Lesli van Milligen

Thanks for your comment, Sandra.    I can understand the feeling of being somewhat forced to "ghost".   We moved to a new church community right after our children left for university and quickly found out that middle aged folks are not usually looking for new friends. Their relational capacity is often taken up with family obligations and friends that they have had for years previous to our arrival.   We also realized that we lost our "ticket in" once our children left the nest.  Furthermore, we left a relationally rich communal life (both in our neighbourhood and in our church fellowship) to a fairly shallow relational pool, so our need was perhaps higher than usual.  We barely knew our new neighbours after 4 years and had few invitations  into the communal life of our new church and we were the pastors.  All this to say that it takes a great deal of intentional work on all sides to push back against ghosting.  It is hard work and probably work that neither congregation nor individuals have actually trained for-hence the suggestions for church strategies in my blog.  Life gives us ice cream socials almost until we are 21 and then it's up to us to create our own social connections and gatherings.  For some it is just too daunting and with the nomadic lifestyles many of us lead, it hardly seems worth it if we will be transferred again in a year or two.  So again, it will take work on everyone's part to address this challenge.

The first step for congregations is to be aware of the ghosts in their orbits.  They also need to be aware that there are different types of folks inhabiting the peripheral margins and they will need different types of attention and engagement.  Visitors who are looking to join have different needs from those who were once engaged members and have drifted away.  So maybe connecting the ghosts could work, but I think that making pathways into life together clearer and more robust will probably better serve.  My husband and I tried to connect those who lived on the edges of the congregation to each other, but without stronger pathways we became the sole hub for connection and that was not sustainable.  

I wonder if using the 4 Building Blocks of Faith as lenses for looking at a new community might be helpful?  1) Does this new church help me grow in my knowledge of God's story and help me find my place in God's ever unfolding story? Are there Bible Studies or prayer groups that are available for people to join? 2) Does this church support me in identifying and living out my calling offering and including me in service and ministry opportunities?  3) Does this congregation support hope by sharing stories of how God is working in the lives of the people of the church and do they extend this hope into their surrounding community?  4) Do I know that I belong to Christ and does this fellowship welcome and embrace me as a fellow Christ-follower by outlining pathways into belonging and contributing to the body?  Would having positive answers to questions 1-3 help sustain you when the answer to number 4 is at best a maybe?  I wonder if this might be a good template for talking to the pastor or elder about your desires to engage?

I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty about your frustrations and hopeful desires for something better.  I pray that God will lead you and your husband to that place and that the journey will help you to be the change you want to see once you find a new church home.

Thanks for your feedback, Mark.  I hear what  you are saying and I will have to give this some thought.  Words matter.   I do resonate with the idea of opportunity for the whole congregation to grow in its understanding of what it means to be community.

Thanks for sharing about what you are doing in your ministry, Albert.  It shows a sensitivity to your students.