted who He is. Often, the survivor needs time to recognize God's love for her/him. We must be sensitive in offering words of support. I offer this humbly to you as I learned this from a survivor after offering similar words to her.
Addressing your last paragraph, first you mention that “Such judgments require wisdom and discretion, the likes of which can only be properly exercised in close relationship with people.” Those intent on doing harm are often manipulative, and can be effective in triangulating church staff and elders to remove accountability from their actions. There are numerous examples of deception at the church leadership level; most recently, think Willow Creek and the Catholic Churches. There are many Bible verses that warn of deceitful hearts. I also question your assertion that “... wisdom and discretion can only be ...” (emphasis mind.) Absolutes can be dangerous. When I am in need for God’s guidance, I often turn to others, especially my spiritual mentors. These spiritual mentors, while not in a close relationship with me, possess immense wisdom, and are on whom I rely to open my eyes to the Spirit’s direction. Dare I do it alone? No. On a personal and close community level, our own ability to self-deceive is really quite extraordinary. How might each decision be made easier and more Spirit-inspired if we involve a larger community – people and agencies emotionally distanced (“detached”) – to whom we can turn to at points of decision-making. Detachment can be a very good thing; those with objectivity are often better equipped to help you hear God speak. Secondly, in this last paragraph, you follow that sentence by stating “That is a closeness that agencies don’t possess, yet elders must possess.” I wonder if you belong to a small church where everyone knows everyone else (or thinks they do.) I belong to a church with an attendance of approximately 1,600 people. Based on that large number of congregants and the fact that our elders work on a three-year rotation, insisting that elders must possess such closeness is unrealistic and nearly impossible. I am grateful that my Council has access to the resources from “detached agencies” such as the CRCNA. I firmly believe that such agencies are used by the Spirit to support local congregations.
Safe Church personnel such as Eric and Bonnie have been invaluable to our church’s LiveSafe Team. We have been blessed by partnering with them to help our church become healthier and worthy of being the kind of church God is calling us to be; a church that reaches out, learns lessons, grows through healing, and demonstrates the love of Christ. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God, and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. May God be glorified in all we do.
Note: The verses are quoted from the New International Version (NIV).
The problem is not what Eric is quoted as saying, the problem is one of semantics. Is it fair to hold Eric accountable for a word meaning that you inferred, but he did not intend? Eric has stated that "I don't take "should" to be that same as "must." It appears quite clear now that his post was not meant in an authoritative manner, but one offering resources. Eric's clarification was helpful to me, and I hope it was for you also.
I am interested in understanding the "larger context at play here." I cannot find The Banner article link you refer to. Could you please repost the link?
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you; no one, much less a child, should experience such violence. It also reminds me that your response - crying out - is a good one to teach others. My grandchildren will hear that message from me.
Breaking the silence is happening more and more thanks to courageous people like you. It is also good to hear stories about male victims to heighten our awareness that abuse happens to all people. It is my prayer that your abuser has or will repent, and that you may find the peace that only God can give. Shalom.
Ms. Rhodes: Thank you for bringing attention to this subject. Scientific studies have confirmed your observations about emotional and physiological desensitization to real-life and movie violence. Results have pointed to diminished empathy and reduced emotional reactivity to violence as key aspects of desensitization to real-life violence. This kind of emotional desensitization to violence also contributes to adolescents' violent behavior.
What are our eyes on? May it be Jesus (Hebrews 12:2)!
Posted in: A Safe Church Jeopardy Game
Daina: What a wonderfully creative idea! Thank you for sharing.
Posted in: Gillette: The Best a Man Can Get?
Mr. Vande Griend
I have been reading this conversation in interest, and because of you, I now have a better understanding of how law enforcement and legal institutions handle domestic abuse situations. Thank you.
I do want to respond to your comment that you “just haven't seen, in my adult life, that people or institutions have blamed the women when they are victims of men's assault or abuse.” I will argue that you have seen it, but have not recognized it nor its pervasiveness. I personally know it and how pervasive it is; EVERY time I tell of my experiences, the first question I ALWAYS get it why doesn’t she leave? Maybe you have asked the same question yourself? Until I was personally involved, I did not know it was the wrong question to ask. Dr. Jackson Katz* points out how this is victim blaming. He and I argue that that is the wrong question; instead we have to ask a different question. The question is not about Mary, it’s about John; why does John abuse Mary?
Dr. Katz pioneered the “bystander” approach to the gender violence prevention (a topic for another blog post). I urge you to view his TED talk, “Violence Against Women-it’s a Men’s Issue.” In it, he points out that these are intrinsically men's issues - and shows how these violent behaviors are tied to definitions of manhood; he looks for all of us, women and men, to call out unacceptable behavior and be leaders of change. It has been viewed millions of times. I think his TED talk has been offered before on this blog, and it is well worth the 17 minutes it takes to view it. Dr. Katz talks about dominant groups, power and privilege, leadership, and victim blaming, but he also challenges us to ask the right questions like “what is the role of religious belief systems, the sports culture, the pornography culture, etc? How we can be transformative?” How can we change the practices that will lead to different outcomes? His illustration of victim blaming, near the three-minute mark, is eye-opening.
I could go on, and summarize Dr. Katz’s TED talk, but instead will, again, urge you and others to view it. Though, I will end with a quote from the end of his talk (16:28-minute mark): “... there's an awful lot of men who care deeply about these issues. I know this, I work with men, and I've been working with tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of men for many decades now. ... but caring deeply is not enough. We need more men with the guts, with the courage, with the strength, with the moral integrity to break our complicit silence and challenge each other, and stand with women and not against them. By the way, we owe it to women. There's no question about it. But we also owe it to our sons. We also owe it to young men who are growing up all over the world in situations where they didn't make the choice to be a man in a culture that tells them that manhood is a certain way. They didn't make the choice. We that have a choice, have an opportunity and a responsibility to them as well.”
Shalom
Posted in: Gillette: The Best a Man Can Get?
Amen, sister, amen!
Posted in: An Early Advent Reflection
Inspiring Bonnie. Thank you for this message.
Shalom
Posted in: Violence against Women – It’s a Men’s Issue
Ms. Spies: Thank you for such an insightful article. I wholeheartedly agee with Mr. Katz's call for a paradigm shift. He is spot-on about naming men’s responsibility in ending violence against women. Regarding domestic abuse, I have often been asked the question "why doesn't she leave?" I always respond with another question "why does he abuse her?", and then urge others to ask my question instead of theirs.
May God be glorified in all we do and say.
Posted in: Background Checks: What Screening Services Does Your Church Use?
LaGrave CRC uses:
Central Registry: When there is evidence that an individual has abused or neglected a child, and the future risk to the child is high or intensive, that individual's name is placed on the Central Registry.
ICHAT: An online search restricted to convictions recorded in the state of Michigan, and reported to Michigan State Police. Suppressed records and warrant information are not available through ICHAT. Also, not included are federal records, tribal records, and criminal history from other states. This service is free for non-profit entities, but a government Agency Code is required to perform the checks at no charge.
Michigan Public Sex Offender Registry: This online registry is made available with the intent to better assist the public in preventing and protecting against the commission of future criminal sexual acts by convicted sex offenders. The offense hyperlink available on the offender details webpage reflects the current statute, and due to continuous legislative changes, may not be indicative of the statute at the time the offender was convicted. This service is free for non-profit entities.
NOTE: These are for those in the State of Michigan only. Other state and Canadian provinces may have similar resources.
Safe Haven Ministries recommends HireRight, a global agency for a very broad reach.
Posted in: Background Checks: What Screening Services Does Your Church Use?
Mr. Van Dyken: I have been surprised by your comments about Eric’s posting as they are so different from my takeaway. As Bonnie Nicholas points out in her post below, I, too, viewed Eric’s post as one requesting resources, and encouraging churches to take advantage of resources, not, as I understand your impression, to be one of telling churches what they “should” do.
I hope your heart is willing to hear my thoughts; they are offered humbly and in a spirit of shalom.
This first piece is really an aside, and not directly connected to the ongoing discussion, but, no doubt, still important. Addressing your first paragraph, please be aware that offers of prayers such as yours must be made carefully. Mr. Van Ryk, as an abuse survivor, expresses thanks for your comments, but there are survivors and victims who may be hurt by such words. I do not know if you have ever been personally affected by abuse or had a close relationship to one who has abused. But for those who have been, it is important for caregivers to be sensitive to where that person is at in his/her relationship with God. Many question where was God?; why did He allow this to be done to me?; where is this “healing balm” you pray about? They may not be able accept that God loves them. The abuser may have used God's name and words, and twisted who He is. Often, the survivor needs time to recognize God's love for her/him. We must be sensitive in offering words of support. I offer this humbly to you as I learned this from a survivor after offering similar words to her.
Addressing your last paragraph, first you mention that “Such judgments require wisdom and discretion, the likes of which can only be properly exercised in close relationship with people.” Those intent on doing harm are often manipulative, and can be effective in triangulating church staff and elders to remove accountability from their actions. There are numerous examples of deception at the church leadership level; most recently, think Willow Creek and the Catholic Churches. There are many Bible verses that warn of deceitful hearts. I also question your assertion that “... wisdom and discretion can only be ...” (emphasis mind.) Absolutes can be dangerous. When I am in need for God’s guidance, I often turn to others, especially my spiritual mentors. These spiritual mentors, while not in a close relationship with me, possess immense wisdom, and are on whom I rely to open my eyes to the Spirit’s direction. Dare I do it alone? No. On a personal and close community level, our own ability to self-deceive is really quite extraordinary. How might each decision be made easier and more Spirit-inspired if we involve a larger community – people and agencies emotionally distanced (“detached”) – to whom we can turn to at points of decision-making. Detachment can be a very good thing; those with objectivity are often better equipped to help you hear God speak. Secondly, in this last paragraph, you follow that sentence by stating “That is a closeness that agencies don’t possess, yet elders must possess.” I wonder if you belong to a small church where everyone knows everyone else (or thinks they do.) I belong to a church with an attendance of approximately 1,600 people. Based on that large number of congregants and the fact that our elders work on a three-year rotation, insisting that elders must possess such closeness is unrealistic and nearly impossible. I am grateful that my Council has access to the resources from “detached agencies” such as the CRCNA. I firmly believe that such agencies are used by the Spirit to support local congregations.
Safe Church personnel such as Eric and Bonnie have been invaluable to our church’s LiveSafe Team. We have been blessed by partnering with them to help our church become healthier and worthy of being the kind of church God is calling us to be; a church that reaches out, learns lessons, grows through healing, and demonstrates the love of Christ. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God, and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. May God be glorified in all we do.
Note: The verses are quoted from the New International Version (NIV).
Posted in: Background Checks: What Screening Services Does Your Church Use?
Eric
The problem is not what Eric is quoted as saying, the problem is one of semantics. Is it fair to hold Eric accountable for a word meaning that you inferred, but he did not intend? Eric has stated that "I don't take "should" to be that same as "must." It appears quite clear now that his post was not meant in an authoritative manner, but one offering resources. Eric's clarification was helpful to me, and I hope it was for you also.
I am interested in understanding the "larger context at play here." I cannot find The Banner article link you refer to. Could you please repost the link?
Shalom.
Posted in: Sexual Assault Against Boys: My Story
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you; no one, much less a child, should experience such violence. It also reminds me that your response - crying out - is a good one to teach others. My grandchildren will hear that message from me.
Breaking the silence is happening more and more thanks to courageous people like you. It is also good to hear stories about male victims to heighten our awareness that abuse happens to all people. It is my prayer that your abuser has or will repent, and that you may find the peace that only God can give. Shalom.
Posted in: Ob Scenus
Ms. Rhodes: Thank you for bringing attention to this subject. Scientific studies have confirmed your observations about emotional and physiological desensitization to real-life and movie violence. Results have pointed to diminished empathy and reduced emotional reactivity to violence as key aspects of desensitization to real-life violence. This kind of emotional desensitization to violence also contributes to adolescents' violent behavior.
What are our eyes on? May it be Jesus (Hebrews 12:2)!