Michele Gyselinck

 Do you mind if I use this in Sunday's order of worship?

 That's the issue in which my story appeared.  I still have copies of it. 

 People who say that mental illness is a sin don't know what they're talking about, so I'm glad you didn't cry about it.  I won't tell you not to let it affect you, because that sort of nonsense does affect us whether we want it to or not.  In a documentary I watched on YouTube titled "Schizophrenia : Stolen Minds, Stolen Lives" we can see two identical twin brothers, one who has schizophrenia, and the other not, and at one point both brothers undergo an MRI, and you can see the difference in their brains.  So, therefore, if mental illnesses manifest themselves at the neurological level where most people have no control over their brain's morphology, how can mental illness be a sin?  God doesn't hold us to account for things we can't control.  Only stupid people do.  So try not to take it too personally when you hear that sort of comment.  They're WAY out in left field.

 This woman is fortunate in that she received excellent care both in and out of prison, which in the States is exceptional.  And she acknowledges that.  I'm glad for her.  And this man whom she quotes is right.  In his case it may not have been a mental illness, but in the author's case and mine it was.  And it is true that the aftermath of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder is the "new normal."  I studied to become a professional writer, but because of my illness I can only use my skills in non-paying environments.  It isn't necessarily the potential employer's fault either.  I was offered freelance positions in the past and had to turn them down after consideration because anxiety paralyzed me.  Freelance work is extremely stressful work when you're frail mentally.  The kind of job I would need is a 9-5 position in a closed office, and at my age it's unlikely to happen.

  There is an assumption in this post that I want to address because I find it pernicious.  It is the assumption that people develop severe mental illnesses because of a traumatic childhood, and while that can and does happen occasionally, it is NOT a sine qua non requirement to trigger the onset of the illness.  Actually, the current hypothesis is that a genetic mutation occurs at conception setting in motion a series of factors that will cause the illness to develop either in the teenage years or young adulthood.  My father was abusive verbally while I was growing up, but my schizophrenia did not start then.  I only began to experience auditory hallucinations while living on my own after a summer of working night shift at a mail sorting plant.  It was the odd hours that screwed me up and made me vulnerable to something that was already in my system.  

I think this assumption is related to the mistaken notion that psychosis leads to a Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde phenomenon and that psychotic people will stab you in the back if they get the opportunity to do so.  That is not the case.  There is a possibility that someone with psychosis might do that, but in reality the break occurs between reality and the patient's perception of it through hallucinations which can affect all five senses, or delusional thinking or a combination.  It is not rare for someone with schizophrenia to have both hallucinations AND delusions.  In my case, those delusions often took the form of religious delirium causing me to think I should engage in risky behavior.  For example, I would fast for days on end, which is a BAD idea when one is taking anti-psychotics, or any medication actually.  Or I would think that because someone felt they had to stop taking sleeping pills I should stop taking my anti-psychotic medications.  And that led to an even riskier notion that moved my mom to call my doctor because she could not talk sense into me.  At the time I felt that I should go off my disability income and depend solely on God's providence, and my voices were literally screaming in my head that I should do so.  This or other variants is what psychosis is about.  So people who fear that their mentally ill relative might pull cheap tricks on them should probably look elsewhere to find a deliberate intent to betray them.

 I don't know if I ever mentioned this in these posts but one passage that means a LOT to me is Lamentations 3:19-33.  I prefer it in the NIV than the New King James Version.  Actually, the whole chapter, even the whole book, would be pertinent, but for the sake of brevity I narrowed it down to this passage.  I find it comforting, but at the same time it seldom fails to bring tears to my eyes even though I haven't been depressed in years, and depression was my dominant negative symptom for decades next to insomnia.

 I have a confession to make. I stopped reading midway through Point #3. I couldn't take anymore.  Man alive, are we still there? I remember reading stuff like this back in the late 1980s!  This text, although it is meant to show support to people with mental illnesses is actually depressing because it makes us feel as though the CRC is spinning its wheels in butter and getting nowhere as a denomination. Now, thank God, some congregations have moved on from this Psychiatry 101 discourse, and the one I attend is one of these.  Maybe it's not irrelevant that one of our pastor's adoptive daughters also has a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and her son has an ASD--for Autism Spectrum Disorder. And that former members of our congregations have had bouts of depression or paranoid psychosis.  Still, I no longer feel the need to appeal for acceptance or recognition as a gifted human being.  That IS established by now, and my contribution is sought after.  Mind you, I have been in recovery since 2005.

Sigh! Please, as a denomination, do catch on to the 21st century and stop dragging your feet.

Jeremiah speaks specifically about his pain.   

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed...."

This passage always leaves me close to tears because I remember the mental pain I endured before medication took effect and reduced it to the point where I am more affected by its side effects than by the illness itself.  At my lowest point, when I was watching the river flow by and considering throwing myself in the water God convinced me not to give up on life, and I never came that close to killing myself again even though things didn't improve right away.  Actually, not for at least a year after that, and as a result I think I got that pain in my bones so to speak.  It left an indelible mark on my soul, and I can't forget it.  I guess that's what keeps me credible when I talk about my illness.  Nobody can say that my witness is trite because I REALLY know what it feels like. I can still recall it in a heartbeat.  And Lamentations expresses that better than any other passage I've come across so far.

Could you provide a link to it or5 do I have to look it up myself?

On another subject. I am somewhat hard of hearing and the loud speakers of my computer are weak.  Could you or would you make your videos close captioned in the future, so that I can hear what people are saying without straining and trying to boost the volume beyond the computer's capacity?  I already have an extra set of loud speakers and even with them I had such a hard time hearing the video that I gave up.  Thank you.

@ Mark,

I will look into the resources you mentioned and share them with my pastor.  In one of the sentences you wrote about the poems and stories you mentioned a journal. Perhaps you meant a journey?  Thanks for these resources.  I'll get back to you.

I have some poems I wrote in the mid-1990s before and after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, which was one of the most stressful periods of my life.  One of them is on this computer ; its title is "Mountains".  Unfortunately I can't get it in this window.  I don't know how to, but I could send it to Disability concerns to publish in your newsletter along with the others.