Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.”While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church - Authors Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse - Author Ruth Tucker
The Cry of Tamar - Author Pamela Cooper-White
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know. - Author Al Miles
Family and Friend's Guide to Domestic Violence - Author Elaine Weiss
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women - Author Susan Brewster
Is It My Fault: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering. - Authors Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb
Man Enough - Author Frank Pittman, MD
Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis. - Authors Brenda Branson & Paula J. Silvia
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.
It takes such courage to tell a story such as yours. Thank you for sharing; it helps us to understand what how harmful abuse is and how we can support those who suffer abuse.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
MJill H: Thank you for letting know what was helpful to you. Your words will guide me as I work with our church's Safe Church Team.
Shalom.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
You were incredibly brave by taking all the steps you did when the incident happened. I am sorry that so many, especially those in positions of authority, failed you in your time of need; I imagine that only added to your pain.
You are incredibly brave to publicly share your story and your pain. Aside from the importance of making others aware that abusers come in every personality type and professions, I hope that by sharing you will find a bit more peace.
Therapy rarely works for those who abuse. I am not surprised that it, especially mandated therapy, was not successful for your abuser. In his groundbreaking bestseller Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men— points out that he has “never seen a client make a serious effort to confront his abusiveness unless somebody required him to do the work. The abuser who truly enters counseling voluntarily, with no one holding anything over his head, quits within a few sessions, unless he finds a counselor he can manipulate.” Very insightful is Bancroft's comment that “Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.”
I am saddened, but not surprised that your abuser would never ask for your forgiveness. His perceptions of his responsibility are distorted; he did nothing wrong. If he was ready to accept responsibility for his actions, he would have been apologetic.
Thank you for your courage, and I admire your resilience. My God continue to grant you the peace that only He can give.
Posted in: S.O.S. Amy's Story
AMEN sister!
Posted in: Responding to Abuse Toolkit: Grooming
Sadly, the story you tell is far too common.
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
Recently, the Network posted an article titled Domestic Abuse: Where is the Church? You can read more information there.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
Posted in: Training for Volunteers Working With Children at Church and Local School?
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Posted in: Best Materials to Give Overview of Safe Church?
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
*Safe Church brochure (short, precise, colorful, and FREE)
Shalom
Posted in: Church Safety Video?
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Our world is a scary place.
Posted in: New Director, Amanda Benckhuysen: "Why I Want to Work With Safe Church Ministry"
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Shalom.
Posted in: Considering Trees, Mycorrhiza and Safe Church Ministry: A Holistic Culture of Thriving Connections
Amen sister and brother in Christ!
Posted in: Welcoming Dr. Amanda Benkhuysen as Director of Safe Church Ministry
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.
Posted in: S.O.S. Part 2: My Journey of Recognizing, Remembering, and Processing Abuse
It takes such courage to tell a story such as yours. Thank you for sharing; it helps us to understand what how harmful abuse is and how we can support those who suffer abuse.