Bonnie Nicholas

Do you know the top reason that churches end up in court? Find out here. What is is it? It's something experienced by1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys, yet we hardly ever talk about it; and about 40% of our congregations do nothing to prevent it. It's also experienced in one of it's most violent forms by 1 in 5 women during their college years. Intimate partners and even teen dating partners experience it at alarming rates in our culture. The effects can be devastating. And yet, most people in the CRC have no idea how to respond to this far-more-common-than-we-think issue. And many, many have left the CRC because of the lack of response, or the mishandled response. Maybe we need to write more about that! 

You can find out more about it on the Safe Church Ministry Website.

Thanks for the reminder about college students! Our church participates an English language partner program in which church members are paired with international students to meet regularly for the purpose of practice in speaking English. In the past, as an InterVarsity staff worker, I was always blessed to have my church, with its close proximity to the campus, allow us to use space for various events. It gave many students a very positive view of the church with fond memories of special events there. One year I volunteered for a program where students and church members signed up, agreeing to be paired up for "two meetings and a lunch". It was a great way to connect more deeply with a student who was a part of our church, but whom I had never really talked with before. 

Thanks Monica for this very thoughtful post! Forgiveness is so difficult. I like the idea that both forgiveness and repentance are a journey and must not be taken lightly.  Serious sin has serious impacts, and it then makes sense that there would be serious consequences. I resonate deeply with your call for increased accountability. For the sake  of Christ and his Church, may we move in the direction of taking the sin of abuse seriously enough to hold those who abuse accountable. 

We can never know the transforming, healing power of our Lord, if we will not acknowledge our own deep woundedness. 

This is a very, very important article - thanks for posting it. The power differential between a pastor and a parishioner must always be taken into consideration in any ministry relationship. And it is ALWAYS the responsibility of the pastor to maintain healthy boundaries in ministry relationships. Therefore, when sexual misconduct occurs, it is not an "affair". An affair implies a relationship of equality and mutuality - that does not accurately describe the relationship between pastor and parishioner. A pastor and parishioner are not on equal footing. When sexual misconduct occurs in this relationship, it is an abuse of power and abuse of the office. Referring to this as an "affair" causes additional harm to the one whose been victimized by it. 

Healthy ministry boundaries are complex and it's important to spend some time carefully considering them. It's not a matter of a creating a list of do this and don't do that. Rather it's considering how a relationship is perceived and paying attention to the power differential involved. Healthy boundaries create a container for good ministry. Many denominations require ongoing boundary or ethics training for clergy and ordained leaders. Ministry leaders, and especially ordained ministers, must remain cognizant of the great power inherent in their position, and the sacred trust that they hold. Seeking additional training in this area is a very wise move.

This webinar provides a quick introduction to some of the topics to consider in maintaining healthy ministry boundaries, 

What a beautiful testimony! Thanks for sharing it. 

It's a wonderful vision for Safe Church Ministry as well, that congregations would be the safest places on earth. Amen, may it be so. I share your "deepest longings" that thousands of believers would express similar sentiments about their congregations.

Unfortunately, it's far too common that congregations are not safe places. I've heard story after story from those who felt compelled to leave their congregation because it was not safe. A woman once expressed  to me how much she loved sitting on her porch and looking down the hill where she could see her church building. But now, she said through her tears, seeing the church building only makes her feel "sick to her stomach" because of the abuse she experienced there at the hands of a church leader. 

I will join you in praying and working to make all of our congregations safe and nurturing places for everyone; communities reflecting the truth that we are one body in Christ. We need one another, and we flourish together, as each one does his or her part. Safe Church loves to say that it takes all of us, working together, to make a congregation truly safe.

I appreciate this article. It's a good thing for us to carefully consider our role, as the Church, in a world of hurting people. 

One word of caution comes to mind when I read these words, "Humans are responsible for their response to brokenness.  For instance unforgiveness/bitterness/anger for a situation of abuse might need to be dealt with instead of invoking a victimization clause which could absolve a person of responsibility for reactions. We also do not hide injustice done under the table, but also know that ultimately God will bring about justice (Matthew 5:38-42; Romans 12:17-21)."

We need to be careful about judging those who have suffered abuse and/or other trauma. Until we have walked in their shoes, or walked alongside, we may not understand the deep impacts and effects of that experience. Rushing or pressuring someone toward "quick forgiveness", or focusing on their own responsibility before fully considering the harm that has been done, can block or impede the process of true forgiveness, which is usually a long, painful, and circular process. The capacity to forgive increases as healing increases. What is needed is someone who is willing to walk alongside, without judgment, but with compassion, each step of the journey until the point where enough healing has taken place, which then allows for the capacity to forgive. I'm not advocating absolving the person of responsibility - I'm advocating allowing the time and space needed for deep healing to take place. The process takes time, and courage, and grace, and more time, etc.

One helpful aspect of healing is when those who have perpetrated the abuse are held accountable, when the hurt is named, when the story can be told, when there is some sense of justice (even though nothing can undo the damage that has been done). In the absence of justice and accountability, the process of healing from abuse and getting to the point where forgiveness is possible takes much, much longer; if it happens at all this side of heaven. 

Thanks so much to the one who has courageously shared her story.

I have walked this road with many women. And I've seen the amazing positive changes that can happen when the abuse ends. We don't often realize the HUGE damage caused by constant emotional, psychological, and even spiritual abuse. Until we've walked in another's shoes; we need to be very careful not to judge. Instead, as the Church we are called to love. It is not loving to encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship. It is not loving to allow someone to persist in their sin of abuse. Of course we want to uphold the permanence of marriage. But at what cost? Don't we also need to also uphold up the sanctity and purity of the marriage relationship? That doesn't happen when abuse is allowed to continue.