To Kimberly - I do training and workshops for church leaders, pastors, and pew members. If you can find a way to contact me, I can explain more. I have a pastor's letter of recommendation.
Maybe the Network needs to consider having a posting of members who do training and on what topics. Church leaders can then view the list to determine if any of them are a fit for what they need.
Pastors who are addicted to pornography are out of ministry. They have violated their role as pastor, lost their integrity, and are deceptive. They have deep-rooted childhood issues and think they can do both: stand on the pulpit and live out their dark side all at the same time. This is hypocrisy.
Of course, they want their confidentiality, keep their employment, and blame the church by calling it “shooting the wounded.” But that is the hard part of dealing with porn addicts: they blame, deny, avoid, and think they are “special.” Their narcissism can drive any elder board and congregation crazy.
The CRC leadership of our churches does not know enough about porn addicts and how they operate. After having done a 42-page research project on this subject– and having worked as a therapist for many wives whose husbands are porn addicts, having helped two church elder boards address their CRC porn pastors, and having interviewed Mark Laaser (a recovering porn addict – former pastor and therapist – and nationally- known guru in this field) it’s clear that the CRC has to be open and clear about who a porn addict is and what needs to be done when thier church has one employed. - namely - he's out of ministry and require him to get professional, intensive help.
When dismissing a porn pastor from church employment, the church has done the most loving thing for him. Now the pastor has to face his issues – because his sin in public, he lost his job, and he will be forced to get the help he needs.
This is not about keeping their sin silent. That is more protection for them. Pastors need to come forward and admit their sin and resign. For those who don’t, all the more they display their dysfunction and violation of call of a sacred office.
This is NOT a Safe Church issue.
The comment about hypocrisy – basically says to me “we’re all hypocrites – so it doesn’t hurt for the pastor to be one too” is again protection for pastors in their defilement of office by their sin of pornography. Pastors are to be held at a higher level of conduct. If a pastor thinks he has to continue his pornography, then he needs to go be a banker.
What I’ve seen (and have been involved in two cases ) – are church leaders dealing with it when it comes forward in their congregation - one well and one sloppy.
In a church I know well, the council (to all the credit of that council when their pastor came forward and admitted to pornography) bought books on pornography, called various agencies and offices that helped them understand this, shared books and discussed these books in council meetings – consulted with professionals – all in an effort to understand what the porn pastor is about – and what they should do. Although over time – after many months the pastor was released from the congregation – then after several years dismissed from CRC ministry – it remains a sad story for him and his family – but one where the pastor did get the help he needed and a story where the church pastored the pastor more than the pastor pastored the church.
The other case is about a cover up. It’s sad because spiritual abuse continues in that congregation – along with much confusion and hurt for many.
This is a serious subject. Most CRC in my opinion are clueless about what sexual addiction is about or what to do when pastors are addicted. More education is needed – and we as members need to accept the truth about how pornography is prevalent – and a problem - among the CRC pastors.
SEveral of these books are written from a Christian persepctive - these books are supported with what God's Word speaks about. M. Laaser is a recovering sexual addict - did prostitution, porn, and other - while being a pastor and therapist. After getting professinal help, he started his clinic - faith based- where CRC pastors go - to help pastors work towards recovery from sexual addiction.
But what if a person interprets the BIble to say what he/she wants it to say? Many have a verse and text that support any sin they want to do. They keep twistng it - so they are off the hook about wrong doing.
Is your nose in the BIble - your only interpretation - for what the Bible is saying?
If so, skip church - get rid of the pastor, forget doctrine, throw out church leaders and teachers - because the only thing that counts is how you want to interpret what Scripture says.
It's risky when you become your own authority on what the BIble is saying.
I think some of the write - ins lack solid background into undersatnding this subject. There's also a posting that I recevied that you are not seeing on the post. ( I dont' know how that happened) in my opinion, protecting pornography = which I find a slack approach to this subject.
Sadly, pornography is more common within our CRC walls than we want to admit.
Pornography, being one of about seven or eight kinds of sexual addiction, is non-relational sex which is easily accessible and with little to no accountability. Rewarding themselves because they work so hard or because of boredom they begin to look for something to do, pastors turn to porn.
There is a nationwide/worldwide organization that developed a support group for those who struggle with sexual addiction. This group, called L.I.F.E. Ministries, International, uses a book written by Dr. Mark Laaser (A L.I.F.E. Guide) which tells how to structure and run the groups. Laaser was a pastor, and now owns and operates a clinic for sex addicts. The idea is similar to AA groups that meet nation/worldwide.
Leadership for classes may be more familiar about this subject than we think. Dealing with the addicted pastor is hard work. Prayers are much needed.
It would be helpful for me, in understanding what happened with the resignation of Rev. Jerry Dykstra, if the delegates of Synod 2011 would pose these questions to the BOT and encourage them to answer the questions as appropriate.
1. Before coming into the April 5 meeting, did the BOT plan on pressuring Jerry Dykstra to resign even before the meeting began?
If the answer is no, was the pressured resignation by the BOT based on how the meeting was going, on the emotional intensity of the involved parties, or about insubordination on Jerry’s behalf?
2. Were the BOT’s concerns about Jerry’s performance previously addressed and are there documents that show that both parties signed off in knowing exactly where performance levels were at and what needed to be changed?
3. Because of the significant impact this abrupt resignation has on our churches and the negative public exposure it caused, what prevented the BOT from working out an exiting process with Jerry so that the name of Christ and His Church could maintain the respect and honor it deserves?
4. Can it be said that Jerry was doing such a bad job, that the BOT could not keep Jerry on for one more day?
5. With respect for Jerry, our churches, and involved parties, how could have this matter been handled so that Jerry leaves the office feeling respected by the denomination he is a ordained pastor for and also feels that he was treated with dignity in the departure process?
6. If this is a matter of a judgment call made by the BOT, can’t a judgment call include a show that we do things with integrity and respect for Jerry?
7. If this matter is about “turf,” is pressuring the resignation of Jerry a respectable way of showing how to handle church leadership issues of power and control? And what if there are individuals/agencies/directors who remain that continue to push for their own need to control?
8. What prevented the BOT from keeping Jerry – and begin the process of restructuring the chain of command at 2850 - with him there? How does Jerry’s resignation solve a structure problem?
9. Are there other leaders – paid or volunteer – at the denominational building that need to be dismissed? How will that be addressed if there are?
As a member of this denomination, I want to be a good follower. Good followers are the ones who require accountability, responsibility, and answers from their leaders, especially when things don’t make sense. Good followers also have a responsibility under God not to just let leaders do what they want – but when necessary, require leadership to answer what happened, as much as allowed and is appropriate, to ensure that we together, leaders and followers, are doing right.
When good followers question leadership, leadership feels threatened and uneasy. That is good because that says the leaders’ power is held and contained by those they represent. That accountability prevents, hopefully, misuse of power by leaders and is a quicker assurance that their next step in leading will be carefully weighed.
Posted in: Can you provide a recommendation for retreat speakers or facilitators?
To Kimberly - I do training and workshops for church leaders, pastors, and pew members. If you can find a way to contact me, I can explain more. I have a pastor's letter of recommendation.
Posted in: Can you provide a recommendation for retreat speakers or facilitators?
Maybe the Network needs to consider having a posting of members who do training and on what topics. Church leaders can then view the list to determine if any of them are a fit for what they need.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
Pastors who are addicted to pornography are out of ministry. They have violated their role as pastor, lost their integrity, and are deceptive. They have deep-rooted childhood issues and think they can do both: stand on the pulpit and live out their dark side all at the same time. This is hypocrisy.
Of course, they want their confidentiality, keep their employment, and blame the church by calling it “shooting the wounded.” But that is the hard part of dealing with porn addicts: they blame, deny, avoid, and think they are “special.” Their narcissism can drive any elder board and congregation crazy.
The CRC leadership of our churches does not know enough about porn addicts and how they operate. After having done a 42-page research project on this subject– and having worked as a therapist for many wives whose husbands are porn addicts, having helped two church elder boards address their CRC porn pastors, and having interviewed Mark Laaser (a recovering porn addict – former pastor and therapist – and nationally- known guru in this field) it’s clear that the CRC has to be open and clear about who a porn addict is and what needs to be done when thier church has one employed. - namely - he's out of ministry and require him to get professional, intensive help.
When dismissing a porn pastor from church employment, the church has done the most loving thing for him. Now the pastor has to face his issues – because his sin in public, he lost his job, and he will be forced to get the help he needs.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
This is not about keeping their sin silent. That is more protection for them. Pastors need to come forward and admit their sin and resign. For those who don’t, all the more they display their dysfunction and violation of call of a sacred office.
This is NOT a Safe Church issue.
The comment about hypocrisy – basically says to me “we’re all hypocrites – so it doesn’t hurt for the pastor to be one too” is again protection for pastors in their defilement of office by their sin of pornography. Pastors are to be held at a higher level of conduct. If a pastor thinks he has to continue his pornography, then he needs to go be a banker.
What I’ve seen (and have been involved in two cases ) – are church leaders dealing with it when it comes forward in their congregation - one well and one sloppy.
In a church I know well, the council (to all the credit of that council when their pastor came forward and admitted to pornography) bought books on pornography, called various agencies and offices that helped them understand this, shared books and discussed these books in council meetings – consulted with professionals – all in an effort to understand what the porn pastor is about – and what they should do. Although over time – after many months the pastor was released from the congregation – then after several years dismissed from CRC ministry – it remains a sad story for him and his family – but one where the pastor did get the help he needed and a story where the church pastored the pastor more than the pastor pastored the church.
The other case is about a cover up. It’s sad because spiritual abuse continues in that congregation – along with much confusion and hurt for many.
This is a serious subject. Most CRC in my opinion are clueless about what sexual addiction is about or what to do when pastors are addicted. More education is needed – and we as members need to accept the truth about how pornography is prevalent – and a problem - among the CRC pastors.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
Start by reading these books:
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser.
Shattered Vows by Debbie Laaser.
THe Pornography Trap by Ralph H. Earle and Mark Laaser
Out of the Shadows Understandng Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, PH. D
Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-deception By; A. Twerski, M.D.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
SEveral of these books are written from a Christian persepctive - these books are supported with what God's Word speaks about. M. Laaser is a recovering sexual addict - did prostitution, porn, and other - while being a pastor and therapist. After getting professinal help, he started his clinic - faith based- where CRC pastors go - to help pastors work towards recovery from sexual addiction.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
But what if a person interprets the BIble to say what he/she wants it to say? Many have a verse and text that support any sin they want to do. They keep twistng it - so they are off the hook about wrong doing.
Is your nose in the BIble - your only interpretation - for what the Bible is saying?
If so, skip church - get rid of the pastor, forget doctrine, throw out church leaders and teachers - because the only thing that counts is how you want to interpret what Scripture says.
It's risky when you become your own authority on what the BIble is saying.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
I think some of the write - ins lack solid background into undersatnding this subject. There's also a posting that I recevied that you are not seeing on the post. ( I dont' know how that happened) in my opinion, protecting pornography = which I find a slack approach to this subject.
It's not hostile - maybe you're defensive.
Now I stop.
Posted in: A Support Group for Ministers Dealing With Pornography
Sadly, pornography is more common within our CRC walls than we want to admit.
Pornography, being one of about seven or eight kinds of sexual addiction, is non-relational sex which is easily accessible and with little to no accountability. Rewarding themselves because they work so hard or because of boredom they begin to look for something to do, pastors turn to porn.
There is a nationwide/worldwide organization that developed a support group for those who struggle with sexual addiction. This group, called L.I.F.E. Ministries, International, uses a book written by Dr. Mark Laaser (A L.I.F.E. Guide) which tells how to structure and run the groups. Laaser was a pastor, and now owns and operates a clinic for sex addicts. The idea is similar to AA groups that meet nation/worldwide.
Leadership for classes may be more familiar about this subject than we think. Dealing with the addicted pastor is hard work. Prayers are much needed.
Posted in: The 'Resignation' of Our Executive Director
It would be helpful for me, in understanding what happened with the resignation of Rev. Jerry Dykstra, if the delegates of Synod 2011 would pose these questions to the BOT and encourage them to answer the questions as appropriate.
1. Before coming into the April 5 meeting, did the BOT plan on pressuring Jerry Dykstra to resign even before the meeting began?
If the answer is no, was the pressured resignation by the BOT based on how the meeting was going, on the emotional intensity of the involved parties, or about insubordination on Jerry’s behalf?
2. Were the BOT’s concerns about Jerry’s performance previously addressed and are there documents that show that both parties signed off in knowing exactly where performance levels were at and what needed to be changed?
3. Because of the significant impact this abrupt resignation has on our churches and the negative public exposure it caused, what prevented the BOT from working out an exiting process with Jerry so that the name of Christ and His Church could maintain the respect and honor it deserves?
4. Can it be said that Jerry was doing such a bad job, that the BOT could not keep Jerry on for one more day?
5. With respect for Jerry, our churches, and involved parties, how could have this matter been handled so that Jerry leaves the office feeling respected by the denomination he is a ordained pastor for and also feels that he was treated with dignity in the departure process?
6. If this is a matter of a judgment call made by the BOT, can’t a judgment call include a show that we do things with integrity and respect for Jerry?
7. If this matter is about “turf,” is pressuring the resignation of Jerry a respectable way of showing how to handle church leadership issues of power and control? And what if there are individuals/agencies/directors who remain that continue to push for their own need to control?
8. What prevented the BOT from keeping Jerry – and begin the process of restructuring the chain of command at 2850 - with him there? How does Jerry’s resignation solve a structure problem?
9. Are there other leaders – paid or volunteer – at the denominational building that need to be dismissed? How will that be addressed if there are?
As a member of this denomination, I want to be a good follower. Good followers are the ones who require accountability, responsibility, and answers from their leaders, especially when things don’t make sense. Good followers also have a responsibility under God not to just let leaders do what they want – but when necessary, require leadership to answer what happened, as much as allowed and is appropriate, to ensure that we together, leaders and followers, are doing right.
When good followers question leadership, leadership feels threatened and uneasy. That is good because that says the leaders’ power is held and contained by those they represent. That accountability prevents, hopefully, misuse of power by leaders and is a quicker assurance that their next step in leading will be carefully weighed.