Thrive (CRCNA)

This article has generated a great deal of discussion. The author of this article has provided the final comment (below) and comments are now closed on this post. Thank you for your participation.

I am the woman who wrote the account of sexual assault by clergy at a retreat. When my article was first posted, the last comment feed entry I had read was on Sept. 10 before my husband and I left for an out-of-state vacation for two weeks. I did not take a computer, and for the most part was unplugged from technology during the time we were away. Imagine my surprise when I returned home and read the continuing comment feed in response to the article. My intent with sharing the incident and aftermath, as requested by the Safe Church Ministry, was to engage dialogue, and inform others of the difficulty with holding perpetrators accountable. It seems that goal was accomplished.

I used the term sexual assault because that best fits the description of what happened to me. According to the United States Department of Justice, sexual assault is “any type of sexual conduct or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” In 2009, Emily Austin founded Violence Against Women, a global project. Ms. Austin describes sexual assault partly as “contact with genitalia, breast, buttocks, or other intimate body parts” (www.self.com/story/sexual-assault-definition). For those interested in a word/description search, i.e. abuse, assault, misconduct, or harassment, assault is the best description of what happened to me that day.

After reading the entire feed, I would like to thank each responder who read and responded empathically to the information as presented.

Jane, your responses on August 30 and other times were insightful, accurate, and challenging.

MJillH, for identifying that nowhere is it indicated that the perpetrator thought he was being humorous. I knew he was not being humorous. Also, your reference to your being abused was an invaluable part of the posts. However, I experienced Roger’s post of September 22, in regard to the abuse you suffered, as lacking empathy.

Angelyn, for removing an inappropriate post from the feed.

Bonny MB, for identifying and refuting victim shaming and that reporting was inaccurately labeled as gossiping.

Bart, for reminding everyone about the importance of the #MeToo movement.

Kelly, for your extensive input regarding confronting abuse on its many fronts, faces, and facets. Statistics are helpful, challenging, and yet disappointing. Education, accountability, and change are slow and tedious but so necessary. Your incidents of being abused when you were a young man no doubt left a negative impact. Although research shows that fewer males are abused than females, the shame and hurt are no less significant for them.

Bev, on September 15, you referenced porn and the high percentage of pastors who struggle against porn use. This is a very important issue which must be confronted. This topic would be in itself worth discussing. I have witnessed individuals, families, churches, and businesses destroyed by someone’s porn use. On his September 26 post Roger states, “I do recognize that in general the male psyche is different from that of a woman’s when it comes to sex. Hence the preponderance of interest in pornography by men in comparison to women.” His comment minimizes the dangers of porn use. A husband’s porn use is the ultimate insult to a wife feeling loved and safe in their relationship. The same damage to a relationship occurs if the wife uses porn.

Eric VD, for your attention to detail on September 14, details do matter.

Frank, your pondering how to counsel your children regarding the abuse subject was integral to the discussion. I much prefer a male with your kind spirit over against an educated male with issues of entitlement. Your reference to Article 11 of the church order was appropriately applied.

Safe Church Ministry: Bonnie and Eric, for your continuing support of the process of confronting abuse on all fronts in our churches. Also, for clarifying that the Office of Abuse Prevention began in 1994, a year before the reported incident of assault. Also, thank you for asking, and thus challenging me, to allow the incident to be printed and exposed to discussion and feedback.

Finally, Roger, there was no intent on my part to seek punishment or retribution against the male, married, perpetrator. I was only interested in his being held accountable for his inappropriate assaultive behavior. My husband was not at my side at the time of the incident but was well aware of what roadblocks would be incurred. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to pursue the situation. I told him, “No, I don’t want to, but it needs to be done.”  If I had sought punishment or retribution I would have requested that the elders’ recommendation be sent to me in writing. I would have also monitored whether the recommendation was carried out. In retrospect, why did the elders not inform me that the recommendations had changed?

Several years later I was informed by a reliable source, who knew the situation and outcome, that his credentials were never suspended. I wonder who and what silenced that person for so long. I still recall the sick feeling in my gut that day. At that time I still had all the written correspondence regarding the incident, I chose not to seek further information or reopen the case.  I had had enough and that is when I termed the elders “the old boys’ club.”

There is not another side to the incident, the perpetrator admitted it, tried to silence me, and refused to ask forgiveness. I did not incite the assault and I was not dressed provocatively. My belief is that his grand ego would not allow him to apologize to me, a woman. I knew him for fifteen years before the incident and he had decades after the incident to contact me if he had wanted to change or revisit the results of the situation.

In case you have any concern, I am not bitter or depressed and do not need therapy about this incident. I do, however, remember it as if it happened yesterday, that is the power of an assault.  I have not left the CRC. I served for years on a classis Safe Church Team and sat on an Advisory Panel. I know what I am talking about and also know many of the persons at the top of the CRC power chain.  I am very aware how some clergy with substantial power have protected other clergy from consequences of questionable behaviors and possible abuse toward others. 

I am a retired LCSW psychotherapist who enjoyed a very successful career. During that career I listened to accounts of abuse of a variety of types.  Many patients and family members’ lives were negatively affected by the abuse of someone else. I also listened to the angst and regret of abusers. The number of persons whose lives and relationships were destroyed due to alcohol and drug use in attempt to self-medicate anxiety, PTSD, depression, and/or suicidal tendencies resulting from any type of abuse is astounding.

Finally Roger, if you wrote your responses as an antagonist, you played your part well. If you really believe all you wrote about this incident and the results of it, my heart hurts for you.

I would like to end the post feed with the following: the letter S is in each of the words linked to deviant sexual behaviors: abuse, assault, misconduct, and harassment.  Let’s cut to the chase and use a very short word instead: SIN

As Bev so aptly stated in her last post, “This is our watch.” My hope and prayer is that the Christian Reformed Church will be a beacon of light in the darkness of that watch.

Yes, thank you for sharing your story so that more of us can learn and take the right steps in the future. 

Also, we wanted to note that in a situation like this Safe Church Ministry would advise putting the Advisory Panel Process into place so that the church council holding the credentials can make an informed decision to carry out discipline.

This is the case, even if the assault happened outside of a church or if the person is "retired" - they still hold the positional authority that comes with being a retired Minister of the Word - and a church still carries their credentials and upholds that they have been faithfully adhering in doctrine and life to the Word of God as interpreted by our Forms of Unity and the Church Order.

We received a comment from a pastor recently and thought that perhaps others have the same question. Our recent annual mailing for Abuse Awareness Sunday requested that an offering be taken for this fund. Here is the pastor's question in response to our mailing:

It is my understanding that the denomination has agreed to fund the position for the first year and is asking that the classis fund the position after that. So, what is this offering for if it is all covered?

Here is our response:

Safe Church has indeed agreed to assist a classis by offering grant funds to pay for an annual stipend for the first year for a Safe Church Classis Coordinator. However, since we don't have money in our budget to do this, we have created a designated fund specifically for this purpose. We have confidence that our Lord will provide funds to meet these requests, especially given the renewed interest in safe church ministry in our current #MeToo context. We believe that ministry happens best at the local level, and that working with classis coordinators, as they develop safe church teams, is the best way to equip churches in abuse awareness, prevention and response. So, rather than requesting more staff in Grand Rapids to deal with increased Safe Church demands, we are encouraging more local ministry at the classis and congregational level. We hope this will be one step in furthering the ministry where it's needed most.

Hope this clarifies the issue for others that may have had the same question.