I think that we have to first recognize that our typical child will go through stages of angst and acceptance like we the parents.... but as children it will look differently. And since each child is different from one another, the best thing we can do as parents is try to catch moments in the car, during the bedtime ritual, or whenever to keep the communication flowing about everything!
That being said. My younger son experiences severe Autism which includes self-injurious behavior and aggression. My older typical son was very caring and supporting when he was small before the aggression began. But over time, he learned that his younger brother would not respond to him so he quit trying. I allowed this.
I decided the best thing I could do for my typical son is allow him to have his own interests, own friends, etc. I also needed to teach him to be independent quickly. So when he was very young, I paid for a young teenager to come play with him. Then I put him in daycare part-time so he would have a chance to socialize with other children. As he grew older and his brother became aggressive.... it became more challenging. But I allowed his closest friends to stay overnight frequently although they did not get a lot of supervision. These friends were expected to not speak badly about the younger brother and I spent time explaining the strange behaviors that they witnessed. These kids grew up around both my children so they didn't see it as unusual.
I also made sure that I got caregivers for my younger son so I would NEVER miss an important event at my older son's school. I often prayed that God would bring the right people into our lives and He provided time and time again. I did miss some soccer games but I made a pretty good effort and probably caught about a half of them. I wanted my typical son to SEE that his stuff was important too. But at the same time, I had to limit the amount of activities that he was involved in simply because I didn't have enough time. I was able to pair up with some of my son's friends' parents and they helped me alot with the shuttling to practices, school, etc.
Eventually my older son started showing some resentment. Especially after a couple of years of aggression in our home. I told him repeatedly that this was hard for me too but I would do the same for him if he was disabled and struggled with these problems.
I remember once when my son really opened my eyes as he tearfully told me that I never noticed what HE did. And that he didn't want me to notice the stupid little things (like I did for his brother) but to really see Him and his accomplishments. Wow! That caused me to sit up and take inventory!!!
I think the worst time was after my husband started complaining and wanting my younger son to be put into an institution. I looked but could not find one. My mistake at this time was not talking about the research I was doing with my typical son. One day in anger, my typical son yelled at me that I would never put his brother away because I always put him first. On this day, I explained if I could find a place that would provide the same level of care my disabled son received at home, I would do it in a minute even though it would crush me.
Eventually I did hospitalize my younger son in a neuro-pychriactric hospital in another state. It was a temporary placement to "figure it out". My older son stayed with my sister while I was away. But they both came to visit me (in a hotel) while my autistic son was in the hospital. I think it was good for my older son (11-12 at the time) to see what was going on. The hospital released my younger son in two weeks declaring him "better". He wasn't. But my typical son understood that I couldn't find a good place for his brother. And I knew God was telling me that I had to make it work at home.
Today my older son is 18 and a senior in high school. His younger brother is greatly improved as God led us to good services that made a difference. My autistic son still has violent episodes but they have greatly reduced in frequency. I look forward to the day when they are gone completely. My older son is looking forward to a life away from home; as all teens do as they plan for college. He's not angry. And he will help me with his brother when I ask or if he thinks I will get hurt. He is pretty self-centered right now and is questioning the Bible and God. It's a whole another phase and my least favorite because I fear for him.
Parenting - the most challenging job you will ever have!!!
Hi everyone, I'm so comforted to hear your open discussion. I know this was a big issue for me when my son was young and I was constantly exhausted and stressed with his extreme behaviors. I was pretty wild as a teenager and young adult so I did buy into Satan's lie that God was punishing me for those past sins. As I saw how my son suffered when he literally beat himself (self-injurious behavior), I would beg God to have it stop and pray that my son would not longer suffer for my sins.
Years later as I have began to know my Lord and Savior better I saw that it was a lie. And I know that I would not be where I am today without God's grace showered on me time and time again throughout this journey. You know that God is with you when you are restraining your child from hurting himself and this unexplainable peace just floods your heart. I felt the Lord next to me that day. Not every day. But that day was when I started to understand that He really is with me although my world was chaos and pain.
And those difficult times were enough for me to understand that God is my strength when I allow myself to lean on Him. And now after God provided again and again, my son is doing better and hasn't hit himself in almost 3 months (it used to be multiple times per day). But also during that horrible time, I learned about God and He was there. And He is faithful even when I am not.
So now I know that God can make all things work for good as he promises in his scriptures. And He continues to refine me. And my son has become joyful and a delight again. My life will never be even "close to normal" but I can remember what God has done and thank Him. I believe the difficult times are for drawing us close to Him. And for bringing others into our world. The good times are so we can use what God has showed us to bless others. And through it all we can learn to thank God for it all.
I no longer think it's important to know whether God caused it, allowed it, or whatever. What is important is what we allow God to do with these circumstances and with us. Do we completely surrender the problem to him? Or do we hold on to parts of it and attempt to solve it within our limited human abilities? Do we let God work through us so our lives and our child's lives can become a tesitmony for God's glory?
It's tough to do. But once we start, it seems so easy and we wonder why we didn't start sooner? But then, that stubborn do-it-ourselves thing keeps rising again. So surrender again and keep remembering and reminding ourselves that God's way is better.
I covet your prayers to help me keep surrending. And I will pray that for you too. Jill
Oh yea. I forgot to mention that during the early stages, I always offered positive reinforcement on the days when we left church with no problem behaviors. On days when he lost it, he received no reinforcement. If you want to learn more about using positive reinforcment to shape behavior, let me know.
Basically we were successful because of several things:
#1 God blessed our efforts
# And people prayed for us and were supportive. # I used positive reinforcement for good behavior. # We tried to always leave while he still was being good. # The program was designed to help him become "desensitized" to the church environment which was overwhelming to him. ie. Gradually increasing his exposure as he became successful. # And outside of church, we worked on him tolerating his frustrations.
#1 God blessed both our family and our church. Many church members have told me how much Kavan's journey has meant to them. To God be the glory.
Hi. I'm excited about this new group. Although some of my friends with a special needs loved ones are Christians who follow Jesus, many are not. And likewise, I find very few Christians on the online Autism groups that I belong too. I'm so ready to move beyond my son's behavioral, educational, and physical needs to his spiritual needs. Likewise, I'm anxious to start to Disability ministry in my church.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
My husband and I have two children. Our eldest is Keelan and he is a typical 17 year old senior. He has been diagnosed with ADHD but that has been easily managed over the years. I think it's because his ADHD is quite mild plus compared to our other son, it's a walk in the park.
Our younger 16 yo son is Kavan and he has Autism along with a few other tags that have been added over the years. He's quite challenging but our Lord has blessed us time and time again as we have seen "Him work all things for good." And as most of you know, we all go through more difficult times and also easier times. This is an easier time for us as Kavan's aggressive behaviors are now at an all-time low and we have amazing supports and programs in place that are working for him.
So I've been on the internet reading about disability ministries as I want to start one in my church. And there's some other church members that are excited about it too. And a friend in a neighboring church wants to partner with us too. Our vision is that we eventually will have a network of churches in our community that welcome those with disabilities. So that's my latest thing.
But the other thing I often think about is how can I teach my son about Jesus? He loves music so I have used that and he has memorized several songs. KLOVE is his favorite radio station. But his language is limited to very concrete "here and present" things so bigger concepts can not be discussed. I look forward to hearing what has worked with your loved ones.
Posted in: How have you dealt with resolving sibling resentment?
I think that we have to first recognize that our typical child will go through stages of angst and acceptance like we the parents.... but as children it will look differently. And since each child is different from one another, the best thing we can do as parents is try to catch moments in the car, during the bedtime ritual, or whenever to keep the communication flowing about everything!
That being said. My younger son experiences severe Autism which includes self-injurious behavior and aggression. My older typical son was very caring and supporting when he was small before the aggression began. But over time, he learned that his younger brother would not respond to him so he quit trying. I allowed this.
I decided the best thing I could do for my typical son is allow him to have his own interests, own friends, etc. I also needed to teach him to be independent quickly. So when he was very young, I paid for a young teenager to come play with him. Then I put him in daycare part-time so he would have a chance to socialize with other children. As he grew older and his brother became aggressive.... it became more challenging. But I allowed his closest friends to stay overnight frequently although they did not get a lot of supervision. These friends were expected to not speak badly about the younger brother and I spent time explaining the strange behaviors that they witnessed. These kids grew up around both my children so they didn't see it as unusual.
I also made sure that I got caregivers for my younger son so I would NEVER miss an important event at my older son's school. I often prayed that God would bring the right people into our lives and He provided time and time again. I did miss some soccer games but I made a pretty good effort and probably caught about a half of them. I wanted my typical son to SEE that his stuff was important too. But at the same time, I had to limit the amount of activities that he was involved in simply because I didn't have enough time. I was able to pair up with some of my son's friends' parents and they helped me alot with the shuttling to practices, school, etc.
Eventually my older son started showing some resentment. Especially after a couple of years of aggression in our home. I told him repeatedly that this was hard for me too but I would do the same for him if he was disabled and struggled with these problems.
I remember once when my son really opened my eyes as he tearfully told me that I never noticed what HE did. And that he didn't want me to notice the stupid little things (like I did for his brother) but to really see Him and his accomplishments. Wow! That caused me to sit up and take inventory!!!
I think the worst time was after my husband started complaining and wanting my younger son to be put into an institution. I looked but could not find one. My mistake at this time was not talking about the research I was doing with my typical son. One day in anger, my typical son yelled at me that I would never put his brother away because I always put him first. On this day, I explained if I could find a place that would provide the same level of care my disabled son received at home, I would do it in a minute even though it would crush me.
Eventually I did hospitalize my younger son in a neuro-pychriactric hospital in another state. It was a temporary placement to "figure it out". My older son stayed with my sister while I was away. But they both came to visit me (in a hotel) while my autistic son was in the hospital. I think it was good for my older son (11-12 at the time) to see what was going on. The hospital released my younger son in two weeks declaring him "better". He wasn't. But my typical son understood that I couldn't find a good place for his brother. And I knew God was telling me that I had to make it work at home.
Today my older son is 18 and a senior in high school. His younger brother is greatly improved as God led us to good services that made a difference. My autistic son still has violent episodes but they have greatly reduced in frequency. I look forward to the day when they are gone completely. My older son is looking forward to a life away from home; as all teens do as they plan for college. He's not angry. And he will help me with his brother when I ask or if he thinks I will get hurt. He is pretty self-centered right now and is questioning the Bible and God. It's a whole another phase and my least favorite because I fear for him.
Parenting - the most challenging job you will ever have!!!
Posted in: "What Did I Do to Deserve This?"
Hi everyone, I'm so comforted to hear your open discussion. I know this was a big issue for me when my son was young and I was constantly exhausted and stressed with his extreme behaviors. I was pretty wild as a teenager and young adult so I did buy into Satan's lie that God was punishing me for those past sins. As I saw how my son suffered when he literally beat himself (self-injurious behavior), I would beg God to have it stop and pray that my son would not longer suffer for my sins.
Years later as I have began to know my Lord and Savior better I saw that it was a lie. And I know that I would not be where I am today without God's grace showered on me time and time again throughout this journey. You know that God is with you when you are restraining your child from hurting himself and this unexplainable peace just floods your heart. I felt the Lord next to me that day. Not every day. But that day was when I started to understand that He really is with me although my world was chaos and pain.
And those difficult times were enough for me to understand that God is my strength when I allow myself to lean on Him. And now after God provided again and again, my son is doing better and hasn't hit himself in almost 3 months (it used to be multiple times per day). But also during that horrible time, I learned about God and He was there. And He is faithful even when I am not.
So now I know that God can make all things work for good as he promises in his scriptures. And He continues to refine me. And my son has become joyful and a delight again. My life will never be even "close to normal" but I can remember what God has done and thank Him. I believe the difficult times are for drawing us close to Him. And for bringing others into our world. The good times are so we can use what God has showed us to bless others. And through it all we can learn to thank God for it all.
I no longer think it's important to know whether God caused it, allowed it, or whatever. What is important is what we allow God to do with these circumstances and with us. Do we completely surrender the problem to him? Or do we hold on to parts of it and attempt to solve it within our limited human abilities? Do we let God work through us so our lives and our child's lives can become a tesitmony for God's glory?
It's tough to do. But once we start, it seems so easy and we wonder why we didn't start sooner? But then, that stubborn do-it-ourselves thing keeps rising again. So surrender again and keep remembering and reminding ourselves that God's way is better.
I covet your prayers to help me keep surrending. And I will pray that for you too. Jill
Posted in: Helping My Son to "Handle" Church.
Oh yea. I forgot to mention that during the early stages, I always offered positive reinforcement on the days when we left church with no problem behaviors. On days when he lost it, he received no reinforcement. If you want to learn more about using positive reinforcment to shape behavior, let me know.
Basically we were successful because of several things:
#1 God blessed our efforts
# And people prayed for us and were supportive. # I used positive reinforcement for good behavior. # We tried to always leave while he still was being good. # The program was designed to help him become "desensitized" to the church environment which was overwhelming to him. ie. Gradually increasing his exposure as he became successful. # And outside of church, we worked on him tolerating his frustrations.
#1 God blessed both our family and our church. Many church members have told me how much Kavan's journey has meant to them. To God be the glory.
Posted in: Disability Support Groups: Introductions
Hi. I'm excited about this new group. Although some of my friends with a special needs loved ones are Christians who follow Jesus, many are not. And likewise, I find very few Christians on the online Autism groups that I belong too. I'm so ready to move beyond my son's behavioral, educational, and physical needs to his spiritual needs. Likewise, I'm anxious to start to Disability ministry in my church.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
My husband and I have two children. Our eldest is Keelan and he is a typical 17 year old senior. He has been diagnosed with ADHD but that has been easily managed over the years. I think it's because his ADHD is quite mild plus compared to our other son, it's a walk in the park.
Our younger 16 yo son is Kavan and he has Autism along with a few other tags that have been added over the years. He's quite challenging but our Lord has blessed us time and time again as we have seen "Him work all things for good." And as most of you know, we all go through more difficult times and also easier times. This is an easier time for us as Kavan's aggressive behaviors are now at an all-time low and we have amazing supports and programs in place that are working for him.
So I've been on the internet reading about disability ministries as I want to start one in my church. And there's some other church members that are excited about it too. And a friend in a neighboring church wants to partner with us too. Our vision is that we eventually will have a network of churches in our community that welcome those with disabilities. So that's my latest thing.
But the other thing I often think about is how can I teach my son about Jesus? He loves music so I have used that and he has memorized several songs. KLOVE is his favorite radio station. But his language is limited to very concrete "here and present" things so bigger concepts can not be discussed. I look forward to hearing what has worked with your loved ones.
Your sister in Christ, Jill