Bonnie Nicholas
I am the Director of Safe Church Ministry.
We want to hear from you.
Connect to The Network and add your own question, blog, resource, or job.
Add Your PostConnect to The Network and add your own question, blog, resource, or job.
Add Your Post
Posted in: When Is It "OK" to Leave?
Thanks so much to the one who has courageously shared her story.
I have walked this road with many women. And I've seen the amazing positive changes that can happen when the abuse ends. We don't often realize the HUGE damage caused by constant emotional, psychological, and even spiritual abuse. Until we've walked in another's shoes; we need to be very careful not to judge. Instead, as the Church we are called to love. It is not loving to encourage someone to stay in an abusive relationship. It is not loving to allow someone to persist in their sin of abuse. Of course we want to uphold the permanence of marriage. But at what cost? Don't we also need to also uphold up the sanctity and purity of the marriage relationship? That doesn't happen when abuse is allowed to continue.
Posted in: When Is It "OK" to Leave?
It's true that abuse in a relationship does tend to escalate rather than diminish; and that is also something that needs to be considered in a decision about leaving. And it's true that there may be warning signs, recognizing those is important - Safe Church Ministry has resources that can help here. When I worked leading support groups in a local domestic violence shelter I learned a lot about how this story plays out. Though each woman's story is unique, there are some themes that emerge in story after story. One theme is how wonderful the man was when they first met, he did beautiful things, swept her off her feet, and treated her very well. There are real and strong feelings of love there. The abuse begins and escalates very, very gradually only after the "hook" is in deep. And as humans, we are always hopeful. When someone says he's sorry and it won't happen again, everything inside us wants to believe that it's true. I remember one woman's words very distinctly, she finally came to the point where she said, "I know I have to find a way to leave someone that I love more than my very self". It's difficult and it's complicated. And I've seen strong, intelligent and beautiful women get hooked into an abusive relationship; and then come alive and build a new life again once the abuse ends.
Posted in: Why Every Church Leader Should Watch Spotlight
Faith Trust Institute has recently come out with a multi-faith discussion guide related to the movie Spotlight. You can find it here. A free webinar on the movie, also hosted by Faith Trust will take place in April "Join us for a roundtable conversation about the movie and how it illustrates the issues of institutional and personal responsibility for preventing and responding to child abuse." Presenters: Mary Dispenza, SNAP and Rev. Dr. Marie Fortune - See more at: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/training/upcoming-webinars#sthash.Hr29bKf0.dpuf
Posted in: Why Every Church Leader Should Watch Spotlight
The movie helps point out the systemic nature of the problem. It's our culture that allows abuse to continue - we must not let it continue in our congregations. As a college campaign against sexual assault states, "It's on us", all of us. We must work together to change culture. The stakes are too high to be complacent.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to see our church culture reflect our belief that every person is valued as a unique image-bearer of God. Wouldn't it be wonderful if every Church leader followed in the way of Jesus, never using power for selfish gain, to control, manipulate, or harm; but instead used power as Jesus did to humbly love and build up the other (see Philippians 2). In that culture, abuse would be unthinkable.
Posted in: A Post-Christmas Advent Reflection
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Posted in: Why Every Church Leader Should Watch Spotlight
Thanks so much Kelly for your response. This issue must not be swept under the rug, but must be faced. I'm currently on a committee that is addressing CRCNA Church Order Articles 83-84 regarding sexual misconduct by church leaders. The power inherent in the church leader position and the use/misuse of that power is a key dynamic that will be addressed. And children are not the only ones who suffer from misuse of that power. A study by Pamela Cooper-White from Columbia Theological Seminary reveals that 90-95% of victims of clergy sexual misconduct are female congregants. She goes on to say that once having disclosed their situation, survivors depend on the response of the institution or faith group for their healing. Often our response has instead created additional harm for many who have survived abuse at the hands of a church leader. We simply must do better. A book that I often recommend is:
When Pastor's Prey edited by Valli Boobal Batchelor and also
It has several authors, reviews various studies as well as includes stories from survivors. One of the primary prevention strategies noted in the book is to educate about clergy sexual misconduct as abuse of power, not a consensual affair between persons of equal power; and also to provide biblical education about the role of power and its use and abuse. Baylor School of Social Work has done many studies and also has resources regarding the use of power by church leaders; these can be found here. (http://www.baylor.edu/clergysexualmisconduct/index.php?id=67437)
Thanks again for all the great comments on Monica's good article.
Posted in: When CRC Spiritual Authorities Abuse: Revisiting an Old Problem
Thank you for your comments Bev. My ongoing, fervent prayer is that the CRC will do the right thing in responding to abuse, especially abuse that involves church leaders. In addition to our work to prevent abuse and create safe environments, we must also respond appropriately when abuse occurs - that's part of what it means to be a safe church. Our vision states, "...and where abuse has occurred, the response is compassion and justice that foster healing." We are called to be light and salt in a world that needs Jesus. Emotional and spiritual abuse must be addressed and challenged if our congregations hope to reflect rightly our Lord and Savior.
Posted in: Prayers for the Unfaithful
What good questions! I think we live in a culture that is starving for community and belonging. What a wonderful opportunity for the Church. Thanks for the article Shannon.
Posted in: Reclaiming Christmas for Abuse Survivors (Part 1): Leaning into Suffering
A book that I've recently read (Two Steps Forward by Sharon Garlough Brown) described a scene in a church. As people walked into the sanctuary on the first Sunday of Advent they saw the front of the sanctuary littered with garbage, car bumpers, garbage cans overturned, cardboard as if set up as a shelter, etc... and in the middle of it all was a manger, with a spotlight coming out from it that lit up the cross behind. Jesus came down into our mess - and it's GOOD NEWS for us and for the world. Thanks for this blog that reminds us to enter into the mess of our humanity with a hope that is sure.
Posted in: Forming Men of Faith
It is so difficult to separate cultural gender roles and expectations from what our Lord expects of us as men and women of God. That's where looking at the life of Jesus seems so valuable to me. He is true man (and God); we become more human, the people that God created us to be, when we become more Christlike, more like Jesus.
In Safe Church Ministry, we talk a lot about power, use and misuse of this gift that God has given each of us in different measures. We see Jesus, who had all power, not grasping it for his own benefit, but laying it down, dying on a cross for those he loves. Real men look like that. Giving themselves in love to others. We see Jesus sharing power, empowering all of us with his Holy Spirit. Real men share power, empowering others to be all they can be. Others feel loved and flourish in the company of a man of faith.
Jesus also was not afraid to show his emotions, anger, weeping, joy, etc. A couple years ago now, safe church ministry hosted a lecture, presented by the Men's Resource Center related to the book "Mascupathy". A main premise in the book is that when boys are denied the opportunity to express their emotions, those emotions come out in other ways, often in violence against others. We are causing harm when we tell boys to "man up" and "don't cry". Perhaps it's not an accident that mass shootings have almost always been committed by men, or that men are far more likely to die violently than women. Real men are in touch with their feelings and can freely express them, the way Jesus did. Godly men don't let pent up emotions erupt in violence.
Jesus was not afraid to honor others in counter-cultural ways and in so doing he spoke truth to power. He lifted up a child as the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, he honored lepers, prostitutes, and tax gatherers by spending time with them. He called out pharisees for their hypocrisy. Jesus was no respecter of persons; he valued each and every one. Real men honor others, regardless of their status.
That's enough for now.
Posted in: Forming Men of Faith
May all of God's children, both men and women, put on the full armor of God, that we may stand firm in Christ, that each member of the body may become all that he or she was meant to be. May we all be free to love God with our whole our heart, soul, mind and strength. May we all be free to love our neighbor as ourselves, which means standing with those who are oppressed, against all forms of injustice. This calling in Christ takes great courage and dependence on the power of the Holy Spirit, which he has granted to all of his children. He alone is our strength, our protection, and our source of grace for each day.
Posted in: Forming Men of Faith
Though there may be some good insights, there are many who believe that this book enforces gender stereotypes that may be unhealthy. I've spoken with many Christian women who find some of it offensive and demeaning.