MJill H: Thank you for your courage in relating the pain you experienced as a result of how others responded to you in your own abuse. I congratulate you on the hard work you did to come to peace and healing and your ability to forgive. Too many women suffer in silence, but when they do come forward, there are messages that the church can uniquely give – you are loved by God; you do not deserve to be abused; God is moving in your life to bring you liberation and joy; you are not alone, not only is God with you, but we, as people of God in the church, are sensitive, supportive, and ready to walk beside you ....
Abusers are often manipulative, and can be effective in triangulating church staff and elders to remove accountability from their actions. It is important that above all, the church continues to hold abusers accountable, which in no way removes its ability to see them still as children of God.
In support of this woman's story is the fact that this particular minister was a serial abuser. The elders who evaluated the situation appear to be derelict in not taking that fact into account.
May you feel God's tender hand and everlasting love in your life .....
Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.”While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
A Cry for Justice: How the Evil of Domestic Abuse Hides in your Church - Authors Jeff Crippen & Anna Wood
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse - Author Ruth Tucker
The Cry of Tamar - Author Pamela Cooper-White
Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know. - Author Al Miles
Family and Friend's Guide to Domestic Violence - Author Elaine Weiss
Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women - Author Susan Brewster
Is It My Fault: Hope and Healing for Those Suffering. - Authors Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb
Man Enough - Author Frank Pittman, MD
Violence Among Us: Ministry to Families in Crisis. - Authors Brenda Branson & Paula J. Silvia
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.
It takes such courage to tell a story such as yours. Thank you for sharing; it helps us to understand what how harmful abuse is and how we can support those who suffer abuse.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
MJill H: Thank you for your courage in relating the pain you experienced as a result of how others responded to you in your own abuse. I congratulate you on the hard work you did to come to peace and healing and your ability to forgive. Too many women suffer in silence, but when they do come forward, there are messages that the church can uniquely give – you are loved by God; you do not deserve to be abused; God is moving in your life to bring you liberation and joy; you are not alone, not only is God with you, but we, as people of God in the church, are sensitive, supportive, and ready to walk beside you ....
Abusers are often manipulative, and can be effective in triangulating church staff and elders to remove accountability from their actions. It is important that above all, the church continues to hold abusers accountable, which in no way removes its ability to see them still as children of God.
In support of this woman's story is the fact that this particular minister was a serial abuser. The elders who evaluated the situation appear to be derelict in not taking that fact into account.
May you feel God's tender hand and everlasting love in your life .....
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
MJill H: Thank you for letting know what was helpful to you. Your words will guide me as I work with our church's Safe Church Team.
Shalom.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Rev. Gelwicks: MJill H's abuse was not "perceived", it was "suffered." Attempting to minimize abuse is hurtful to the victim especially when done by a pastor who should know better how to minister to those who are hurting. The abuse was real, not perceived. I think you might benefit from reading some books on abuse. I will list some very good ones at the end of this post. I highly recommend the book titled "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men. You would find insights into why men abuse, and also how to respond to victims. In fact, I will purchase it for you, and mail it to you; it is that good. Let me know if you want it, and somehow I will get it to you. I have recommended it to elders, pastors, and others who deal victims and abusers; the feedback has been tremendous. Although I have not yet read it, there is a book titled "Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know" by Al Miles that is addressed specifically to pastors.
I consider myself a life-long learner, and as I just today learned from MJill H, ministering to abuse victims and abusers is different. I am so thankful to her for providing me with some helpful ways and comments for ministering to abuse victims.
What does puzzle me is that even though this fact has been repeated throughout this blog post, you have yet to address the fact that this minister "had a previous incident wherein he had blackmailed a woman with money to keep quiet about sexually inappropriate behavior with her.” While there is no indication of any other assaults by this minister, we do not know if there were any others. This brave survivor also mentions in her post that "I was contacted several weeks later and informed that the committee recommended a two year suspension of his ministerial credentials." So yes, initially, a committee found him guilty of something including blackmail that warranted a two-year suspension of his credentials.
Maybe a better question and line of discussion is why this minister still had his ministerial credentials after previous sexually-deviant behavior and blackmail (!) that resulted in mandatory counseling. It would help me to understand your perspective if you would address that past behavior, mandatory counseling, and the pattern of abuse.
Respectfully, Jane Elzinga
Great books to read:
Posted in: S.O.S. Amy's Story
AMEN sister!
Posted in: Responding to Abuse Toolkit: Grooming
Sadly, the story you tell is far too common.
I would encourage you to contact Safe Haven Ministries. This Grand Rapids faith-based organization has a mission to end domestic abuse. They understand how difficult it can be to support a victim of domestic abuse/violence, and the important role the church plays in supporting those affected by this type of abuse/violence. Just as your story noted, survivors of domestic violence are more likely to disclose their experience with abuse to pastors and ministry leaders than any other helping profession.
Motivated by their mission, Safe Haven offers help and guidance to individuals, and they offer a one day Domestic Violence Church Certification Program. In February, twelve of our church members (including ministerial staff, youth leaders, and LiveSafe team members) attended this training. Participation in this certification program provided our church members with comprehensive domestic violence training, the opportunity to develop policies and procedures on how to respond if someone in the congregation or staff is a victim or perpetrator of domestic violence, and ongoing support. We were joined by two other churches. Currently, we are finalizing the comprehensive domestic abuse/violence response plan tailor-made for our church at that training.
Recently, the Network posted an article titled Domestic Abuse: Where is the Church? You can read more information there.
We were all impressed with the quality of this training and the professionalism and expertise of the Safe Haven staff. Our churches need to recognize domestic violence in all its many forms and have the ability to respond appropriately. This training is offered to any church, and we heartily recommend that more of churches avail themselves of this very worthwhile program.
Posted in: Training for Volunteers Working With Children at Church and Local School?
While not specifically related to your inquiry, I would recommend Circle of Grace as a part of your youth curriculum. Circle of Grace is a Christian safe environment curriculum that helps teach the value of positive relationships with God and others. You can find out more at this Network Circle of Grace Preview article.
Posted in: Best Materials to Give Overview of Safe Church?
Congratulations on your new position as a Safe Church classis coordinator; it is my hope and prayer that your work will bear fruit within the churches in your classis.
The CRC Safe Church Ministries has a webpage titled About Safe Church Ministry. You can find many resources there. These might be what you are looking for:
*Safe Church Ministry: A Church Leader's Role:A user-friendly guide to what you need to know about Safe Church Ministry, including information about the dynamics of abuse, the harm done, the needs of those who have been affected, and helpful ways to respond. (long-ish 16 pages)
*Safe Church brochure (short, precise, colorful, and FREE)
Shalom
Posted in: Church Safety Video?
Great video for church leaders with wonderful suggestions for policy and procedures. Thank you.
I would like to recommend Safe Haven's Church Certification Program (http://safehavenministries.org/certification/) if you are interested in help creating policies and procedures specific to your church. While mostly directed at domestic violence, Safe Haven has many available resources.
Our world is a scary place.
Posted in: New Director, Amanda Benckhuysen: "Why I Want to Work With Safe Church Ministry"
Amanda: Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many of us are drawn to this work because we have been touched by abuse in some way. I am excited to be able to work with you in this very important area. May God bless our efforts, and touch the hearts of both the victims and the perpetrators.
Shalom.
Posted in: Considering Trees, Mycorrhiza and Safe Church Ministry: A Holistic Culture of Thriving Connections
Amen sister and brother in Christ!
Posted in: Welcoming Dr. Amanda Benkhuysen as Director of Safe Church Ministry
Reflecting on our charge to care for the least of these, I think of who Jesus is so vehemently protecting in Matthew 18:6-7. The word little in that passage refers to more than size or age; little one means any of lesser status - persons without power or persons dependent on others. I am convinced that God will use you, Dr. Benkhuysen, to help care for the least of these. I will pray that He will be honored and glorified in your work, and that the dignity of every person created in His image be un-spoiled. May we all be deeply dependent on God’s wisdom, strength, and transforming power in our work.
Posted in: S.O.S. Part 2: My Journey of Recognizing, Remembering, and Processing Abuse
It takes such courage to tell a story such as yours. Thank you for sharing; it helps us to understand what how harmful abuse is and how we can support those who suffer abuse.