Thank you for this illustration Mr. Winiarski. It is helpful in understanding how the church is full of those with different perspectives, and how one might respond in love.
I am wondering if this problem might be better solved by moving past fear. When I think about all of the lessons that our culture is throwing at children, it is very frightening. But keeping kids away from all outside cultural influences isn’t possible. So instead of being afraid of what they are reading and watching, equip them to understand the information they are absorbing.
Messages from secular sources surround us every day. They can seep into our brains without us even knowing that they are there. All of us if we aren’t careful, can mindlessly assimilate bad messages and bad behaviors that lead us down paths we may not even know we are walking. That is why discernment matters. Proverbs 4 warns us about what we fill our minds with. It tells us to guard our hearts and watch what flows from our mouths and which way our eyes look and our feet walk. We could take this to the extreme and say that all secular sources are bad and we shouldn’t read any of them, but that is quite drastic. After all, while there are definitely bad messages that we get from those sources, they can teach us things about the world and about how we treat each other. Secular culture gives us a window into how the world acts, and can even teach us spiritual lessons. Even the apostle Paul, as he was teaching in the city of Athens, used an idol that he had seen in the city as a way to point his listeners to God (Acts 17:22-23). Paul used the culture of the city of Athens to teach about God. We can do the same thing with the culture of our day. It can point us and others to God and it can teach our children lessons about God if we aren’t afraid to ask our children some questions about what they are reading. This may sound like a difficult task, but understanding how to engage with others can help us as we talk to our children about secular information.
Today, youth are bombarded with views of human sexuality that are not God-honoring. How about engaging with youth to help them use real discernment when faced with secular messages? When faced with facts that may not honor God or are evil, it is important to talk that out; explore how the author’s view differs from scripture. Pulling lessons out of secular content can be difficult, but this is where some of the real conversation can happen. Talk about what we will take away from the source and bring with us into our everyday lives. Maybe it will make you pause and consider some aspect of how you are living, either in a positive way or a negative one. Real discernment means talking about ideas like identity, purpose, and belonging; this could be a perfect time to bring scripture back into the conversation and talk about identity, purpose, or belonging from God’s perspective.
Again, let’s move past fear. One can still draw boundaries around what children can take in, but how much better to equip them with some of the skills they will need to be able to engage culture on their own when they are old enough to make their own choices. I encourage you to work with your children and youth and talk to them about what they are seeing. Teach them to discern what they put into their minds, eyes, and ears and what lessons they are living out in their everyday lives. (Thanks to Rev. Dr. Bret Lamsma for many of these thoughts.)
You impress me as a thoughtful man who knows Scripture.
Let me invited you to view things from a victim’s viewpoint. Through a victim, I have learned that we all need to be sensitive, first, to where the victim or potential victim is at in his/her relationship with God. Many question "where was God?" "Why did He allow this to be done to me?". (S)he may not be able accept that God loves her/him. Surrounded by people singing praises to God, (s)he might think "if God is so loving and amazing, why do I feel so bad?" Victims may have many questions including "why does God not 'work' for me?" "Where is this peace that Christians talk about?"
These questions can be compounded by the fact that the abuser uses God's Name and Word against her/him, and twists Who He was. Scripture is used to justify the abuse. Victims can take a long time to recognize God's love and the real truth of Scripture.
I invite you to think about how the very resources you are afraid of can be a literal life-line for those being abuse or in danger of being abuse.
Mr. VanDyken: I have been following this conversation with interest, and offer my comments in humility and sincerity.
I am not sure that Mr. Winiarski is “introducing some novel concepts here.” You, yourself, ask that The Network “remove all references to and promotion of Break the Cycle, Youth.gov, and Love is Respect from this article.” Is this not banning?
I am confused about your statements that "what we have here is a church agency and employees (with the denominational imprimatur) recommending a resource for teen relationships that builds its understanding of relationships on principles of wickedness" and "church promotion of worldly concepts." I cannot find any such recommendation or promotion anywhere in this article; what I find is a link to "some recent statistics from two organizations in the US that are working to put an end to teen violence." Likewise, "a comprehensive list of what dating abuse looks like, as compiled by Breakthecycle.org" is offered. The link to Loveisrespect.org is provided as a place for information on "knowing what signs to look for ... an agency that offers a great deal of resources to further this conversation. ... They also offer practical steps on how to get out of abusive situations." We should be careful not to mislead by interpreting words of others inaccurately.
Sometimes "walking in another’s shoes" can be enlightening. As one who has searched near and far for resources on abuse, sources should as these, filtered through a Biblical lens, are vitally important. Often, unless you are impacted by abuse, you cannot understand the urgent need to find ways to escape or help loved ones who suffer. Abuse is often done in the very name of God; abusers use Scripture to validate his/her abuse. Closing the door on valuable resources can be life-threatening.
I am confused by your comment referring to Mr. Winiarski’s past history: I am not sure of how this fits into this conversation. Questioning the judgment of others without verification is neither helpful nor reflecting of Christ’s love. It can be very disingenuous and harmful to others.
I am glad to see that you are "very supportive of the free and open exchange of ideas and arguments." Such openness can be the beginning of honest and truthful exchanges that offer others the opportunity of expression without fear of judgment. I am thankful that this platform presents such a wonderful opportunity. What I do know for certain is that we can rest in the fact that God sovereignly works everything for the good of His people, including restoring us through the righteousness of His Son. Our righteousness began in Christ and is completed in Christ. Follow Him and pursue it daily.
Eric: This website claims to be created from a Reformed perspective. Please be aware that I have not explored all the links on the website.
FamilyFire: From the About webpage - "FamilyFire is a Christian ministry committed to sharing the good news of God's design for relationships, marriage, and parenting. Together, we explore spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy and how the Spirit empowers us to live out our faith in relationships." Categories on this site include Dating, Marriage, Sexuality, and others. This 2015 CRCNA article tells more about this ministry produced by Grand Rapids based Pastor Deb Koster in collaboration with her husband, Pastor Steven.
Grand Rapids-based Safe Haven Ministries "help employers, faith communities, schools, and other agencies create a culture of abuse prevention through trainings and resources." Among their offerings is a Teen Dating Violence Prevention Program promoting healthy relationships. You can find out about this program by clicking this link.
Ms. Boelens-Groen: Your poem pierced my heart. I could feel your agony in your words, and understand your plea to churches for help and to make a difference. Churches must provide a safe place where abuse victims and concerned others can break their silence. Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you.
Thank you for letting us know about Rachel Denhollander's upcoming event at Calvin College.
While only indirectly related to the Murray article, I would also like to pass on another resource regarding abuse and the response to it. Michigan Radio has produced an outstanding podcast titled Believed. "Believed is a story of survivors finding their power in a cultural moment when people are coming to understand how important that is. It’s an inside look at how a team of women — a detective, a prosecutor, and an army of survivors — won justice in one of the largest serial sexual abuse cases in U.S. history. It’s also an unnerving exploration of how even well-meaning adults can fail to believe" (Michigan Radio). You can access it at believed.michiganradio.org. Ms. Denhollander is featured as are other courageous women. I highly recommend listening to all the episodes beginning with number one.
Eric also provides a link to a Network article, Justice, Grace, and Worth: Rachael Denhollander's Victim Impact Statement, I believe it is worth the read. This article contains a link to Ms. Denhollander's complete witness impact statement. Her passion for justice and her demonstration of her faith radiates hope and God's grace. Here is the link to a video of Ms. Denhollander's victim impact statement: https://youtu.be/7CjVOLToRJk.
Mr. Hemstreet: Thank you for your comments on this topic. I found Professor Murray's article extremely insightful and informative. It gave me a greater knowledge of a topic I have been very curious about.
I am perplexed, though, regarding your statement "those that are guilty of sin should be publicly shamed." You mention that doing so would serve as a "warning to others." In reality, "research underscores the more significant role that certainty plays in deterrence than severity — it is the certainty of being caught that deters a person from committing crime, not the fear of being punished or the severity of the punishment" ("Five Things About Deterrence." National Institute of Justice, 6 June 2016, nij.gov/five-things/pages/deterrence.aspx). But of more importance is the fact that publicly shaming a sinner may cause harm to a victim if one is involved. Even if the victim would remain unnamed, members of a church could easily "connect the dots" to discover who the victim is. A better warning to others might be the knowledge that the church takes abuse seriously and that the "Christians in positions of power there examine themselves as they make decisions and judgments going forwards" (Murray).
Also, not steeped in church doctrine, I am curious about the doctrine you refer to that states that repentance "if and when it is given, it will easily overcome the barrier of public shame." What particular doctrine is that?
It is my prayer that we be the kind of church God is calling us to be; a church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
Rev. Gelwicks; It is my hope that you will be open to my thoughts regarding your commentary.
Grab a cup of coffee – or two for this long one. ;)
First, I believe that your severity of crime with corresponding degrees of punishment examples (theft and assault crimes) need further examination.
Let me explain.
Your second paragraph argues that “the punishment sought by this women was not comparable to the wrong that was committed by this pastor.” You go on to compare the degrees of theft (petty to grand theft) to the degrees of sexual assault (pinching to rape). Your words lead me to believe then that you believe the minister in question did commit a crime worthy of punishment. I use the word crime because of your theft/sexual assault analogy.
Then regarding punishment and staying with your analogy, law enforcement will also consider the number of previous thefts or assaults. Looking back at our story, the minister in question “had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. Only because of the current #MeToo movement have women been breaking their silence. Expert Lundy Bancroft, the counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, believes based on professional experience that an abuser can change, but most don’t. Bancroft tells us about specific signs which can indicate whether an abuser has changed; there are:
Admitting fully to what he has done.
Stopping excuse-making.
Making amends.
Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice.
Demonstrating respectful, kind and supportive behaviors.
Changing how they respond to the victim’s anger and grievances.
The minister in this story appears to have done none of these.
Also, we do not know what type of sexually inappropriate behavior he previously committed; was it petty theft/pinching, grand theft/rape, or something in between? Looking even more closely, this minister not only committed a previous crime of sexual assault, he also committed blackmail.
Second, your “shoe on the other foot” needs further analysis.
Let me explain.
Your third paragraph, I believe, is based on your assumptions. You state that “very few men (including pastors) would consider this as sexual harassment.” How many men did you ask? How many of those men are pastors? I did survey one man (my husband, who is not a minister) about your hypothetical situation, and he replied that he would feel it very inappropriate if, especially in a CRC public setting, a woman pinched his bottom and said, “nice hiney.” He would not find it humorous, and actually “would wonder what drugs she was on.” One must be very careful when assuming how others might feel and act, much less making broad gender-based statements based on those assumptions.
Viewing the pinch and whisper as light-hearted humor is very dangerous. The victim had no idea of the intent of the minister. How could you or anyone know he intended his pinch and crude words as humor? The minister’s request for secrecy the next day does not indicate any kind of humor at all. As MJill H, in her comment above, so astutely observes, humor does not clothe itself in whispers and vows of secrecy.
Your fourth paragraph contains more assumptions and a puzzling statement.
Let me explain.
How could you or anyone know that “this pastor thought he knew his audience (this woman) for a variety of possible reasons?” How could you or anyone know “he intended [it] as light hearted humor? How could you or anyone know this pastor did not have “any designs on this woman sexually?”
Your last sentence in this paragraph is indeed troubling to me: First, I find no evidence in the story that the victim “was going for his throat.” No where do I read that she was seeking any specific punishment; I only inferred that she was seeking justice of a wrong committed against her. Secondly, the last part of this sentence can only be an assumption that the minister intended his pinch and whispered crude words as humor.
Your fifth paragraph causes more puzzlement for me.
Let me explain.
You state the “fact that he would not apologize reinforces his position;” can one then apply this same rational to other wrongs? If the petty thief, the grand larcener, the groper, or the rapist will not apologize, does that just “reinforce his position?” You then write that “he would not admit to sexual harassment (her accusation), but only to an intended humor;” I see nothing in the story that matches that statement. The story does indicate that the day after the incident, the minister confesses to the victim when confronted, and later at a meeting with others investigating the incident, he stated that “She is accurate but I will never ask for her forgiveness.” You also mention that “the fact that the elders did not likely consider this incident to involve serious sexual harassment, they were willing to review the proposed course of action and reduce the charges.” This statement suggests a greater knowledge of the incident than the story allows the rest of us readers. What is further injurious to the victim is that she was “informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials” and then later discovered on her own that the minister’s “credentials were never suspended.”
Finally, your last sentence lacks creditability.
Let me explain.
It is always the responsibility of pastors to maintain healthy boundaries in all of their relationships. Physical contact to someone’s “hiney”, whisper crude words, and blackmail by a anyone is always sinful behavior. Church leaders, those who act in the Lord’s name, must be held to a high standard. Abusive/assaultive behavior by a pastor reveals a misuse of the power and position entrusted to him.
It is disrespectful; “abuse and respect are diametric opposites – you do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.” (Lundy Bancroft; Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)
It does not honor God who commands us to “treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (I Timothy 5:1a - 2).
It does not honor the women who bear the divine image.
So, in our story, here is a minister, someone who should be held to a higher standard, who has:
*Committed at least one other crime of sexual assault of unknown degree in the past.
*Committed a crime of blackmail to cover up the sexual assault.
*Was required to undergo therapy because of the sexual assault and blackmail.
*Committed another sexual assault crime (“pinching this woman on the bottom”).
*Requested secrecy for his wrongful actions.
*Admitted his wrongful actions (pinching and crude words) to the victim, but refused to apologized.
*Had been sentenced to mandatory therapy for his previously committed sexual assault.
*Confront the victim at a later date when requested not to.
So, in our story, the victim suffers many injustices:
*The assault.
*Rejection of help from the organization that sponsored the retreat where the assault took place.
*Rejection of help from Safe Church.
*While it is commendable that the minister’s credentialing churches investigated the incident, the process was done poorly with little care and attention to the victim; the emphasis appears to be on the abuser.
*When the investigation did involve the victim, reconciliation was considered the first step. While reconciliation can be part of the process of justice, it is one of the last steps.
*While the minister admitted his wrongful conduct, he would not apologize.
*The recommended punishment (two-year suspension) was never implemented.
*The victim only discovered on her own that the punishment was never implemented.
*The victim graciously asserted that she did not “think it was my place to prevent his attending” the retreat, but with the stipulation that “he understood that there should not be contact with” her; then this minister actually confronts her for a handshake at a later retreat.
Godly “men know that women are made in the image of God and deserving of dignity and respect—they are image bearers. This is how God desires our world to operate; as the Bible relates at the very beginning in the book of Genesis, “So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27 NIV)” (Act Like Men, part 3: Men Treat Women with Respect; Christianity Today; 20 October 2014).
Both secular legal and the church systems get judgements wrong – OJ Simpson was found not guilty by a jury of his peers and, more recently, Willow Creek admitted to mishandling abuse allegations. A Christianity Today article details how Willow Creek (WC) is coming to terms “with the areas of our hearts, minds, and souls that blinded us to the pain and suffering of the women and their advocates. We ask forgiveness from God, our congregation, the women, their advocates, and those who have been calling us to repent” (WC elder Missy Rasmussen).
As intended, and rightly so, this S.O.S. article and discussion has focused on one woman’s story. My prayer for her is that, while her healing journey has been long and hard, she may be free from the trauma caused by this situation of abuse. May she find someone who can walk alongside her so her journey is not alone. For the rest of us, my hope and prayer is that the discussion has prompted some soul searching for all of us as we seek to honor God and the dignity of every other person created in His image in everything we do. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. “Ultimately this church is in God’s hands. … Please know that I am not giving up on this church. Most importantly, God is not giving up on this church. He created it. He has always been faithful to it (WC pastor Heather Larson).
In closing, I echo WC elder Missy Rasmussen, “we want to be the kind of church God is calling us to be. “A church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.”
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
Thank you for this illustration Mr. Winiarski. It is helpful in understanding how the church is full of those with different perspectives, and how one might respond in love.
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
I am wondering if this problem might be better solved by moving past fear. When I think about all of the lessons that our culture is throwing at children, it is very frightening. But keeping kids away from all outside cultural influences isn’t possible. So instead of being afraid of what they are reading and watching, equip them to understand the information they are absorbing.
Messages from secular sources surround us every day. They can seep into our brains without us even knowing that they are there. All of us if we aren’t careful, can mindlessly assimilate bad messages and bad behaviors that lead us down paths we may not even know we are walking. That is why discernment matters. Proverbs 4 warns us about what we fill our minds with. It tells us to guard our hearts and watch what flows from our mouths and which way our eyes look and our feet walk. We could take this to the extreme and say that all secular sources are bad and we shouldn’t read any of them, but that is quite drastic. After all, while there are definitely bad messages that we get from those sources, they can teach us things about the world and about how we treat each other. Secular culture gives us a window into how the world acts, and can even teach us spiritual lessons. Even the apostle Paul, as he was teaching in the city of Athens, used an idol that he had seen in the city as a way to point his listeners to God (Acts 17:22-23). Paul used the culture of the city of Athens to teach about God. We can do the same thing with the culture of our day. It can point us and others to God and it can teach our children lessons about God if we aren’t afraid to ask our children some questions about what they are reading. This may sound like a difficult task, but understanding how to engage with others can help us as we talk to our children about secular information.
Today, youth are bombarded with views of human sexuality that are not God-honoring. How about engaging with youth to help them use real discernment when faced with secular messages? When faced with facts that may not honor God or are evil, it is important to talk that out; explore how the author’s view differs from scripture. Pulling lessons out of secular content can be difficult, but this is where some of the real conversation can happen. Talk about what we will take away from the source and bring with us into our everyday lives. Maybe it will make you pause and consider some aspect of how you are living, either in a positive way or a negative one. Real discernment means talking about ideas like identity, purpose, and belonging; this could be a perfect time to bring scripture back into the conversation and talk about identity, purpose, or belonging from God’s perspective.
Again, let’s move past fear. One can still draw boundaries around what children can take in, but how much better to equip them with some of the skills they will need to be able to engage culture on their own when they are old enough to make their own choices. I encourage you to work with your children and youth and talk to them about what they are seeing. Teach them to discern what they put into their minds, eyes, and ears and what lessons they are living out in their everyday lives. (Thanks to Rev. Dr. Bret Lamsma for many of these thoughts.)
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
Mr. VanDyken:
You impress me as a thoughtful man who knows Scripture.
Let me invited you to view things from a victim’s viewpoint. Through a victim, I have learned that we all need to be sensitive, first, to where the victim or potential victim is at in his/her relationship with God. Many question "where was God?" "Why did He allow this to be done to me?". (S)he may not be able accept that God loves her/him. Surrounded by people singing praises to God, (s)he might think "if God is so loving and amazing, why do I feel so bad?" Victims may have many questions including "why does God not 'work' for me?" "Where is this peace that Christians talk about?"
These questions can be compounded by the fact that the abuser uses God's Name and Word against her/him, and twists Who He was. Scripture is used to justify the abuse. Victims can take a long time to recognize God's love and the real truth of Scripture.
I invite you to think about how the very resources you are afraid of can be a literal life-line for those being abuse or in danger of being abuse.
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
Mr. VanDyken: I have been following this conversation with interest, and offer my comments in humility and sincerity.
I am not sure that Mr. Winiarski is “introducing some novel concepts here.” You, yourself, ask that The Network “remove all references to and promotion of Break the Cycle, Youth.gov, and Love is Respect from this article.” Is this not banning?
I am confused about your statements that "what we have here is a church agency and employees (with the denominational imprimatur) recommending a resource for teen relationships that builds its understanding of relationships on principles of wickedness" and "church promotion of worldly concepts." I cannot find any such recommendation or promotion anywhere in this article; what I find is a link to "some recent statistics from two organizations in the US that are working to put an end to teen violence." Likewise, "a comprehensive list of what dating abuse looks like, as compiled by Breakthecycle.org" is offered. The link to Loveisrespect.org is provided as a place for information on "knowing what signs to look for ... an agency that offers a great deal of resources to further this conversation. ... They also offer practical steps on how to get out of abusive situations." We should be careful not to mislead by interpreting words of others inaccurately.
Sometimes "walking in another’s shoes" can be enlightening. As one who has searched near and far for resources on abuse, sources should as these, filtered through a Biblical lens, are vitally important. Often, unless you are impacted by abuse, you cannot understand the urgent need to find ways to escape or help loved ones who suffer. Abuse is often done in the very name of God; abusers use Scripture to validate his/her abuse. Closing the door on valuable resources can be life-threatening.
I am confused by your comment referring to Mr. Winiarski’s past history: I am not sure of how this fits into this conversation. Questioning the judgment of others without verification is neither helpful nor reflecting of Christ’s love. It can be very disingenuous and harmful to others.
I am glad to see that you are "very supportive of the free and open exchange of ideas and arguments." Such openness can be the beginning of honest and truthful exchanges that offer others the opportunity of expression without fear of judgment. I am thankful that this platform presents such a wonderful opportunity. What I do know for certain is that we can rest in the fact that God sovereignly works everything for the good of His people, including restoring us through the righteousness of His Son. Our righteousness began in Christ and is completed in Christ. Follow Him and pursue it daily.
jae
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
Eric: This website claims to be created from a Reformed perspective. Please be aware that I have not explored all the links on the website.
FamilyFire: From the About webpage - "FamilyFire is a Christian ministry committed to sharing the good news of God's design for relationships, marriage, and parenting. Together, we explore spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy and how the Spirit empowers us to live out our faith in relationships." Categories on this site include Dating, Marriage, Sexuality, and others. This 2015 CRCNA article tells more about this ministry produced by Grand Rapids based Pastor Deb Koster in collaboration with her husband, Pastor Steven.
Posted in: February Is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month (TDVAM)
One more resource:
Grand Rapids-based Safe Haven Ministries "help employers, faith communities, schools, and other agencies create a culture of abuse prevention through trainings and resources." Among their offerings is a Teen Dating Violence Prevention Program promoting healthy relationships. You can find out about this program by clicking this link.
Shalom <><
Posted in: S.O.S. Silence Hides Violence, Violence Destroys Lives
Ms. Boelens-Groen: Your poem pierced my heart. I could feel your agony in your words, and understand your plea to churches for help and to make a difference. Churches must provide a safe place where abuse victims and concerned others can break their silence. Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you.
Posted in: Why Do Churches Cover Up Sin?
Thank you for letting us know about Rachel Denhollander's upcoming event at Calvin College.
While only indirectly related to the Murray article, I would also like to pass on another resource regarding abuse and the response to it. Michigan Radio has produced an outstanding podcast titled Believed. "Believed is a story of survivors finding their power in a cultural moment when people are coming to understand how important that is. It’s an inside look at how a team of women — a detective, a prosecutor, and an army of survivors — won justice in one of the largest serial sexual abuse cases in U.S. history. It’s also an unnerving exploration of how even well-meaning adults can fail to believe" (Michigan Radio). You can access it at believed.michiganradio.org. Ms. Denhollander is featured as are other courageous women. I highly recommend listening to all the episodes beginning with number one.
Eric also provides a link to a Network article, Justice, Grace, and Worth: Rachael Denhollander's Victim Impact Statement, I believe it is worth the read. This article contains a link to Ms. Denhollander's complete witness impact statement. Her passion for justice and her demonstration of her faith radiates hope and God's grace. Here is the link to a video of Ms. Denhollander's victim impact statement: https://youtu.be/7CjVOLToRJk.
Shalom
Posted in: Why Do Churches Cover Up Sin?
Mr. Hemstreet: Thank you for your comments on this topic. I found Professor Murray's article extremely insightful and informative. It gave me a greater knowledge of a topic I have been very curious about.
I am perplexed, though, regarding your statement "those that are guilty of sin should be publicly shamed." You mention that doing so would serve as a "warning to others." In reality, "research underscores the more significant role that certainty plays in deterrence than severity — it is the certainty of being caught that deters a person from committing crime, not the fear of being punished or the severity of the punishment" ("Five Things About Deterrence." National Institute of Justice, 6 June 2016, nij.gov/five-things/pages/deterrence.aspx). But of more importance is the fact that publicly shaming a sinner may cause harm to a victim if one is involved. Even if the victim would remain unnamed, members of a church could easily "connect the dots" to discover who the victim is. A better warning to others might be the knowledge that the church takes abuse seriously and that the "Christians in positions of power there examine themselves as they make decisions and judgments going forwards" (Murray).
Also, not steeped in church doctrine, I am curious about the doctrine you refer to that states that repentance "if and when it is given, it will easily overcome the barrier of public shame." What particular doctrine is that?
It is my prayer that we be the kind of church God is calling us to be; a church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Rev. Gelwicks; It is my hope that you will be open to my thoughts regarding your commentary.
Grab a cup of coffee – or two for this long one. ;)
First, I believe that your severity of crime with corresponding degrees of punishment examples (theft and assault crimes) need further examination.
Let me explain.
Your second paragraph argues that “the punishment sought by this women was not comparable to the wrong that was committed by this pastor.” You go on to compare the degrees of theft (petty to grand theft) to the degrees of sexual assault (pinching to rape). Your words lead me to believe then that you believe the minister in question did commit a crime worthy of punishment. I use the word crime because of your theft/sexual assault analogy.
Then regarding punishment and staying with your analogy, law enforcement will also consider the number of previous thefts or assaults. Looking back at our story, the minister in question “had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. Only because of the current #MeToo movement have women been breaking their silence. Expert Lundy Bancroft, the counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, believes based on professional experience that an abuser can change, but most don’t. Bancroft tells us about specific signs which can indicate whether an abuser has changed; there are:
The minister in this story appears to have done none of these.
Also, we do not know what type of sexually inappropriate behavior he previously committed; was it petty theft/pinching, grand theft/rape, or something in between? Looking even more closely, this minister not only committed a previous crime of sexual assault, he also committed blackmail.
Second, your “shoe on the other foot” needs further analysis.
Let me explain.
Your third paragraph, I believe, is based on your assumptions. You state that “very few men (including pastors) would consider this as sexual harassment.” How many men did you ask? How many of those men are pastors? I did survey one man (my husband, who is not a minister) about your hypothetical situation, and he replied that he would feel it very inappropriate if, especially in a CRC public setting, a woman pinched his bottom and said, “nice hiney.” He would not find it humorous, and actually “would wonder what drugs she was on.” One must be very careful when assuming how others might feel and act, much less making broad gender-based statements based on those assumptions.
Viewing the pinch and whisper as light-hearted humor is very dangerous. The victim had no idea of the intent of the minister. How could you or anyone know he intended his pinch and crude words as humor? The minister’s request for secrecy the next day does not indicate any kind of humor at all. As MJill H, in her comment above, so astutely observes, humor does not clothe itself in whispers and vows of secrecy.
Your fourth paragraph contains more assumptions and a puzzling statement.
Let me explain.
How could you or anyone know that “this pastor thought he knew his audience (this woman) for a variety of possible reasons?” How could you or anyone know “he intended [it] as light hearted humor? How could you or anyone know this pastor did not have “any designs on this woman sexually?”
Your last sentence in this paragraph is indeed troubling to me: First, I find no evidence in the story that the victim “was going for his throat.” No where do I read that she was seeking any specific punishment; I only inferred that she was seeking justice of a wrong committed against her. Secondly, the last part of this sentence can only be an assumption that the minister intended his pinch and whispered crude words as humor.
Your fifth paragraph causes more puzzlement for me.
Let me explain.
You state the “fact that he would not apologize reinforces his position;” can one then apply this same rational to other wrongs? If the petty thief, the grand larcener, the groper, or the rapist will not apologize, does that just “reinforce his position?” You then write that “he would not admit to sexual harassment (her accusation), but only to an intended humor;” I see nothing in the story that matches that statement. The story does indicate that the day after the incident, the minister confesses to the victim when confronted, and later at a meeting with others investigating the incident, he stated that “She is accurate but I will never ask for her forgiveness.” You also mention that “the fact that the elders did not likely consider this incident to involve serious sexual harassment, they were willing to review the proposed course of action and reduce the charges.” This statement suggests a greater knowledge of the incident than the story allows the rest of us readers. What is further injurious to the victim is that she was “informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials” and then later discovered on her own that the minister’s “credentials were never suspended.”
Finally, your last sentence lacks creditability.
Let me explain.
It is always the responsibility of pastors to maintain healthy boundaries in all of their relationships. Physical contact to someone’s “hiney”, whisper crude words, and blackmail by a anyone is always sinful behavior. Church leaders, those who act in the Lord’s name, must be held to a high standard. Abusive/assaultive behavior by a pastor reveals a misuse of the power and position entrusted to him.
It is disrespectful; “abuse and respect are diametric opposites – you do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.” (Lundy Bancroft; Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)
It does not honor God who commands us to “treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (I Timothy 5:1a - 2).
It does not honor the women who bear the divine image.
So, in our story, here is a minister, someone who should be held to a higher standard, who has:
*Committed at least one other crime of sexual assault of unknown degree in the past.
*Committed a crime of blackmail to cover up the sexual assault.
*Was required to undergo therapy because of the sexual assault and blackmail.
*Committed another sexual assault crime (“pinching this woman on the bottom”).
*Requested secrecy for his wrongful actions.
*Admitted his wrongful actions (pinching and crude words) to the victim, but refused to apologized.
*Had been sentenced to mandatory therapy for his previously committed sexual assault.
*Confront the victim at a later date when requested not to.
So, in our story, the victim suffers many injustices:
*The assault.
*Rejection of help from the organization that sponsored the retreat where the assault took place.
*Rejection of help from Safe Church.
*While it is commendable that the minister’s credentialing churches investigated the incident, the process was done poorly with little care and attention to the victim; the emphasis appears to be on the abuser.
*When the investigation did involve the victim, reconciliation was considered the first step. While reconciliation can be part of the process of justice, it is one of the last steps.
*While the minister admitted his wrongful conduct, he would not apologize.
*The recommended punishment (two-year suspension) was never implemented.
*The victim only discovered on her own that the punishment was never implemented.
*The victim graciously asserted that she did not “think it was my place to prevent his attending” the retreat, but with the stipulation that “he understood that there should not be contact with” her; then this minister actually confronts her for a handshake at a later retreat.
Godly “men know that women are made in the image of God and deserving of dignity and respect—they are image bearers. This is how God desires our world to operate; as the Bible relates at the very beginning in the book of Genesis, “So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27 NIV)” (Act Like Men, part 3: Men Treat Women with Respect; Christianity Today; 20 October 2014).
May God be glorified in all we do.
Shalom.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Both secular legal and the church systems get judgements wrong – OJ Simpson was found not guilty by a jury of his peers and, more recently, Willow Creek admitted to mishandling abuse allegations. A Christianity Today article details how Willow Creek (WC) is coming to terms “with the areas of our hearts, minds, and souls that blinded us to the pain and suffering of the women and their advocates. We ask forgiveness from God, our congregation, the women, their advocates, and those who have been calling us to repent” (WC elder Missy Rasmussen).
As intended, and rightly so, this S.O.S. article and discussion has focused on one woman’s story. My prayer for her is that, while her healing journey has been long and hard, she may be free from the trauma caused by this situation of abuse. May she find someone who can walk alongside her so her journey is not alone. For the rest of us, my hope and prayer is that the discussion has prompted some soul searching for all of us as we seek to honor God and the dignity of every other person created in His image in everything we do. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. “Ultimately this church is in God’s hands. … Please know that I am not giving up on this church. Most importantly, God is not giving up on this church. He created it. He has always been faithful to it (WC pastor Heather Larson).
In closing, I echo WC elder Missy Rasmussen, “we want to be the kind of church God is calling us to be. “A church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.”
Link to CT article: https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2018/august/willow-creek-bill-hybels-heather-larson-elders-resign-inves.html