I grew up in the CRC, and am still here, along with my family. I'm married to Daryl, who has a construction business. I had a CPA license for 10 or so years, then I added EX to the front, and MOM to the back, so now I'm an EX CPA, MOM =). I am MOM to Duncan, Ian and Samantha. Our family also owns a raspberry farm, and in the summers we get to work out there together.
Bless your heart, Joshua, yes, abusive behavior in the Church is an area that is especially on my heart over the last several years, as God has opened my eyes in a variety of ways to the extent of this that has been going on in the Church... and I'm sure I've not even seen the tip of the iceberg. This is such a huge issue, and it has been so well hidden... personally, I've been blessed and protected and I thank God for that, but it also made me very naive and unaware... until 2011, God started bringing a number of situations to my attention and the eyes of my heart was opened to see these patterns of abuse and cover-up via manipulation and deception going on on our watch. And then finding out how bringing this into the light is a threat to leaders. I'm still processing that part =( It's been one of those "unwritten rules" that it's not talked about (that would be gossip right? =( see #3 of things not to say to someone who has been hurt by the Church) because I really had very little idea before 4 years ago, and when you do talk about it, you run into opposition and resistance that is unbelievable, including accusations of gossip, slander, and divisiveness.
Here's another quote from Bonhoeffer: “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” This is our watch!
and here are several more difficult, but insightful posts from Boz Tchividjian:
and these 2 articles about patterns of abuse that nails what a friend experienced in the CRC... and it makes me wonder how often varying degrees of these patterns are occurring at the expense of those who were harmed and violated, because we/CRC are very good at keeping this kind of thing hidden, under the rug, as much as possible (think non-disclosure agreements/NDA's)... God's way is to bring these patterns of abuse into the light. As one pastor said to me, "confidentiality is killing us"... and I have nothing good to say about NDA's. anyway, lots of thoughts, this is a huge topic, but praying for the Spirit to work in all our hearts, His way, His wisdom for the Church to walk more fully in the potential He has for us... we need to be open and obedient to Him. Walking in holiness is a key part of walking in the power of the HOLY Spirit.
oh, in case you aren't familiar with this sermon, this is my favorite sermon that I've ever heard from the book of Judges, I read it several times a year, sometimes more often (there are audio options as well if you prefer)... Paris Reidhead and 10 Shekels and a shirt based on Judges 17/18
=) thanks for your graciousness of my ignorance re Star Wars details... I was informed by my family that it was a rogue storm trooper, not a droid... so I apologize for my inaccurate description...
I know this is months after the original post... I struggle with how the Church has expanded and elevated confidentiality to conform to the patterns of the world instead of to scripture... ie.. attorney client privilege, pastor-penitent privilege, the confidentiality of the "confessional", robert's rules of executive and strict executive session, non-disclosure agreements... as one pastor shared with me... confidentiality is killing us... there is something very unhealthy with the way we, the Church, practice confidentiality... God's way is to bring things into the light so that it may be clearly seen that is was His way... the enemy's ways is to keep things hidden in darkness out of fear...
I Timothy 5 says to publicly rebuke a leader who is sinning, in the presence of ALL, without partiality, that the rest may fear and as a warning. and of course the 3 steps of Matthew 18... with the 2nd and 3rd expanding it beyond 2 people. Of course we do this with wisdom and discernment (see Bonnie's comment), but somehow we have sacrificed justice on behalf of those harmed on the altar of confidentiality. A significant reason is protecting reputations, especially if we like the person who did the wrong and so are not impartial and want to defend our friend, our colleague... so we protect the reputation of the one who did the harm, instead of protecting the dignity of those harmed (although leaders will say that they are protecting the reputation of the one bringing the charges, but they are empty words because in reality it is damage control and cover-up because this secrecy actually does more harm, and instead of validating, this response ends up being as harmful if not more so than the original situation and traumatizes further instead of being part of the healing process - there is a reason that many who have been harmed by the Church struggle with post traumatic stress).
I'm pretty sure that is not what God intended in Proverbs about keeping people's secrets.
totally agree Bonnie... and in the secular world I feel this happens more often than not, that the one harmed is given the choice... in the Church, not so much... and I think because the response of the Church is often so hurtful (the one harmed gets blamed, discredited, shunned, the abuse is minimized, dismissed, get over it, move on, let it go, forgive, what's the big deal, nobody's perfect, etc. the abuse is invalidated in so many ways), even if someone is given a choice, that is a significant reason someone would choose to keep it silent if they are given the choice... they are already so vulnerable and unfortunately going public would open them up to more hurt and pain, etc. from the Church instead of the justice and healing that the Church is called to on their behalf... but usually if it's kept silent in the church the purpose is more in the interest of protecting the reputation of the person who did the abuse (especially if it's a well-liked leader).
and then I came across this statement a few days ago, that made me think about this discussion on confidentiality... from Unholy Charade (p 114, 2015, Justice Keepers Publishing, Jeff Crippen, Rebecca Davis)
God does not want us to keep evil in the Church a secret. EOQ
and that lines up with John 3, where it's the enemy who wants to keep evil things in the dark. So the point is, that confidentiality isn't a cover for the enemy.
I'm wondering if we need an advocacy ministry that is somehow separate from any particular denomination or congregation. When the church pays a person's salary... there is too much potential for the employer to exert control/influence over that person and can make it really, really hard for the person to do the right thing, when there job/pay is threatened... however, even if a ministry is independent, church leaders can subtly sabotage that ministry if they feel threatened. the impartiality/avoiding conflict of interest seems to be very difficult in Church leadership in abuse situations... it's one of my concerns... maybe i'm wrong, but I'm really wrestling with that aspect.
several thoughts... agree with Frank on the prayer... it seems we have mostly missed the prayer side of Acts 6:4 and they devoted themselves to prayer and the ministry of the Word. One person shared how in a pastor search survey, 85 qualifications were listed and not one of them was a person of prayer...
and agree on focus on youth... somewhere is a statistic that 85% of believers made a commitment to Jesus by the age of 17... they are the biggest mission field... let's not miss the opportunity that is right in front of us...
and then a generally unaddressed area that i question... the prophetic... it seems historically, we/crc have indirectly and quietly married the office of pastor and prophet through preaching... our forms for ordination indicate this when in the form for pastor ordination in an established congregation it mentions that "through the pastor God Himself speaks"... and that when we "receive this man as a prophet we will receive a prophet's reward"... sometimes that's the case, but interestingly, this same language is NOT used for the missionary, evangelist, or elders and deacons... it seems historically we have been fairly exclusive and unbiblical in assigning the gift of prophecy essentially solely to the pastor (and i have heard comments from crc members/leaders to this effect)... this gift is for ALL flesh per Acts 2/Joel 2 which includes the missionary, evangelist, elders, deacons AND everyone else... not saying pastors don't have this gift, but it is NOT exclusive to them as it seems from the ordination forms... since this type of language is not mentioned anywhere else as far as I can tell, it seems there is a CRC perception that the pastor is the only one who can "hear" God and speak prophetically. Not true, and I think this is limiting/quenching the Spirit in ways that we don't intend to. So on the one hand, i hear the crc saying... prophet = ordained pastor + pulpit... a man made equation... being an ordained pastor does not give anyone a blanket covering for being a prophet too, scripture mentions them as 2 different ministries, just like teachers and evangelists - we don't do this with any of the other callings mentioned in Eph 4...
on the other hand, being a pastor does not exclude pastors from the prophetic gift either, but it definitely is NOT limited to ordained pastors only or even primarily.
The prophetic is something hardly recognized in the crc for various reasons, but when it seems it is almost exclusive to the office of ordained pastor, whether intentional or not, it is something that's needs to be addressed and understood further.
Les Mis is one of my favorite stories...however, this is making me go hmmm... I get the concept and it sounds nice and very politically correct, so we aren't "sinners" anymore, instead people who make poor choices/mistakes sometimes... and yes, sometimes the scripture lists it as those who do certain sinful things.... ie those who are greedy or see Galatians 5:19-21 for a list of sins.
also, I do struggle when people quote that all our deeds are filthy rags, and every intent of our heart is evil, instead of giving Jesus the glory for giving us, as believers, a new heart and making us a new creation in Him, and through His blood, cleansing those filthy rags into fine linen worthy of His Bride (Rev 19:8).. absolutely, we have a new identity in Christ.
but Apostle Paul uses all kinds of labels (I Cor 5:9-13)... Jesus did too... "brood of vipers" =( ouch! not exactly PC... He didn't say "oh you people who act like snakes sometimes"... and "blind guides" - not, "these people who don't see clearly all the time"... He called Judas a "devil"... He called people wicked and perverse... definitely not "nice" or politically correct, it's part of what got Him killed...
I know it seems harsh in our politically correct culture, but unless we have been translating the Word of God wrong, there is biblical precedent for "labeling" in scripture... it seems, particularly for those who were expected to be spiritual, but were actually walking in sin and un-repentance.
the following is an excerpt from the hope of survivors website which is about abuse by spiritual leaders (those who have authority/power in the Church):
To summarize what Marie M. Fortune wrote in her book, Is Nothing Sacred?, the proper steps to take when implementing justice and mercy (based on Micah 6:8) include:
1. Truth-telling (breaking the silence of the abuse)
2. Acknowledging the violation (in hearing the truth, the church acknowledges the violation)
3. Compassion (means to “suffer with,” to be present, acknowledge and listen, even when you can’t solve the problem)
4. Protecting the vulnerable (prevent further harm)
5. Accountability (based on Luke 17:1-4, it begins with confrontation and should end in repentance)
6. Restitution (making payment for damages is a concrete means of renewing right-relation)
7. Vindication (for the victim, it most often means exoneration and justification)
thanks for being willing to look deeper, Robin... control is a huge issue (probably most abuse is about control) -and the control will manifest financially in different ways, as well as in other areas. Control is not only an issue in relationships, but also in the Church... it can be so subtle and hard to see... and one struggles with is it real or imagined (spiritual/emotional abuse v physical/sexual abuse)... a comment from an article on church abuse...
BOQ... But in the many many months I have spent on studying abusive churches and abusive tactics, there is a very common theme and many common words that churches use that are a substitute for "control". EOQ
if you've experienced it, you can discern the control lingo that's been spiritualized (which becomes spiritual abuse)... here's an example this same person uses in another comment and her take on it... the quoted part of the following excerpt is from a church website:
BOQ..."Finally, we understand that we will encounter some very significant challenges that may require the services of an outside trained professional counselor. If necessary, we can refer people to a trusted professional who employs a gospel-centered counseling approach, and who will work together with our community to help shepherd hurting people." In other words. If we decide you do need counseling, it will be with someone who we decide is appropriate. I've been around the block on that. I understand the wording. EOQ
I am amazed at those who have been abused/manipulated by leaders in the Church, how they pick up on this type of "control" and perceive it much quicker than those who have not experienced such abuse and manipulation... the statements of leaders looks good, sounds good, but there's something amiss and those who've been on the wrong end of it, recognize the loopholes in it, while those who are in leadership often do not... and that's why discernment is such a needed gift for the Bride of Christ. hope that makes sense!
bless your heart, Robin, for being willing to speak out here =)
here's a comment I found while reading a blog last night...
BOQ...Financial security is usually an issue in abusive situations, especially if there are kids involved. ... - abusers usually control everything, including the finances. Threatening complete financial abandonment if not compliant, and dangling "carrots" like trips, jewelry, etc. Both manipulations designed to make her stay, and stay in the fog of confusion. EOQ
and there is a big difference between self control (fruit of the Spirit) and manipulative control (fruit of the enemy)...
you probably have already read this... but just in case you haven't and have some time to read it (even if just the introduction of the report)... the link includes a link to the 300 page report that came out of the independent investigation.... I give Bob Jones considerable credit for carrying through with this investigation on their culture regarding sexual abuse...
one of the areas I struggle with on this is we like to "be prophetic critics of the waste, injustice, and selfishness in our society,..." (Ordination of elders and deacons, GPH p1005), that's cool, relevant, makes us (the Church) look good and it's "safe"... however, if we actually follow the biblical charge from Paul in I Cor 5:12 to judge inside the church and not outside, this statement is exactly backwards... we are actually called to be prophetic critics of the injustice in the Church, (of course starting with ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit)... and as you suggested, this doesn't go over well.... at all! because we/the Church will not look good...
here's a quote from Global trauma recovery website: BOQ It is a sad fact that many organizations (church/denom), when faced with the choice of protecting an abusive leader or victim, choose to protect the leader (and thus the organization) rather than the victims of that abuse. All too often, victims report that the failure of the system to respond well to their cries for help cause more harm than the original abuse. EOQ
so not only is the Church not helping the person who has been "oppressed"/victimized, too many times, we are actually making it worse and become part of the problem. The response of the Church is even worse to the victim, when leadership feels threatened over the exposure of the ungodly conduct.
when this ungodly behavior is threatened to be exposed in the Church, instead of transparency, we find secrecy, silence, and cover up, instead of integrity, we find manipulation, intimidation and deception (it's often very subtle ie...technically not a lie, but effectively very misleading), and instead of purity, we find abusive type behaviors including emotional and spiritual abuse to shun, dismiss, etc those who have been hurt or much worse because of the ungodly behavior... i could list numerous examples of this unbiblical response in the Church, including our beloved crc... and i find that is what people outside the church see very clearly... we are only fooling ourselves, not God, and not those outside the Church...
God calls us His people to humble ourselves, pray, seek His face and turn from our wicked ways.... He did not give this charge to the world/unbelievers, but to us, His people.
hmmm... maybe the Church could try that with elder and deacon selection? it's done to some extent, but this probably takes it beyond the level most churches select their council members? or not?
Posted in: Forming Men of Faith
Bless your heart, Joshua, yes, abusive behavior in the Church is an area that is especially on my heart over the last several years, as God has opened my eyes in a variety of ways to the extent of this that has been going on in the Church... and I'm sure I've not even seen the tip of the iceberg. This is such a huge issue, and it has been so well hidden... personally, I've been blessed and protected and I thank God for that, but it also made me very naive and unaware... until 2011, God started bringing a number of situations to my attention and the eyes of my heart was opened to see these patterns of abuse and cover-up via manipulation and deception going on on our watch. And then finding out how bringing this into the light is a threat to leaders. I'm still processing that part =( It's been one of those "unwritten rules" that it's not talked about (that would be gossip right? =( see #3 of things not to say to someone who has been hurt by the Church) because I really had very little idea before 4 years ago, and when you do talk about it, you run into opposition and resistance that is unbelievable, including accusations of gossip, slander, and divisiveness.
Here's another quote from Bonhoeffer: “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” This is our watch!
and here are several more difficult, but insightful posts from Boz Tchividjian:
http://boz.religionnews.com/2015/12/07/spotlight-its-not-just-a-catholic-problem/ (this is a very sobering movie that every Christian leader needs to watch on the abuse of power in the Church, covering up wrong doing at the expense of those abused)
and these 2 articles about patterns of abuse that nails what a friend experienced in the CRC... and it makes me wonder how often varying degrees of these patterns are occurring at the expense of those who were harmed and violated, because we/CRC are very good at keeping this kind of thing hidden, under the rug, as much as possible (think non-disclosure agreements/NDA's)... God's way is to bring these patterns of abuse into the light. As one pastor said to me, "confidentiality is killing us"... and I have nothing good to say about NDA's. anyway, lots of thoughts, this is a huge topic, but praying for the Spirit to work in all our hearts, His way, His wisdom for the Church to walk more fully in the potential He has for us... we need to be open and obedient to Him. Walking in holiness is a key part of walking in the power of the HOLY Spirit.
http://boz.religionnews.com/2015/05/15/a-grand-deception-the-successful-response-of-sex-offenders/
http://boz.religionnews.com/2015/08/28/false-narratives-of-christian-leaders-caught-in-abuse/
oh, in case you aren't familiar with this sermon, this is my favorite sermon that I've ever heard from the book of Judges, I read it several times a year, sometimes more often (there are audio options as well if you prefer)... Paris Reidhead and 10 Shekels and a shirt based on Judges 17/18
http://www.parisreidheadbibleteachingministries.org/pdf/tenshekels.pdf
Posted in: Forming Men of Faith
=) thanks for your graciousness of my ignorance re Star Wars details... I was informed by my family that it was a rogue storm trooper, not a droid... so I apologize for my inaccurate description...
Posted in: Counting Voices
I know this is months after the original post... I struggle with how the Church has expanded and elevated confidentiality to conform to the patterns of the world instead of to scripture... ie.. attorney client privilege, pastor-penitent privilege, the confidentiality of the "confessional", robert's rules of executive and strict executive session, non-disclosure agreements... as one pastor shared with me... confidentiality is killing us... there is something very unhealthy with the way we, the Church, practice confidentiality... God's way is to bring things into the light so that it may be clearly seen that is was His way... the enemy's ways is to keep things hidden in darkness out of fear...
I Timothy 5 says to publicly rebuke a leader who is sinning, in the presence of ALL, without partiality, that the rest may fear and as a warning. and of course the 3 steps of Matthew 18... with the 2nd and 3rd expanding it beyond 2 people. Of course we do this with wisdom and discernment (see Bonnie's comment), but somehow we have sacrificed justice on behalf of those harmed on the altar of confidentiality. A significant reason is protecting reputations, especially if we like the person who did the wrong and so are not impartial and want to defend our friend, our colleague... so we protect the reputation of the one who did the harm, instead of protecting the dignity of those harmed (although leaders will say that they are protecting the reputation of the one bringing the charges, but they are empty words because in reality it is damage control and cover-up because this secrecy actually does more harm, and instead of validating, this response ends up being as harmful if not more so than the original situation and traumatizes further instead of being part of the healing process - there is a reason that many who have been harmed by the Church struggle with post traumatic stress).
I'm pretty sure that is not what God intended in Proverbs about keeping people's secrets.
Posted in: Counting Voices
totally agree Bonnie... and in the secular world I feel this happens more often than not, that the one harmed is given the choice... in the Church, not so much... and I think because the response of the Church is often so hurtful (the one harmed gets blamed, discredited, shunned, the abuse is minimized, dismissed, get over it, move on, let it go, forgive, what's the big deal, nobody's perfect, etc. the abuse is invalidated in so many ways), even if someone is given a choice, that is a significant reason someone would choose to keep it silent if they are given the choice... they are already so vulnerable and unfortunately going public would open them up to more hurt and pain, etc. from the Church instead of the justice and healing that the Church is called to on their behalf... but usually if it's kept silent in the church the purpose is more in the interest of protecting the reputation of the person who did the abuse (especially if it's a well-liked leader).
and then I came across this statement a few days ago, that made me think about this discussion on confidentiality... from Unholy Charade (p 114, 2015, Justice Keepers Publishing, Jeff Crippen, Rebecca Davis)
God does not want us to keep evil in the Church a secret. EOQ
and that lines up with John 3, where it's the enemy who wants to keep evil things in the dark. So the point is, that confidentiality isn't a cover for the enemy.
I'm wondering if we need an advocacy ministry that is somehow separate from any particular denomination or congregation. When the church pays a person's salary... there is too much potential for the employer to exert control/influence over that person and can make it really, really hard for the person to do the right thing, when there job/pay is threatened... however, even if a ministry is independent, church leaders can subtly sabotage that ministry if they feel threatened. the impartiality/avoiding conflict of interest seems to be very difficult in Church leadership in abuse situations... it's one of my concerns... maybe i'm wrong, but I'm really wrestling with that aspect.
Posted in: The Evolution of the Pastoral Ministry
several thoughts... agree with Frank on the prayer... it seems we have mostly missed the prayer side of Acts 6:4 and they devoted themselves to prayer and the ministry of the Word. One person shared how in a pastor search survey, 85 qualifications were listed and not one of them was a person of prayer...
and agree on focus on youth... somewhere is a statistic that 85% of believers made a commitment to Jesus by the age of 17... they are the biggest mission field... let's not miss the opportunity that is right in front of us...
and then a generally unaddressed area that i question... the prophetic... it seems historically, we/crc have indirectly and quietly married the office of pastor and prophet through preaching... our forms for ordination indicate this when in the form for pastor ordination in an established congregation it mentions that "through the pastor God Himself speaks"... and that when we "receive this man as a prophet we will receive a prophet's reward"... sometimes that's the case, but interestingly, this same language is NOT used for the missionary, evangelist, or elders and deacons... it seems historically we have been fairly exclusive and unbiblical in assigning the gift of prophecy essentially solely to the pastor (and i have heard comments from crc members/leaders to this effect)... this gift is for ALL flesh per Acts 2/Joel 2 which includes the missionary, evangelist, elders, deacons AND everyone else... not saying pastors don't have this gift, but it is NOT exclusive to them as it seems from the ordination forms... since this type of language is not mentioned anywhere else as far as I can tell, it seems there is a CRC perception that the pastor is the only one who can "hear" God and speak prophetically. Not true, and I think this is limiting/quenching the Spirit in ways that we don't intend to. So on the one hand, i hear the crc saying... prophet = ordained pastor + pulpit... a man made equation... being an ordained pastor does not give anyone a blanket covering for being a prophet too, scripture mentions them as 2 different ministries, just like teachers and evangelists - we don't do this with any of the other callings mentioned in Eph 4...
on the other hand, being a pastor does not exclude pastors from the prophetic gift either, but it definitely is NOT limited to ordained pastors only or even primarily.
The prophetic is something hardly recognized in the crc for various reasons, but when it seems it is almost exclusive to the office of ordained pastor, whether intentional or not, it is something that's needs to be addressed and understood further.
Posted in: What’s in a Name?
Les Mis is one of my favorite stories...however, this is making me go hmmm... I get the concept and it sounds nice and very politically correct, so we aren't "sinners" anymore, instead people who make poor choices/mistakes sometimes... and yes, sometimes the scripture lists it as those who do certain sinful things.... ie those who are greedy or see Galatians 5:19-21 for a list of sins.
also, I do struggle when people quote that all our deeds are filthy rags, and every intent of our heart is evil, instead of giving Jesus the glory for giving us, as believers, a new heart and making us a new creation in Him, and through His blood, cleansing those filthy rags into fine linen worthy of His Bride (Rev 19:8).. absolutely, we have a new identity in Christ.
but Apostle Paul uses all kinds of labels (I Cor 5:9-13)... Jesus did too... "brood of vipers" =( ouch! not exactly PC... He didn't say "oh you people who act like snakes sometimes"... and "blind guides" - not, "these people who don't see clearly all the time"... He called Judas a "devil"... He called people wicked and perverse... definitely not "nice" or politically correct, it's part of what got Him killed...
I know it seems harsh in our politically correct culture, but unless we have been translating the Word of God wrong, there is biblical precedent for "labeling" in scripture... it seems, particularly for those who were expected to be spiritual, but were actually walking in sin and un-repentance.
Posted in: Breaking the Silence: A Question of Culture
the following is an excerpt from the hope of survivors website which is about abuse by spiritual leaders (those who have authority/power in the Church):
To summarize what Marie M. Fortune wrote in her book, Is Nothing Sacred?, the proper steps to take when implementing justice and mercy (based on Micah 6:8) include:
1. Truth-telling (breaking the silence of the abuse)
2. Acknowledging the violation (in hearing the truth, the church acknowledges the violation)
3. Compassion (means to “suffer with,” to be present, acknowledge and listen, even when you can’t solve the problem)
4. Protecting the vulnerable (prevent further harm)
5. Accountability (based on Luke 17:1-4, it begins with confrontation and should end in repentance)
6. Restitution (making payment for damages is a concrete means of renewing right-relation)
7. Vindication (for the victim, it most often means exoneration and justification)
The bottom line: TAKE RESPONSIBILITY–DON’T HIDE!
Posted in: Ties That Bind
thanks for being willing to look deeper, Robin... control is a huge issue (probably most abuse is about control) -and the control will manifest financially in different ways, as well as in other areas. Control is not only an issue in relationships, but also in the Church... it can be so subtle and hard to see... and one struggles with is it real or imagined (spiritual/emotional abuse v physical/sexual abuse)... a comment from an article on church abuse...
BOQ... But in the many many months I have spent on studying abusive churches and abusive tactics, there is a very common theme and many common words that churches use that are a substitute for "control". EOQ
if you've experienced it, you can discern the control lingo that's been spiritualized (which becomes spiritual abuse)... here's an example this same person uses in another comment and her take on it... the quoted part of the following excerpt is from a church website:
BOQ..."Finally, we understand that we will encounter some very significant challenges that may require the services of an outside trained professional counselor. If necessary, we can refer people to a trusted professional who employs a gospel-centered counseling approach, and who will work together with our community to help shepherd hurting people." In other words. If we decide you do need counseling, it will be with someone who we decide is appropriate. I've been around the block on that. I understand the wording. EOQ
I am amazed at those who have been abused/manipulated by leaders in the Church, how they pick up on this type of "control" and perceive it much quicker than those who have not experienced such abuse and manipulation... the statements of leaders looks good, sounds good, but there's something amiss and those who've been on the wrong end of it, recognize the loopholes in it, while those who are in leadership often do not... and that's why discernment is such a needed gift for the Bride of Christ. hope that makes sense!
Posted in: Ties That Bind
bless your heart, Robin, for being willing to speak out here =)
here's a comment I found while reading a blog last night...
BOQ...Financial security is usually an issue in abusive situations, especially if there are kids involved. ... - abusers usually control everything, including the finances. Threatening complete financial abandonment if not compliant, and dangling "carrots" like trips, jewelry, etc. Both manipulations designed to make her stay, and stay in the fog of confusion. EOQ
and there is a big difference between self control (fruit of the Spirit) and manipulative control (fruit of the enemy)...
Posted in: Breaking the Silence: A Question of Culture
you probably have already read this... but just in case you haven't and have some time to read it (even if just the introduction of the report)... the link includes a link to the 300 page report that came out of the independent investigation.... I give Bob Jones considerable credit for carrying through with this investigation on their culture regarding sexual abuse...
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/12/us/bob-jones-university-sex-assault-victim-study.html?_r=1
Posted in: Hypocrisy
one of the areas I struggle with on this is we like to "be prophetic critics of the waste, injustice, and selfishness in our society,..." (Ordination of elders and deacons, GPH p1005), that's cool, relevant, makes us (the Church) look good and it's "safe"... however, if we actually follow the biblical charge from Paul in I Cor 5:12 to judge inside the church and not outside, this statement is exactly backwards... we are actually called to be prophetic critics of the injustice in the Church, (of course starting with ourselves with the help of the Holy Spirit)... and as you suggested, this doesn't go over well.... at all! because we/the Church will not look good...
here's a quote from Global trauma recovery website:
BOQ It is a sad fact that many organizations (church/denom), when faced with the choice of protecting an abusive leader or victim, choose to protect the leader (and thus the organization) rather than the victims of that abuse. All too often, victims report that the failure of the system to respond well to their cries for help cause more harm than the original abuse. EOQ
so not only is the Church not helping the person who has been "oppressed"/victimized, too many times, we are actually making it worse and become part of the problem. The response of the Church is even worse to the victim, when leadership feels threatened over the exposure of the ungodly conduct.
when this ungodly behavior is threatened to be exposed in the Church, instead of transparency, we find secrecy, silence, and cover up, instead of integrity, we find manipulation, intimidation and deception (it's often very subtle ie...technically not a lie, but effectively very misleading), and instead of purity, we find abusive type behaviors including emotional and spiritual abuse to shun, dismiss, etc those who have been hurt or much worse because of the ungodly behavior... i could list numerous examples of this unbiblical response in the Church, including our beloved crc... and i find that is what people outside the church see very clearly... we are only fooling ourselves, not God, and not those outside the Church...
God calls us His people to humble ourselves, pray, seek His face and turn from our wicked ways.... He did not give this charge to the world/unbelievers, but to us, His people.
Posted in: Hiring: A Practice in Spiritual Discernment
hmmm... maybe the Church could try that with elder and deacon selection? it's done to some extent, but this probably takes it beyond the level most churches select their council members? or not?