I am a full-time student at Calvin Theological Seminary, pursuing a Master of Arts in Bible and Theology and a Master of Arts in Worship. My husband, Quellis, and I hope to do world missions in another country.
Interesting point and interesting questions, John, “What is sometimes called financial abuse is often a result of the couple not being on the same page for priorities in spending.” Still, to see that woman so easily reduced to tears and to hear the desperation in her voice when she said “I don’t have anywhere else to go” indicated, to me, at least the possibility of a pattern of abusive behavior. Now, easily, someone could counter, “maybe the wife was just a crier or overly emotional”. That might be the case, but, I do not know if that mindset gives equal weight or room to places where there is, in fact, a problem.
I once heard an associate minister advise a wife that she and her husband needed to talk about their finances and to come to better joint-agreements on how to spend their money. That sounds amicable enough, right? But, what prompted this advice was the wife’s comment that she and her husband both worked forty hours a week, outside the home, and that she still had to ask him for lunch money, everyday, and that he would never give her more than $5.00 or $6.00. So, as I listened to this associate minister assure this wife that everything would be solved with her and her husband just having the “money-talk”, I also heard the need for a deeper concern. And, internally, I actually questioned how responsible it was for that licensed minister to throw a fix-all-talk-it-out solution at that wife, without first determining whether or not her husband had violent tendencies (the husband did not actually attend our church, so I do not know if the associate minister had ever even met him).
As another example, a former co-worker, who was also a church elder, was very proud of the fact that he provided well enough for his family that his wife did not have to work, outside the home, even saying, “I never wanted a working wife.” Nothing unsettling at all about that, right? However, I also noticed that whenever his wife or their teenaged daughter would do something that displeased him, he would remove all of the landline telephones from their home (this was in the early 90’s, before everyone had cellular phones), to “teach them a lesson”. He would adamantly state, “I bought the phones, so I can take them out when I want”. Again, that behavior seemed more about control, than about being a good provider.
So, John, I can agree with what I think is your stance that not every financial dispute is, at its core, financial abuse. The point of this blog, however, was to open a dialogue in our churches to identify when it is, or, at least to ask deeper questions.
I really appreciate your input, Bev! You brought up a good point about leader abuse and spiritual abuse, within the church. Those are some other issues we need to talk about, as well. Additionally, your comments on perception and our pass experiences, “…if you've experienced it, you can discern the control lingo that's been spiritualized (which becomes spiritual abuse)...” were also very valuable.
And, bless your heart, Bev, for helping to shed more light on this issue. You have really helped to enhance this blogpost and this conversation. I should have asked you to co-write this with me!
I was not familiar with this report, Bev. Seems like there was a lot wrong with how they initially handled issues of sexual abuse. Glad they sought out ways to correct and remedy that. I was particularly moved by the comment, "Some participants noted that chapel sermons on forgiveness had pushed (those who experience abuse) to forgive quickly, bypassing (those who experience abuse)'s need for lament". Thank you for sharing this!
Hmmmm, “…human memory converts negative thoughts into positive thoughts…” is an interesting application, in this context. When I have read those same reports, their focus and goal were to help people overcome depression and rewiring ones brain for positivity and happiness, not as someone using it as a way to validate his/her abusive behavior. But, as we live in a fallen world, anything can be twisted when someone really does not want to come to terms with his/her actions.
Nevertheless, our churches and its members do not need to “sleep in” on issues of abuse, when we could be doing more to help.
Rather, our churches should be an active, living, breathing organism, with immune systems and bacteria fighting properties intact to promote healing. When one part of the Body of Christ is hurting, we all should feel it.
So, in effect Abuse Awareness Sunday serves the same purpose as your “Be a good neighbor” Sunday suggestion. Both serve the greater purpose of us walking alongside each other, through the good and the bad. Part of the Love in Action instructions we are given in Romans 12:15 is that we should “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
So, if you “sleep in” on Abuse Awareness Sunday, I am sure that someone would miss you in your church family, the same way that someone trapped in abuse would miss having light shed on their dilemma.
Posted in: Ties That Bind
Interesting point and interesting questions, John, “What is sometimes called financial abuse is often a result of the couple not being on the same page for priorities in spending.” Still, to see that woman so easily reduced to tears and to hear the desperation in her voice when she said “I don’t have anywhere else to go” indicated, to me, at least the possibility of a pattern of abusive behavior. Now, easily, someone could counter, “maybe the wife was just a crier or overly emotional”. That might be the case, but, I do not know if that mindset gives equal weight or room to places where there is, in fact, a problem.
I once heard an associate minister advise a wife that she and her husband needed to talk about their finances and to come to better joint-agreements on how to spend their money. That sounds amicable enough, right? But, what prompted this advice was the wife’s comment that she and her husband both worked forty hours a week, outside the home, and that she still had to ask him for lunch money, everyday, and that he would never give her more than $5.00 or $6.00. So, as I listened to this associate minister assure this wife that everything would be solved with her and her husband just having the “money-talk”, I also heard the need for a deeper concern. And, internally, I actually questioned how responsible it was for that licensed minister to throw a fix-all-talk-it-out solution at that wife, without first determining whether or not her husband had violent tendencies (the husband did not actually attend our church, so I do not know if the associate minister had ever even met him).
As another example, a former co-worker, who was also a church elder, was very proud of the fact that he provided well enough for his family that his wife did not have to work, outside the home, even saying, “I never wanted a working wife.” Nothing unsettling at all about that, right? However, I also noticed that whenever his wife or their teenaged daughter would do something that displeased him, he would remove all of the landline telephones from their home (this was in the early 90’s, before everyone had cellular phones), to “teach them a lesson”. He would adamantly state, “I bought the phones, so I can take them out when I want”. Again, that behavior seemed more about control, than about being a good provider.
So, John, I can agree with what I think is your stance that not every financial dispute is, at its core, financial abuse. The point of this blog, however, was to open a dialogue in our churches to identify when it is, or, at least to ask deeper questions.
Posted in: Ties That Bind
I really appreciate your input, Bev! You brought up a good point about leader abuse and spiritual abuse, within the church. Those are some other issues we need to talk about, as well. Additionally, your comments on perception and our pass experiences, “…if you've experienced it, you can discern the control lingo that's been spiritualized (which becomes spiritual abuse)...” were also very valuable.
Posted in: Ties That Bind
And, bless your heart, Bev, for helping to shed more light on this issue. You have really helped to enhance this blogpost and this conversation. I should have asked you to co-write this with me!
Posted in: Breaking the Silence: A Question of Culture
I was not familiar with this report, Bev. Seems like there was a lot wrong with how they initially handled issues of sexual abuse. Glad they sought out ways to correct and remedy that. I was particularly moved by the comment, "Some participants noted that chapel sermons on forgiveness had pushed (those who experience abuse) to forgive quickly, bypassing (those who experience abuse)'s need for lament". Thank you for sharing this!
Posted in: Abuse Awareness: It’s Up to You
Hmmmm, “…human memory converts negative thoughts into positive thoughts…” is an interesting application, in this context. When I have read those same reports, their focus and goal were to help people overcome depression and rewiring ones brain for positivity and happiness, not as someone using it as a way to validate his/her abusive behavior. But, as we live in a fallen world, anything can be twisted when someone really does not want to come to terms with his/her actions.
Nevertheless, our churches and its members do not need to “sleep in” on issues of abuse, when we could be doing more to help.
Rather, our churches should be an active, living, breathing organism, with immune systems and bacteria fighting properties intact to promote healing. When one part of the Body of Christ is hurting, we all should feel it.
So, in effect Abuse Awareness Sunday serves the same purpose as your “Be a good neighbor” Sunday suggestion. Both serve the greater purpose of us walking alongside each other, through the good and the bad. Part of the Love in Action instructions we are given in Romans 12:15 is that we should “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
So, if you “sleep in” on Abuse Awareness Sunday, I am sure that someone would miss you in your church family, the same way that someone trapped in abuse would miss having light shed on their dilemma.
Posted in: Breaking the Silence: A Question of Culture
Such thoughtful and true words, Shannon.
Posted in: Breaking the Silence: A Question of Culture
This is some fascinating insight, Bev. I might need to try and find that book!
Posted in: Had a Fire Drill, Lately?
Thank you, for providing this additional information, Carol! It will be very helpful to our churches as they seek to create Safe Church policies.
Posted in: Two Words to My Former Self
Thanks, Monica! Glad we can rejoice in that!
Posted in: Even to Your Old Age...
Thank you, Shannon! I am so glad you found this useful. It gave me a lot to think about, too.