Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.”While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church - Authors Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse - Author Ruth Tucker
The Cry of Tamar - Author Pamela Cooper-White
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know. - Author Al Miles
Family and Friend's Guide to Domestic Violence - Author Elaine Weiss
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women - Author Susan Brewster
Is It My Fault: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering. - Authors Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb
Man Enough - Author Frank Pittman, MD
Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis. - Authors Brenda Branson & Paula J. Silvia
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
Rev. Gelwicks; It is my hope that you will be open to my thoughts regarding your commentary.
Grab a cup of coffee – or two for this long one. ;)
First, I believe that your severity of crime with corresponding degrees of punishment examples (theft and assault crimes) need further examination.
Let me explain.
Your second paragraph argues that “the punishment sought by this women was not comparable to the wrong that was committed by this pastor.” You go on to compare the degrees of theft (petty to grand theft) to the degrees of sexual assault (pinching to rape). Your words lead me to believe then that you believe the minister in question did commit a crime worthy of punishment. I use the word crime because of your theft/sexual assault analogy.
Then regarding punishment and staying with your analogy, law enforcement will also consider the number of previous thefts or assaults. Looking back at our story, the minister in question “had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. Only because of the current #MeToo movement have women been breaking their silence. Expert Lundy Bancroft, the counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, believes based on professional experience that an abuser can change, but most don’t. Bancroft tells us about specific signs which can indicate whether an abuser has changed; there are:
Admitting fully to what he has done.
Stopping excuse-making.
Making amends.
Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice.
Demonstrating respectful, kind and supportive behaviors.
Changing how they respond to the victim’s anger and grievances.
The minister in this story appears to have done none of these.
Also, we do not know what type of sexually inappropriate behavior he previously committed; was it petty theft/pinching, grand theft/rape, or something in between? Looking even more closely, this minister not only committed a previous crime of sexual assault, he also committed blackmail.
Second, your “shoe on the other foot” needs further analysis.
Let me explain.
Your third paragraph, I believe, is based on your assumptions. You state that “very few men (including pastors) would consider this as sexual harassment.” How many men did you ask? How many of those men are pastors? I did survey one man (my husband, who is not a minister) about your hypothetical situation, and he replied that he would feel it very inappropriate if, especially in a CRC public setting, a woman pinched his bottom and said, “nice hiney.” He would not find it humorous, and actually “would wonder what drugs she was on.” One must be very careful when assuming how others might feel and act, much less making broad gender-based statements based on those assumptions.
Viewing the pinch and whisper as light-hearted humor is very dangerous. The victim had no idea of the intent of the minister. How could you or anyone know he intended his pinch and crude words as humor? The minister’s request for secrecy the next day does not indicate any kind of humor at all. As MJill H, in her comment above, so astutely observes, humor does not clothe itself in whispers and vows of secrecy.
Your fourth paragraph contains more assumptions and a puzzling statement.
Let me explain.
How could you or anyone know that “this pastor thought he knew his audience (this woman) for a variety of possible reasons?” How could you or anyone know “he intended [it] as light hearted humor? How could you or anyone know this pastor did not have “any designs on this woman sexually?”
Your last sentence in this paragraph is indeed troubling to me: First, I find no evidence in the story that the victim “was going for his throat.” No where do I read that she was seeking any specific punishment; I only inferred that she was seeking justice of a wrong committed against her. Secondly, the last part of this sentence can only be an assumption that the minister intended his pinch and whispered crude words as humor.
Your fifth paragraph causes more puzzlement for me.
Let me explain.
You state the “fact that he would not apologize reinforces his position;” can one then apply this same rational to other wrongs? If the petty thief, the grand larcener, the groper, or the rapist will not apologize, does that just “reinforce his position?” You then write that “he would not admit to sexual harassment (her accusation), but only to an intended humor;” I see nothing in the story that matches that statement. The story does indicate that the day after the incident, the minister confesses to the victim when confronted, and later at a meeting with others investigating the incident, he stated that “She is accurate but I will never ask for her forgiveness.” You also mention that “the fact that the elders did not likely consider this incident to involve serious sexual harassment, they were willing to review the proposed course of action and reduce the charges.” This statement suggests a greater knowledge of the incident than the story allows the rest of us readers. What is further injurious to the victim is that she was “informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials” and then later discovered on her own that the minister’s “credentials were never suspended.”
Finally, your last sentence lacks creditability.
Let me explain.
It is always the responsibility of pastors to maintain healthy boundaries in all of their relationships. Physical contact to someone’s “hiney”, whisper crude words, and blackmail by a anyone is always sinful behavior. Church leaders, those who act in the Lord’s name, must be held to a high standard. Abusive/assaultive behavior by a pastor reveals a misuse of the power and position entrusted to him.
It is disrespectful; “abuse and respect are diametric opposites – you do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.” (Lundy Bancroft; Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)
It does not honor God who commands us to “treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (I Timothy 5:1a - 2).
It does not honor the women who bear the divine image.
So, in our story, here is a minister, someone who should be held to a higher standard, who has:
*Committed at least one other crime of sexual assault of unknown degree in the past.
*Committed a crime of blackmail to cover up the sexual assault.
*Was required to undergo therapy because of the sexual assault and blackmail.
*Committed another sexual assault crime (“pinching this woman on the bottom”).
*Requested secrecy for his wrongful actions.
*Admitted his wrongful actions (pinching and crude words) to the victim, but refused to apologized.
*Had been sentenced to mandatory therapy for his previously committed sexual assault.
*Confront the victim at a later date when requested not to.
So, in our story, the victim suffers many injustices:
*The assault.
*Rejection of help from the organization that sponsored the retreat where the assault took place.
*Rejection of help from Safe Church.
*While it is commendable that the minister’s credentialing churches investigated the incident, the process was done poorly with little care and attention to the victim; the emphasis appears to be on the abuser.
*When the investigation did involve the victim, reconciliation was considered the first step. While reconciliation can be part of the process of justice, it is one of the last steps.
*While the minister admitted his wrongful conduct, he would not apologize.
*The recommended punishment (two-year suspension) was never implemented.
*The victim only discovered on her own that the punishment was never implemented.
*The victim graciously asserted that she did not “think it was my place to prevent his attending” the retreat, but with the stipulation that “he understood that there should not be contact with” her; then this minister actually confronts her for a handshake at a later retreat.
Godly “men know that women are made in the image of God and deserving of dignity and respect—they are image bearers. This is how God desires our world to operate; as the Bible relates at the very beginning in the book of Genesis, “So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27 NIV)” (Act Like Men, part 3: Men Treat Women with Respect; Christianity Today; 20 October 2014).
Both secular legal and the church systems get judgements wrong – OJ Simpson was found not guilty by a jury of his peers and, more recently, Willow Creek admitted to mishandling abuse allegations. A Christianity Today article details how Willow Creek (WC) is coming to terms “with the areas of our hearts, minds, and souls that blinded us to the pain and suffering of the women and their advocates. We ask forgiveness from God, our congregation, the women, their advocates, and those who have been calling us to repent” (WC elder Missy Rasmussen).
As intended, and rightly so, this S.O.S. article and discussion has focused on one woman’s story. My prayer for her is that, while her healing journey has been long and hard, she may be free from the trauma caused by this situation of abuse. May she find someone who can walk alongside her so her journey is not alone. For the rest of us, my hope and prayer is that the discussion has prompted some soul searching for all of us as we seek to honor God and the dignity of every other person created in His image in everything we do. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. “Ultimately this church is in God’s hands. … Please know that I am not giving up on this church. Most importantly, God is not giving up on this church. He created it. He has always been faithful to it (WC pastor Heather Larson).
In closing, I echo WC elder Missy Rasmussen, “we want to be the kind of church God is calling us to be. “A church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.”
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Rev. Gelwicks; It is my hope that you will be open to my thoughts regarding your commentary.
Grab a cup of coffee – or two for this long one. ;)
First, I believe that your severity of crime with corresponding degrees of punishment examples (theft and assault crimes) need further examination.
Let me explain.
Your second paragraph argues that “the punishment sought by this women was not comparable to the wrong that was committed by this pastor.” You go on to compare the degrees of theft (petty to grand theft) to the degrees of sexual assault (pinching to rape). Your words lead me to believe then that you believe the minister in question did commit a crime worthy of punishment. I use the word crime because of your theft/sexual assault analogy.
Then regarding punishment and staying with your analogy, law enforcement will also consider the number of previous thefts or assaults. Looking back at our story, the minister in question “had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. Only because of the current #MeToo movement have women been breaking their silence. Expert Lundy Bancroft, the counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, believes based on professional experience that an abuser can change, but most don’t. Bancroft tells us about specific signs which can indicate whether an abuser has changed; there are:
The minister in this story appears to have done none of these.
Also, we do not know what type of sexually inappropriate behavior he previously committed; was it petty theft/pinching, grand theft/rape, or something in between? Looking even more closely, this minister not only committed a previous crime of sexual assault, he also committed blackmail.
Second, your “shoe on the other foot” needs further analysis.
Let me explain.
Your third paragraph, I believe, is based on your assumptions. You state that “very few men (including pastors) would consider this as sexual harassment.” How many men did you ask? How many of those men are pastors? I did survey one man (my husband, who is not a minister) about your hypothetical situation, and he replied that he would feel it very inappropriate if, especially in a CRC public setting, a woman pinched his bottom and said, “nice hiney.” He would not find it humorous, and actually “would wonder what drugs she was on.” One must be very careful when assuming how others might feel and act, much less making broad gender-based statements based on those assumptions.
Viewing the pinch and whisper as light-hearted humor is very dangerous. The victim had no idea of the intent of the minister. How could you or anyone know he intended his pinch and crude words as humor? The minister’s request for secrecy the next day does not indicate any kind of humor at all. As MJill H, in her comment above, so astutely observes, humor does not clothe itself in whispers and vows of secrecy.
Your fourth paragraph contains more assumptions and a puzzling statement.
Let me explain.
How could you or anyone know that “this pastor thought he knew his audience (this woman) for a variety of possible reasons?” How could you or anyone know “he intended [it] as light hearted humor? How could you or anyone know this pastor did not have “any designs on this woman sexually?”
Your last sentence in this paragraph is indeed troubling to me: First, I find no evidence in the story that the victim “was going for his throat.” No where do I read that she was seeking any specific punishment; I only inferred that she was seeking justice of a wrong committed against her. Secondly, the last part of this sentence can only be an assumption that the minister intended his pinch and whispered crude words as humor.
Your fifth paragraph causes more puzzlement for me.
Let me explain.
You state the “fact that he would not apologize reinforces his position;” can one then apply this same rational to other wrongs? If the petty thief, the grand larcener, the groper, or the rapist will not apologize, does that just “reinforce his position?” You then write that “he would not admit to sexual harassment (her accusation), but only to an intended humor;” I see nothing in the story that matches that statement. The story does indicate that the day after the incident, the minister confesses to the victim when confronted, and later at a meeting with others investigating the incident, he stated that “She is accurate but I will never ask for her forgiveness.” You also mention that “the fact that the elders did not likely consider this incident to involve serious sexual harassment, they were willing to review the proposed course of action and reduce the charges.” This statement suggests a greater knowledge of the incident than the story allows the rest of us readers. What is further injurious to the victim is that she was “informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials” and then later discovered on her own that the minister’s “credentials were never suspended.”
Finally, your last sentence lacks creditability.
Let me explain.
It is always the responsibility of pastors to maintain healthy boundaries in all of their relationships. Physical contact to someone’s “hiney”, whisper crude words, and blackmail by a anyone is always sinful behavior. Church leaders, those who act in the Lord’s name, must be held to a high standard. Abusive/assaultive behavior by a pastor reveals a misuse of the power and position entrusted to him.
It is disrespectful; “abuse and respect are diametric opposites – you do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.” (Lundy Bancroft; Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)
It does not honor God who commands us to “treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (I Timothy 5:1a - 2).
It does not honor the women who bear the divine image.
So, in our story, here is a minister, someone who should be held to a higher standard, who has:
*Committed at least one other crime of sexual assault of unknown degree in the past.
*Committed a crime of blackmail to cover up the sexual assault.
*Was required to undergo therapy because of the sexual assault and blackmail.
*Committed another sexual assault crime (“pinching this woman on the bottom”).
*Requested secrecy for his wrongful actions.
*Admitted his wrongful actions (pinching and crude words) to the victim, but refused to apologized.
*Had been sentenced to mandatory therapy for his previously committed sexual assault.
*Confront the victim at a later date when requested not to.
So, in our story, the victim suffers many injustices:
*The assault.
*Rejection of help from the organization that sponsored the retreat where the assault took place.
*Rejection of help from Safe Church.
*While it is commendable that the minister’s credentialing churches investigated the incident, the process was done poorly with little care and attention to the victim; the emphasis appears to be on the abuser.
*When the investigation did involve the victim, reconciliation was considered the first step. While reconciliation can be part of the process of justice, it is one of the last steps.
*While the minister admitted his wrongful conduct, he would not apologize.
*The recommended punishment (two-year suspension) was never implemented.
*The victim only discovered on her own that the punishment was never implemented.
*The victim graciously asserted that she did not “think it was my place to prevent his attending” the retreat, but with the stipulation that “he understood that there should not be contact with” her; then this minister actually confronts her for a handshake at a later retreat.
Godly “men know that women are made in the image of God and deserving of dignity and respect—they are image bearers. This is how God desires our world to operate; as the Bible relates at the very beginning in the book of Genesis, “So God created man in His own image; He created him in the image of God; He created them male and female” (Genesis 1:27 NIV)” (Act Like Men, part 3: Men Treat Women with Respect; Christianity Today; 20 October 2014).
May God be glorified in all we do.
Shalom.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Both secular legal and the church systems get judgements wrong – OJ Simpson was found not guilty by a jury of his peers and, more recently, Willow Creek admitted to mishandling abuse allegations. A Christianity Today article details how Willow Creek (WC) is coming to terms “with the areas of our hearts, minds, and souls that blinded us to the pain and suffering of the women and their advocates. We ask forgiveness from God, our congregation, the women, their advocates, and those who have been calling us to repent” (WC elder Missy Rasmussen).
As intended, and rightly so, this S.O.S. article and discussion has focused on one woman’s story. My prayer for her is that, while her healing journey has been long and hard, she may be free from the trauma caused by this situation of abuse. May she find someone who can walk alongside her so her journey is not alone. For the rest of us, my hope and prayer is that the discussion has prompted some soul searching for all of us as we seek to honor God and the dignity of every other person created in His image in everything we do. May what we do individually and collectively as the church always glorify God and advance His Kingdom here on earth. For that we are deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power. “Ultimately this church is in God’s hands. … Please know that I am not giving up on this church. Most importantly, God is not giving up on this church. He created it. He has always been faithful to it (WC pastor Heather Larson).
In closing, I echo WC elder Missy Rasmussen, “we want to be the kind of church God is calling us to be. “A church that learns lessons, grows through healing … and demonstrates the love of Christ.”
Link to CT article: https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2018/august/willow-creek-bill-hybels-heather-larson-elders-resign-inves.html
Posted in: S.O.S. Amy's Story
AMEN sister!
Posted in: Responding to Abuse Toolkit: Grooming
Sadly, the story you tell is far too common.
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
Recently, the Network posted an article titled Domestic Abuse: Where is the Church? You can read more information there.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
Posted in: Training for Volunteers Working With Children at Church and Local School?
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Posted in: Best Materials to Give Overview of Safe Church?
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
*Safe Church brochure (short, precise, colorful, and FREE)
Shalom
Posted in: Church Safety Video?
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Our world is a scary place.
Posted in: New Director, Amanda Benckhuysen: "Why I Want to Work With Safe Church Ministry"
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Shalom.
Posted in: Considering Trees, Mycorrhiza and Safe Church Ministry: A Holistic Culture of Thriving Connections
Amen sister and brother in Christ!
Posted in: Welcoming Dr. Amanda Benkhuysen as Director of Safe Church Ministry
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.