Roger, I do not understand why you keep harping about not knowing both sides of this story and now classifying the woman's hurt as bitterness. Really you are implying that she could be lying so she does not deserve being listened to and also that her hurt is invalid. You seem unable to acknowledge that it could be true and that she was treated wrongly. Instead you seem to blame her for letting the 'imagined' hurt last so long.
Sure it would be interesting/helpful/educational to know more about it, but that we don't does not automatically invalidate what she says.
While discounting this woman you state: "But I do believe these elders from two churches heard his perspective, and finally sided with him in judging this was not sexual assault and dismissed any charges." So while you cannot believe the woman's story is true you do believe that the elders and abuser made a good decision. What is that choice of yours based on? You say "not to make a one sided judgment" but you judge this woman and side with the elders and abuser.
I am not sure you aware that when a person is treated inappropriately, sexually, even if you do forgive the offender from your end, if they do not apologize and if no one calls them to account, one never feels comfortable with seeing that person. You feel vulnerable and exposed. Sexual misconduct affects us deeply.
I am not sure you realize that most abuse is done by people in a place of power over the victim, it is mostly hidden, it is mostly hard to prove and most people's response is disbelief. Almost everyone tends to believe a leader or elder or person with 'standing' over a 'regular person'. There is often the assumption in churches that an elder or pastor or leader is more honorable or Godly or he was placed there by God so it could not be. Check out what David did in the Old Testament to rearrange your thoughts about this.
While you won't know you are doing this, many of your comments have triggered for me the pain of other cruel responses I have heard after talking about the abuse I suffered. Your comments could prevent many from coming forward to report abuse.
( and no, I am not going to offer proof of the abuse that was done to me, here, so I know you will be free to disbelieve or invalidate anything I say.)
I know all about walking in forgiveness and grace towards abusers. It has been a long journey of hard work to come to peace and healing. Through it all I have had some good responses from church leaders and a number of bad ones. For example:
-no response and no offers of help and no mentioning again after I did ask for help. "If you had grown up in our congregation this abuse would not have happened." "It is in the past, just let it go" "Forgive and forget" "You are a new person now -Quoting 2 Cor. 5:17 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.' therefore your past should not affect your new life in Christ" "God never gives you more than you can bare" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helpful responses always began with: "I am sorry this was done to you" "I do not know how to help you but I will try to find out" and then they followed up .
If your daughter came to tell you she has been sexually assaulted would you show care or would you say "hang on a minute, let me talk to the abuser and see what he/she says". Then when the abuser denied it would you discount your daughters words? Would you suggest she just not fuss about it because after all, who could know what the truth was about it. If your fellow church leaders did not believe her and stood up for the abuser, what would you do? "Oh well, they are good men placed in this position, their decisions must be correct."
The good thing about your comments here, (those erased and those still public) is that they help show why our entire denomination needs education about sexual abuse in the church.
I come to my computer today and see this post. I appreciate it. I am drawn to the title: Chaplain Prayers: Victims of Sexual Violence
I don't hear too many formal or public prayers for survivors (though I have heard many and prayed many in private.) But today I do not want euphemisms and polite words I want to hear someone pray with real words. I have taken the liberty of adding to your prayer. I have added some of the words i want someone to pray for me and others today. Yet, I still thank-you Rev. Trent Elders for your caring prayer for us.
Wounded Lord,
We know that you are close to the broken hearted.
We believe that you cry out in pain with those who are victims of sexual violence.
We pray for courage and healing (and for the grace to get through the next minute and the next minute and the next minute)
For those whose boundary lines have been crossed. (For those who have been raped, molested, fondled, videoed while being abused, ritually abused ....)
We pray that their image of you has not been tainted (we know their image of You has been tainted and we ask that You would gently restore it - in the way that only You can, that You would remove the deception and lies that prevent them from seeing Your great compassion for them.)
By those (parent, grandparents, siblings, relatives, teachers, church leaders, doctors, family friends . . .) who have taken selfish advantage. (who have terribly wounded them and caused such great pain and brokenness)
God , we pray that you would
Restore us to holiness
And imbue us with the joy of the sexual relationship (or at least for now the hope of the possibility for a healthy sexual relationship)
That you intended for us.
And may we see our bodies, (which many of us hate, despise, cannot bear to look at or have touched) And those of others,
Thank-you Amy for sharing your story. You had great courage. I am so sorry that you were not believed or supported in your home church and by your pastor. That was SO WRONG! I am very sad and very angry that you did not get the support you needed and should have received and were entitled to from those who were responsible under God to protect you and advocate for you. You are worthy of love and compassion and support. Keep seeking to become whole again. You will get there.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh How incredibly sad. My heart is aching for this lady and what she suffered, and her children...and all the other women this man abused, because a man like him does not usually stop there... And God's heart aches and weeps a thousand times more, because He loves us all so and does not want His children to harm anyone.
In my Christian circles there are women who stayed with abusive spouses because who was going to help them. Especially when they were taught you have to submit, the husband rules, suffering is for your good....
If church is not a safe place where anyone who asks for help will be helped and abusers will be held to account then it is not a church, it it a place of torment.
Exactly! Quote: " CRT is not our enemy, the sin of racism is our enemy." I have found that it was painful work to recognize that I was unconsciously racist. I have repented, I am learning, I see it everywhere now, I grieve this, I pray, I try to talk about it, call it out even . . . We cannot change what our forefathers did but we can definitely change what we do.
Thank-you for sharing your journey with us. You are brave to share and very caring. The repent thing is interesting isn't it? Learning to trust God is a hard lesson with many repeats. We survivors all develop unhealthy ways to cope and we believe lies -both of which take much work to deal with. As you say the work is worth it. I have found great help in Dan Allender's books. It is good to hear about his story workshop. Thank-you again for the encouragement you give us all. Blessings to you
Thank-you for telling us about yourself. You have a lot to bring to this postion. I appreciate your vision in the second to last paragraph. Welcome to Safe Church Ministry.
Welcome to your new work with Safe Church, Dr. Benkhuysen. I pray for courage, patience, perseverance and joy as you serve our denomination. May you be blessed.
Posted in: S.O.S. Sexual Assault at a Retreat by Clergy
Roger,
I do not understand why you keep harping about not knowing both sides of this story and now classifying the woman's hurt as bitterness. Really you are implying that she could be lying so she does not deserve being listened to and also that her hurt is invalid.
You seem unable to acknowledge that it could be true and that she was treated wrongly.
Instead you seem to blame her for letting the 'imagined' hurt last so long.
Sure it would be interesting/helpful/educational to know more about it, but that we don't does not automatically invalidate what she says.
While discounting this woman you state: "But I do believe these elders from two churches heard his perspective, and finally sided with him in judging this was not sexual assault and dismissed any charges." So while you cannot believe the woman's story is true you do believe that the elders and abuser made a good decision. What is that choice of yours based on? You say "not to make a one sided judgment" but you judge this woman and side with the elders and abuser.
I am not sure you aware that when a person is treated inappropriately, sexually, even if you do forgive the offender from your end, if they do not apologize and if no one calls them to account, one never feels comfortable with seeing that person. You feel vulnerable and exposed. Sexual misconduct affects us deeply.
I am not sure you realize that most abuse is done by people in a place of power over the victim, it is mostly hidden, it is mostly hard to prove and most people's response is disbelief. Almost everyone tends to believe a leader or elder or person with 'standing' over a 'regular person'. There is often the assumption in churches that an elder or pastor or leader is more honorable or Godly or he was placed there by God so it could not be. Check out what David did in the Old Testament to rearrange your thoughts about this.
While you won't know you are doing this, many of your comments have triggered for me the pain of other cruel responses I have heard after talking about the abuse I suffered. Your comments could prevent many from coming forward to report abuse.
( and no, I am not going to offer proof of the abuse that was done to me, here, so I know you will be free to disbelieve or invalidate anything I say.)
I know all about walking in forgiveness and grace towards abusers. It has been a long journey of hard work to come to peace and healing. Through it all I have had some good responses from church leaders and a number of bad ones. For example:
-no response and no offers of help and no mentioning again after I did ask for help.
"If you had grown up in our congregation this abuse would not have happened."
"It is in the past, just let it go"
"Forgive and forget"
"You are a new person now -Quoting 2 Cor. 5:17 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.' therefore your past should not affect your new life in Christ"
"God never gives you more than you can bare" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helpful responses always began with:
"I am sorry this was done to you"
"I do not know how to help you but I will try to find out" and then they followed up .
If your daughter came to tell you she has been sexually assaulted would you show care or would you say "hang on a minute, let me talk to the abuser and see what he/she says". Then when the abuser denied it would you discount your daughters words? Would you suggest she just not fuss about it because after all, who could know what the truth was about it. If your fellow church leaders did not believe her and stood up for the abuser, what would you do? "Oh well, they are good men placed in this position, their decisions must be correct."
The good thing about your comments here, (those erased and those still public) is that they help show why our entire denomination needs education about sexual abuse in the church.
Posted in: Chaplain Prayers: Victims of Sexual Violence
I come to my computer today and see this post.
I appreciate it.
I am drawn to the title:
Chaplain Prayers: Victims of Sexual Violence
I don't hear too many formal or public prayers for survivors (though I have heard many and prayed many in private.)
But today I do not want euphemisms and polite words
I want to hear someone pray with real words.
I have taken the liberty of adding to your prayer.
I have added some of the words i want someone to pray for me and others today.
Yet, I still thank-you Rev. Trent Elders for your caring prayer for us.
Wounded Lord,
We know that you are close to the broken hearted.
We believe that you cry out in pain with those who are victims of sexual violence.
We pray for courage and healing (and for the grace to get through the next minute and the next minute and the next minute)
For those whose boundary lines have been crossed. (For those who have been raped, molested, fondled, videoed while being abused, ritually abused ....)
We pray that their image of you has not been tainted (we know their image of You has been tainted and we ask that You would gently restore it - in the way that only You can, that You would remove the deception and lies that prevent them from seeing Your great compassion for them.)
By those (parent, grandparents, siblings, relatives, teachers, church leaders, doctors, family friends . . .) who have taken selfish advantage. (who have terribly wounded them and caused such great pain and brokenness)
God , we pray that you would
Restore us to holiness
And imbue us with the joy of the sexual relationship (or at least for now the hope of the possibility for a healthy sexual relationship)
That you intended for us.
And may we see our bodies, (which many of us hate, despise, cannot bear to look at or have touched)
And those of others,
As holy temples of your Spirit.
Amen
Posted in: Chaplain Prayers: Victims of Sexual Violence
Yes you may use it.
Please just use 'Jill' as the contributor and not M.Jill Hamming
Posted in: S.O.S. Amy's Story
Thank-you Amy for sharing your story.
You had great courage.
I am so sorry that you were not believed or supported in your home church and by your pastor. That was SO WRONG!
I am very sad and very angry that you did not get the support you needed and should have received and were entitled to from those who were responsible under God to protect you and advocate for you.
You are worthy of love and compassion and support.
Keep seeking to become whole again. You will get there.
Posted in: S.O.S. My Sister's Story
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
How incredibly sad. My heart is aching for this lady and what she suffered, and her children...and all the other women this man abused, because a man like him does not usually stop there...
And God's heart aches and weeps a thousand times more, because He loves us all so and does not want His children to harm anyone.
In my Christian circles there are women who stayed with abusive spouses because who was going to help them. Especially when they were taught you have to submit, the husband rules, suffering is for your good....
If church is not a safe place where anyone who asks for help will be helped and abusers will be held to account then it is not a church, it it a place of torment.
Posted in: Ten Ways To Make Your Church a Safer Place
http://www.careleader.org/encouraging-people-open-trauma/?utm_source=CareLeaderNewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=CareLeaderWeeklyArticles&utm_content=incopy-textlink2-wk061-A-1-langberg&utm_campaign=website&utm_source=church_initiative&utm_medium=email
read this today and thought it helpful
Posted in: Tips/Resources for Introducing Prayer Partners?
Do you mean you want to teach these women to pray together in pairs or small groups?
Do they pray out loud, in group, at the present time?
Posted in: Fear, Flukes & Critical Race Theory
Exactly!
Quote: " CRT is not our enemy, the sin of racism is our enemy."
I have found that it was painful work to recognize that I was unconsciously racist. I have repented, I am learning, I see it everywhere now, I grieve this, I pray, I try to talk about it, call it out even . . .
We cannot change what our forefathers did but we can definitely change what we do.
Posted in: S.O.S. Part 3: My Journey of Recognizing, Remembering, and Processing Abuse
Thank-you for sharing your journey with us.
You are brave to share and very caring.
The repent thing is interesting isn't it? Learning to trust God is a hard lesson with many repeats.
We survivors all develop unhealthy ways to cope and we believe lies -both of which take much work to deal with.
As you say the work is worth it.
I have found great help in Dan Allender's books. It is good to hear about his story workshop.
Thank-you again for the encouragement you give us all.
Blessings to you
Posted in: A Fine Balance: Creating a Safe Space for All While Welcoming a Sexual Offender
Thank-you for sharing this document.
Much work and care has gone into it.
May all churches follow this example of thoughtful care.
Posted in: New Director, Amanda Benckhuysen: "Why I Want to Work With Safe Church Ministry"
Thank-you for telling us about yourself.
You have a lot to bring to this postion.
I appreciate your vision in the second to last paragraph.
Welcome to Safe Church Ministry.
Posted in: Welcoming Dr. Amanda Benkhuysen as Director of Safe Church Ministry
Welcome to your new work with Safe Church, Dr. Benkhuysen.
I pray for courage, patience, perseverance and joy as you serve our denomination. May you be blessed.