Rich DeVries

Here are two resources (pdf docs) from the Christian legal organization, Alliance Defence Fund, that are very helpful.

http://www.speakupmovement.org/Church/Content/userfiles/Resources/church_seven_bylaws.pdf

http://www.speakupmovement.org/church/content/userfiles/Church_suggestedByLaw_Language-v2.pdf

I experienced something similar when going through divorce.  Initially the church was tremendously gracious and understanding, providing financial resources and time off for counseling.  But neither they nor I knew what to expect when it came to "healing."  I think we all expected that, eventually, everything would go back "to the way things were before" but we had no understanding of what that really looked like, how long it would take to get there and what the challenges would be along the way.

Divorce, like the death of a spouse, means that a person of significance in your life is now missing.  All the qualities they brought to the relationship -- balancing/complementing you, giving a listening and discerning perspective, etc. -- are gone.  This is only complicated when children are involved and what that brings to grieving process.  Add to that issues of depression, loneliness, the necessity of returning to work -- emotionally healthy or not -- because there are no other sources of income or no other call on the horizon, ... the list goes on.

It made me understand -- often painfully -- that there are many facets to pastoral relationships.  People that I considered more than parishioners, indeed friends, often vacated that relationship.  More often than not, instead of leaning into one another’s pain, we ignore it or walk away; understandable, but tragic, none-the-less.  Elders that I thought would be able to "pastor the pastor," and pastor my family, were ill prepared and perhaps ill equipped, to handle the crisis.  Trying to be a “wounded healer,” is only something I am marginally capable of doing now, many years later, but clearly was incapable of doing at the time.

For me, denominational resources were less than beneficial.  They did indeed bring to the surface underlying issues for both me and the church, but offered little guidance for addressing those issues. 

Praise the Lord for Cursillo, for faithful prayer partners, and for fellow pastors who walked a long Emmaus Road with me until I was again able to see Jesus. 

I don’t say this with any malice toward anyone involved.  I realize how difficult this was for everyone involved.  It does assure me that there is more that needs to be done, as your post suggests.

Chelwood has always had a heart for ministry! Koodoos!