Bonnie Nicholas

I also have referred many people to "A Cry for Justice" website (both before and after the CRC "made the list") because it has many good resources that are helpful in understanding abuse, which is a necessary first step to respond appropriately. Keeping churches safer is a good place for Safe Church Ministry to start, but our mandate goes beyond that - I'd encourage you to take a look at some of the resources on our website www.crcna.org/safechurch. On the left hand sidebar click on "Additional Information" and you will find additional resources on domestic violence. In addition - a ready-made PowerPoint presentation about domestic violence is also available  - click on the left hand side bar "Resources for Safe Church Teams". That presentation, along with other domestic violence resources is a part of our Safe Church team training notebook. In addition, many workshops and educational events on the topic have been presented for Safe Church team training events, in churches, and at classis meetings. We are working to equip Safe Church team members to speak to the issue of domestic violence which affects so many people in our churches.

I'm looking forward to placing more of our Safe Church resources on the new Network - so they will be searchable and more easily accessible.

The survey presented to synod in 1992 (which led to forming the office now known as Safe Church Ministry) revealed that 85% of the abuse reported happened in the home - only 4% at church. So to ignore abuse that happens outside of church is to ignore an issue that affects a lot of people, many of whom are in our churches. There is great opportunity for ministry to those who have been impacted by this kind of abuse.

Please also feel free to contact Safe Church Ministry for additional assistance. I have been working in the field of domestic and sexual violence for many years before accepting the position as director of Safe Church Ministry. I have a passion to see churches respond in helpful ways. If you share that passion; consider joining in the work of Safe Church Ministry. As another responder pointed out - we have a long way to go. You (or others reading this post) can become part of the solution.

Thanks for posting this Rachel - respect is critical in preventing abuse; and in being the kind of community that our Lord is calling us to be as his church, his body, in this world. It's one of the ways we can "shine like stars" in a world where disrespect is far too common.

I'm happy to be a part of a church that is moving in a direction contrary to the trend - we increased in membership over the last year, thanks be to God; though we have also recently had years of declining membership as well. In my position as denominational director of Safe Church Ministry over the last 2 years, I have talked directly with probably 100 people or more who have left the CRC, and some who, sadly, have left their faith entirely. Their reasons for leaving have to do with the way they feel that they've been treated by pastors and/or church leaders in the CRC. They felt unable to share their own opinions honestly, especially when they went against the majority opinion; they felt that church leaders did not listen to them and never heard their concerns; they felt coerced, intimidated, manipulated, or abused by those in power in their church.

If we are concerned with declining numbers in our pews, we must look at models for church leadership. Leaders who do not follow Jesus' way of humble, servant leadership are turning people away from our churches. I see and hear about it on an almost daily basis. In this Christmas season we celebrate Jesus, who came down from heaven for our sakes, humbled himself in obedience, even to suffer death on a cross. We are called, as a community, to follow his way. I'm afraid that we have instead become products of our culture, which contrary to the Gospel, uses power for it's own gain. Our leaders must show a different way, the way of Jesus. As we lift up Christ, and follow his way, he will draw people to himself and to our communities.

I am not a language scholar - but I've heard that the word "go" could be translated "as you are going". We don't need to go far away to have cross-cultural and soul transforming experiences. They are all around us "as we are going". There are homeless shelters, places where street people gather, domestic violence shelters, community centers, all kinds of support groups, migrant workers, home health aides, our neighbors, store clerks, etc. I hope that the Excellence and Justice in Short Term Missions Think Tank will think of these opportunities as well.

There are some underlying issues here - Of course we would like people to be loyal to their CRC church - but that should certainly not be the only reason they attend! The goal must not be to have a group of people who come to church out of a dutiful sense of loyaly, or because they've always attended that church. The goal is a vital community with the Lord (including the Spirit) and with one another.

If the reason a church leader would contact a non-attending member is to "check up" on them because they are concerned about keeping the church's numbers up; that's a serious problem. People enjoy being genuinely cared for - and even missed. A call to say we missed you on Sunday, showing concern for a person including their spiritual health is apprecicated - I don't see how that's anything like being called into a principle's office - unless of course the only reason the person is attending is out of a sense of loyal duty.

Thanks for your post Rachel - teaching our children personal safety is so, so important in today's world where the risk of abuse is high. The two websites listed 'kids in the know' and 'door that's not locked' provide excellent resources for families who are concerned with protecting their children from abuse.

Churches must also do their part; in collaboration with other community partners, churches have an important role to play in the protection of children. That's why Safe Church is promoting Circle of Grace. It helps our children understand that all people are created in the image of their creator, and live always in God's loving presence in their circle of grace. It affirms the sacredness of all relationships, and gives deeper reasons for treating one another with dignity and respect. This is something that secular programs cannot do, this message must come from the church.

Excellent post - THANK YOU!

It's important to remember that a relationship with a person is never one-on-one; because the Lord is also present. Our relationships are sacred. Life stories are precious. When someone shares with you, consider it a precious gift and a sacred trust. It's always a good idea to get permission before sharing anything, any part of another person's story. We must follow Christ's example and consider the interest of others before our own interests (see Philippians 2).

As a licensed social worker, I have learned that an exception to the rule of confidentiality occurs when someone is in imminent danger of harm to themself or to others, then a decision must be made regarding sharing information. It's also good to let people know that up front, if possible. "If I believe that you are a danger to yourself or to others, this conversation will not be confidential, I will seek help - please consider that as you decide what to share with me in confidence during our time together".

I say this often - God gave us two ears and only one mouth for a reason - He wants us to listen more than speak. Trying to "fix" someone goes way outside our role as ministers of God's love and grace. The Gospel says that only Jesus can truly "fix" anyone - and that includes each one of us - we're in this together.

Hi Kory, I appreciate your blog. I attended my first synod (two years ago, not having grown up in the CRC). I was truly amazed at the respectful dialog that took place, amid the passion people felt on all sides of an issue,and  frustration and disagreement about the issue's relevance. I was encouraged. My second synod (last year) was a very draining and discouraging experience for me, closer to the politics and agendas; it almost lead me to despair for this denomination. Yet here I am this year at Synod, wondering what will happen now, knowing that the Lord is here with us as we struggle in our human frailty to honor him. I am praying that the Holy Spirit will fall down on open hearts; that we will be able to recieve all that the Lord has for us here, at Synod 2013. May he use this gathering to build his kingdom, and may He have mercy on the church that bears his name. God bless synod 2013.

Thanks for the good info Rachel. There are tons of good resources on the RAINN website.

What strikes me when I look over the list of "reducing your risk" is how all the focus is on the one potentially victimized. We must also focus on how to stop those who perpetrate rape and sexual assault. We need to change attitudes that prevent disclosure and keep this issue hidden. We need to make changes to the criminal justice system to increase the conviction rate (a proven deterrent). Sexual assault and rape will stop when the perpetrators stop doing it, period. There are times when no amount of tips for reducing risk will prevent it. (See 2 Samuel 13 for a case study)

And, perhaps against better judgement, I have to mention gender here. When I worked on campus, I helped lead seminars about sexual assault and rape. One of the activities was asking all the men in the room what things they did on a regular basis so that they would not be raped. I got lots of blank stares, and sometimes a few answers. Then we asked the same question to all the women in the room. I check my car before I get in; I leave work before dark; I hold my key ready to use as a weapon; I carry pepper spray; I never walk alone; and the answers went on and on and on.  It was an eye-opening exercise for the men in the room who didn't understand the experience of living in fear of sexual assault, which  was common for most of their women colleagues. I believe a culture change is needed - Male or female, sexual assault and rape are NOT OK.  We, as the Church, must be champions and stand for protecting the dignity of all people, and an end to sexual assault.

Thanks for the post and the comments!

Check out resources at http://www.acalltomen.org/ - An organization dedicated to creating a world where all men and boys are loving and respectful and all women and girls are valued and safe.